Preschool Graduation

I cannot figure out where all the time has gone! It feels like a couple weeks ago I was dropping Tate off at his first day of preschool! He was so cute and nervous but he did great! He went to school at Stansbury High School where the students get the opportunity to teach the little kids while earning early development training hours... They're called the Little Stallions and Tate has LOVED going to the same school as his uncle Hunter and aunt Rylee.

He has learned and grown SO much since his first day of school. Tate is a little behind other kids his age, he has a speech delay for which he's been attending therapy since he was 15 months old. He is making amazing strides with his speech but it is still a daily challenge for him to be able to speak his mind clearly in a way others can understand. (he speaks fluent Tatem-ese though! And luckily so does his sister Emerson) I was so worried about sending him to school because of this delay. I didn't want him to get made fun of, get overly frustrated and act out, be mean to other students or fail to listen to and follow directions the way other students could. I am happy to say that I have under estimated him. His teachers said he is very respectful and tries to follow all of the directions given.... For a four year old... In fact, at graduation today he saw us all sitting there and he waved and said hi to us like the other kiddos but he did not cry, run to us, or panic like he would've in the past. He instead sat there and participated and did all that was expected of him. It was an incredible thing for me to see.

I remember when he was about 15 months old, I knew that he was different. Having the educational background I do, I knew that he was no longer progressing the way most children his age do. He didn't speak, he had panic attacks in groups, he was often sad and frustrated and he exhibited a lot of signs of anxiety and had obsessive qualities as a response to that anxiety. It was so hard to watch him as a mom and I felt like there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him. I just kept wondering what I did wrong as a mom; I didn't read to him enough, I didn't work on talking with him enough and I had failed him. I just kept thinking that there were so many moms out there that would and do do a better job than I was able to do and I felt so much guilt. I tried all I could, I followed the speech therapist's advice to the letter and we still had countless sleepless nights and many tears shed. It was my first experience as a parent of wanting so badly to take a trial away from my child but not being able to no matter how hard I tired.

We had so many experiences when people would stare at me and whisper and roll their eyes when I couldn't calm or comfort him. I could see the confusion and fear in his eyes at times, as his mom, I knew he just didn't know how to handle the situation he was in and would cry and act out in the process. I knew he just needed help but I didn't know what to do, I felt completely at a loss. I stopped taking him places, tried to avoid large gatherings and family things and always kept him within arm's length hoping I could stop situations before they arose but the awkward and trying times still came up. In fact, there were so many times I was short or rude to people because I was so overwhelmed and always on the defensive that even when things should've been easy I was already upset or grumpy about something else. I feel so bad about how I talked to and treated people sometimes and I'm trying so hard to correct that now. I let my anxiety of the situation run my life. I saw so many other kids his same age and I just wished I could somehow be enough like their parents so that Tate could develop and grow like those kids. I felt like he was sent to this world as a perfect little person and somehow I had failed him and caused him to go through so many hard things and he was only a baby. I didn't know where I had gone wrong, but I felt like there must have been something. I just cried and pleaded with my Heavenly Father every night I just wanted Tate to be able to speak clearly and navigate the world as other children could.

Finally I was able to receive some clarity, I don't know if it was a specific event or a series of experiences but one day I realized I was parenting him out of fear, guilt and how other people were viewing our situation. It became clear to me that as I perpetuated those feelings of anxiety and guilt I would only be able to act and think out of worry and guilt and those feelings would continue to grow in Tatem as well. I had to parent Tate for who he was and be able to see his own progress, his own growth and celebrate his own victories, no matter how small they may seem to others. The first time he was able to sit and put a six piece puzzle together at speech therapy before throwing a tantrum was a day I will never forget.

I feel incredibly thankful that I get to be Tate's mom. He still does things at his own pace, he still struggles with his speech and he still needs extra help for things other children can do easily, but my perspective has changed. I know that he'll keep working and growing and he will continue to progress, at his own pace. I've learned so much from Tate, but the top three are:

1) Never give up. He works SO hard just to talk. He knows he sounds different and he knows that people don't always understand him but he doesn't let it get him down; he keeps working. Last week at speech therapy his therapist asked him if he'd like to take a break from work to play with toys while she updated his file. He said 'no I do my words with Helene.' He wants to get better and he isn't giving up.

