Every court date seems to hold more weight than the last.
Last week was one of the most solemn court dates so far. Bitter Sweet doesn't begin to describe it.
I walked into the court house with baby boy in arm and headed toward our courtroom, I was trying to be prepared for anything. What if mom didn't come, changed her mind or was under the influence? I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know if I was more nervous for me or for mom. When I reached the courtroom doors I found the caseworker and mom sitting outside waiting for our scheduled time slot. Mom seemed to be in fairly good spirits and seeing baby boy certainly lifted them. I sat on a bench by the caseworker and mom sat on another holding and snapping pictures of baby boy. It had been three weeks since she had last seen him and he has recently been starting to become more aware of stranger danger. I definitely had a prayer in my heart that he would remember her. Luckily, he must have because he cuddled into her, cooed at her voice and gave her lots of big cute smiles. (I REALLY wish I could show you a picture of him! He's DARLING so you'd better understand how sweet their exchange really was.) It was interesting to me to watch her with him. She cuddled him in the same positions I love to cuddle him (and he likes things other babies don't usually so it was very unique), she said some of the same things to him that I always say. He looked at her like he looks at me, she kissed him and he kissed back, like he and I do everyday. In those moments I realized how the same mom and I really are. (In fact, the first day I met her, and often when we would be seen together by people who did not know our situation, we would be asked if we were sisters.) I realized how we are both baby boy's mothers and how we both love him with all of our hearts, how we both want the best for him. Before that day, I had chosen to focus on our differences. How she was raised v. how I was, or how I tried to sacrifice to make sure baby boy's needs were always met v. how it appeared to me that she didn't seem to care. But in this moment, I saw someone who had courage beyond my own. A woman who was willing to give up what she wanted for what would ultimately be best for her baby, even though it pained her and would continue to pain her the rest of her life. My happiest days, his birthday, Christmas, Easter, etc. will forever be days that are hard for her, where a piece of her is missing. Any woman who can know that, and still willingly have the strength to see the bigger picture for her child is one who should be honored and celebrated, regardless of the past that got her there. I thought I was teaching birth mom this whole time, that I was being an example of what a mom is....birth mom taught me far more than I could ever have shown her. I hope that I can always remember her courage and example of what it truly means to give of yourself to help your children be successful. I also now realized the weight of the promise Tanner and I have made to her to care for her son for the rest of our lives. She has trusted us with him, and we have a heavy duty to uphold.
Court was running an hour late that day so it was nice that mom and baby had a lot of time together and I had a lot of idol chit chat with the caseworker.
(Fun fact, on the day of the winter storm, court was running early, on the day the weather and traffic was perfect we were an hour behind!)
Like last time, before court began, Mom took a moment to visit with her attorney and then we entered the courtroom. Once introductions were made, her attorney expressed that it was still mom's desire to relinquish her rights that day. She was read a list of questions each to ensure she understood the gravity of her choice and to make a record in the court that it was her decision. With every question she was asked and answered, she was closer and closer to the end of her time as baby boy's mom and I was getting closer to becoming his mom forever. The solemnness of that situation was not lost on me or anyone else in the room. There really is nothing like hearing a mother say more than once that she agreed to giving up her rights and responsibility as a parent to a child who she truly loved. When the questions were complete, she was handed the form and with one signature, relinquished her rights as baby boy's parent. For the first time, I saw an emotion from mom other than anger. Her shoulders shrugged as she sobbed, I could almost see and feel her heart breaking and only begin to imagine the pain she must be feeling... and I missed most of what the judge said after that.
When court was dismissed, mom stood and hurried out the door, down the hallway and out of the courthouse. As I spoke with the caseworker afterwards, she explained that was likely the last time I or baby boy would ever see mom. She did not request a final visit, the judge did not order one, she did not request our contact information or any future updates or contact on baby boy's behalf. I was shocked. I have spoken to other adoptive foster parents who all had final visits with their kiddos and birth moms and I had come to believe it was a mandatory occurrence. I realized very quickly, that could not be the last correspondence I had with mom. Luckily, as we went toward the courthouse doors, she was there waiting for her ride. The caseworker called to her and she came back into the lobby, her face still red and splotchy. I asked if she felt up to taking a picture with baby boy for his baby book, something he could remember her by. (Some of you may know my dad also adopted me, I do not have any pictures of my 'birth dad' eww those words are hard to use, and it is something I have wished I had at different times in my life. I knew that might be important to baby boy someday too.) She wiped her tears and said 'I know that is what would be best for him and because of that, I'll take a picture.' She cuddled baby boy close for the last time, giving him a big kiss on his dark curly afro hair (seriously he's the cutest ever). I hugged her as she handed him back to me making a baby boy sandwich, she thanked me and I thanked her. Then I told her that from the moment I met her, I knew that she was a mother who loved her children. I knew she was an amazing woman who had a lot to offer and I was lucky to know her, baby boy was lucky to have had her. I promised to love her son has my own forever and take care of him with all I have. Tears filled my eyes, the caseworker's eyes and continued to escape hers as she released her son into my arms.... for the last time.
We turned, heading opposite directions, one mother's arms empty and heart broken the other's arms full and heart humbled.
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