2) Be careful to avoid passing judgment. When I see parents with their children who are just trying and getting incredibly overwhelmed by their child's behavior, I try only to relate and smile instead of passing judgment. I know what it feels like to have people say 'what's wrong with him?' Or 'is he just dumb?' Or 'no kid of mine would be like that.' For the most part, every parent is trying their best (and I've seen some of the foster care world up close and I still believe that). I can either choose to be loving and helpful towards those parents or I can contribute to the burden they are already bogged down with. We both feel better with less judgment.

3) There's a plan and path for everyone, even our smalls. (I call my kids my smalls, not sure where it started) I did and do everything I can think to do and everything I feel lead to do through careful prayer and consideration and conversion with my husband for each of my kids. Regardless of that, every one of them is going to face hardships in their lives because that is part of our journey on this earth. Everything my children walk through, I will do my best to be beside them and help them but I know it is for their good. I know that even when I'm not there, Heavenly Father is and He will carry them through, He'll carry me as well. I feel blessed to know that my son is learning hard work and perseverance as a small boy, I know that this trial is preparing him for his future and the skills he's learning now will help shape his character.

Tatem brings a love and light to our family that I cannot put into words and I'm so thankful to see his progress and to have been present at his cute little graduation today! What a champ.

My experiences with Tate have helped to prepare me for the opportunity I have to finally be baby boy's mom. His adoption will be finalized in about a week and a half and he will legally be our son. I think back to the person I was four and a half years ago when Tate was born. If baby boy, with all of his challenges with down syndrome had come into my life at that time, I would've been overwhelmed and scared of every possibility. I don't think I would've been able to handle thinking about his future and worrying about his life and what was in store for him. I wouldn't have had the confidence to know that with my husband and family by my side, we'd be able to get him through all of the medical and developmental challenges. Watching Tate grow line upon line and learning to work with him and celebrate him has prepared me for the stares, comments and the undoubtedly seemingly insurmountable challenges that will come baby boy's way. Most importantly, I've leaned to take it day by day, I'm not picking what school vocational  he'll go to after high school right now, but instead trying to keep his contacts in and keep him from spitting up on everything!

I don't have all the answers and I know that baby boy will still teach me more and more everyday... Well all four of my smalls will... Emerson is literally walking into my room with armfuls of unrolled toilet paper RIGHT NOW.... But what I do know is we have been given challenges in our lives that have prepared us for the road ahead and we will be able to learn what we need to to progress.

Oh yeah, and there is a lot of joy and fun in the journey too.... "Sorry mom, I just needed a tissue really quick." (Apparently she needed a whole roll of tissue!)

Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

When I last posted, I thought that surely the bad and busy was almost behind us, boy was I wrong.

One week ago today, baby boy had surgery. This time, to correct his other cataracts and to correct his trachea. It was intended that this would allow him to breath and eat more easily. However, surgery lead to it's own complications:

During his surgery his blood pressure and heart rate dropped significantly. That's very uncommon so they ran multiple tests and determined it was most likely an adverse reaction to anesthesia that should be noted if ever he goes into surgery again. As a result, he spent Thursday night in the PICU and was on the ventilator until that night. 

While I was with him in the PICU Tanner got a phone call from his sergeant stating that he was to report to drill the next morning 10/31-11/9!!!!! It totally came out of nowhere!! I am SO SICK OF THE ARMY!!

Thursday night and Friday morning he appeared to be doing well, but he failed a swallow study that morning which has lead them to believe he's been aspirating his milk which has caused him to develop symptoms similar to pneumonia. So, they moved him to general admittance to get a barium swallow study to see if that was the case. However, when he got to general, his health took an immediate turn for the worse. He could not breath and at one point turned blue. The nurses and four doctors worked on him for 2 1/2 hours straight to get him stable. For this reason, his swallow study was cancelled. 

Friday night and Saturday he was doing much better but he had not been allowed to eat in about 27 hours. So, on Saturday they inserted a feeding tube to get him nourishment.

Finally, on Monday he was well enough to take the swallow study, and as expected it showed that he was indeed sending milk to the lungs too. They felt that thickening his milk would remedy the issue but later that afternoon when given a bottle he struggled to breathe and was kept on the feeding tube and for yet another night in the hospital.

SO, what was supposed to be an overnight stay at the hospital turned into a five night ordeal that resulted in a baby being sent home, in my opinion, in worse condition than he came. He is now on a full time feeding tube and I feel like I am a full time nurse as a result.

Meanwhile, I've REALLY missed being a mom to my kids and having the championship of my husband. And did my best to fit in some Halloween festivities (my kids were SO cute and loved it, but we missed baby boy) they were Mickey and Minnie Mouse and kept saying "I want more trick or treat mom!" After every house.  (Oh did I mention this whole time a crew has been in and out of my house completing my basement, drama with that too. .. and the week before my grandparents were here and grandpa took a HONORIFIC fall that scared us super good and resulted in a two night hospital stay and lots of prayer. Happy to report he's well now but it was a scary and heartbreaking experience)

OK where was I.... so now we're trying to find our new reality and take care of this poor baby. He cries almost constantly now, a HUGE change from his happy content self before,  and his medical needs are beyond full time. I'm getting incredibly overwhelmed! On the first day home, baby pulled his feeding tube out TWICE and I had to put it back in, through his nose and down to his tummy. (Yup it's as fun as it sounds)

Needless to say, this has been possibly some of the hardest two weeks of my life. I always try to act like I've got things handled, I can do hard stuff blah blah blah. . . I'm learning that's not always the best approach. If you act like you've got it covered, people treat you like you've got it covered. I SO don't. I keep praying that it'll normalize, but it's not looking good.

Going forward we have ENT appointments, speech/feeding therapy weekly, weekly mom visits,  ophthalmologist appointments,  pediatrician appointments,  and occupational therapy. That's in the next two weeks alone. We're starting to question our ability to provide long term care for this little fella but also know finding another option for him will be hard. And now on top of it, I'm getting calls about medical bills for him and they're not supposed to contact me for that at all, he's the state's responsibility. . . Hey thanks tax payers, I'll spare you the details of his expenses or you'll hate his mom a little. . .

Feeling tired, stuck, exhausted, torn,  exhausted,  exhausted, tired.

So, I'm trying to find the tender mercies to keep a level of sanity. . .
1.The day baby boy took his feeding evaluation, Tate also had speech therapy. Turns out, his speech therapist is a feeding specialist that primary children's refers many of their patients to. I was able to get him set up with her and discuss his needs in person during Tate's appointment. HUGE blessing and weight off.

2. Primary Children's Hospital is an AMAZING facility. They have so much to offer the children and families there. I've never felt so much love and help from such total strangers. They cared about Tate and Emerson too and provided incredible care for baby boy. I've gained incredible appreciation and care for parents of chronically ill children. They are amazing people who need incredible love and support.

3. Tanner's sergeant let him come home one night from 9pm-9am. So helpful.

4. My parents, in-laws and siblings have been nothing short of heros.

5. Baby is stable and home.

Right now, I'm just trying to survive. I feel like I've dropped a lot of balls, failed a lot of people and haven't sent enough thank you cards, played with my kids enough, cleaned my house enough, folded my laundry. .. at all, bathed any of us enough, laughed enough, prayed enough. ..etc. I'm trying to remember this type of guilt only comes from satan, not Heavenly Father and to "just keep swimming" even if it's only the most pathetic half hearted doggy paddle/back float ever. Someday, hopefully soon, I'll be able to do more than keep my head barely above the surface.

Thank goodness for Ramon Noodles and sandwiches.

Mommy! I NEED Chocolate!

I've realized that I've written so much about our latest additions that I've failed to talk about my other kids for awhile....

Tate is getting so big and doing really well. He started speech therapy two years ago with a local therapist and after NO results, we called in the big guns and started driving into town twice a month to meet with a PHENOMENAL speech pathologist! He has been there over a year and his progress has been incredible. He's still tough to understand for a lot of people that don't know him but he is putting longer and longer sentences together and can speak well enough to play with other kids. When he started with his second therapist he could say only five words! It's been a long tough road to watch him work so hard for what so many kids can learn easily, but seeing that someday he'll get there has been worth it. I had so many sleepless nights praying for his success, he would cry and throw tantrums when other people couldn't understand him and there was a lot of times that were very tough. But, he's also lots of fun! He just got his first bike and he really enjoys the half hour it takes to go around the block! He LOVES his two new siblings and plays the best with Essa. They're partners in crime and enjoy building blocks and acting silly. He's still only three so the whining and tantrums could use some refining, but it's night and day from before! It's nice to see how far he's come! It creates so much excitement for the future!

Emerson is almost TWO! I don't know where all the time has gone! She is so fun and I'm really enjoying being her momma right now! She's the first child I've had in my home that has learned how to talk on her own! She is such a chatter box! She comes up with new cute things to say everyday. She is petite and gentle and a wonderful mom to her baby dollies. She feeds them and gives them naps, watch out when they're asleep because she'll yell at you and tell you to SHHH if you even think about talking!  She's a daddy's girl when it works for her (he spoils her) and a momma's girl when that's more convenient.... basically what I'm saying is, she's SMART! Which also can be naughty! The other day Tanner and I were in our room and she was in the hall,  She started yelling mom! Momma! Mommy! Tanner Said,  looks like it's your turn! (She has to say your name three or four times even if you answer right away, it's her thing!) I kept saying what?! Then she said: I need daddy! It was wonderful to not be needed for once! But, she had already learned that "need" is the word to use instead of want... When I went in her room to get her up from her nap I walked in and she said,  "Mommy,  I NEED chocolate." I don't have a single clue where she picks these things up! Overall, she enjoys being the baby of the family and having everyone pamper to her every whim, I think I have a mini teenager on my hands but I wouldn't change it for the world!

So,  the younger half of my smalls are doing well! They are growing and learning like tiny sponges and picking up all the older kids will show them,  thank goodness they don't teach naughty stuff... mostly!

About Us...Now...

So I realize our blog is a little outdated, so we decided to update a little bit....

This is the bio that we used for our online profile for adoption

 

We are a young energetic family living in a very small town in Utah with a lot of love to share and a great desire to open our home to children through adoption. So far, our family consists of four people: Dad, Tanner, Mom Taylor (that’s me!) and our children; our son Tatem who is 3 and our daughter Emerson who is about 18 months  (give or take a month!)

Tanner and I met when he was 14 and I was 11. Our families were fast friends and even opened a business together and Tanner and I became best friends. We didn’t date until we had known each other for over 5 years, and then 2 years later we were married. Soon after, Tanner left for training with the National Guard and I worked on completing my BA in Family Studies (a degree very similar to Human Development) at Utah State University.

Tanner returned home to get a job with DIRECTV Home Services where he is now working as a supervisor. He loves his job and is great at it! But, he loves coming home to his family even more; there are few men who are as hands on of a dad as he is. For fun, he likes to camp, hike, go to movies and hang out with all of us. Tanner has 3 younger sisters who he helped raise and has worked with children by being a teacher at church and an 11 year old scout leader.

I (Taylor) am a stay at home mom to our children and plan to remain here with the kiddos! I love being with the kids, and completed my degree in August 2012 which has been priceless at times. Being home all day allows me to keep a very structured environment and therefore a lot of consistency. For fun, I like to redo old furniture and decorate on a budget. I have a good background with children through my education, but have also served with children at church for over 6 years.

Together, the four of us love to go on adventures, to the park, the zoo and aquarium, camping, swimming, and visiting Grandma’s! (Both Tanner’s parents as well as my own live within 10 minutes of our home; they are a HUGE support system! We also have cousins, aunts and uncles who live in our town!)

We feel like our family is ready to grow through adoption. We would love to provide a safe, loving, structured environment for a sibling group. We know that family is so important and we hope to be able to keep kids with as many family members as possible and also help them bond with our current children.

So many people ask us why we are trying to adopt, and the answer to that question is what keeps us going through the long waiting and decision process: At infancy, my mother was told that it was likely that I would not be able to have children of my own, most of my life I looked forward to the idea of adoption, I was raised by my birth mother and my adoptive father (both of whom were amazing) and my adoptive father was also adopted so it is near and dear to my heart!   But of course I also prayed to be able to have my own children. You can imagine me and Tanner’s delight when we discovered we were pregnant with Tatem, about 6 months after our wedding. Tatem was born happy and healthy and we were thrilled! Tatem is your typical little boy, he loves playing with friends, trucks, trains, cars and making messes! When he was about 2 we realized very quickly that he had a speech delay. He has been in Speech Therapy for about a year now and is making remarkable progress. In other aspects of his life, he is progressing pretty much on track for his age.

Tatem has taught us what the love of being a parent really is. He has taught us what it means to fight for your kids and their needs, and most of all, he has taught us how amazing life can be when things don’t exactly go as you had planned. Although the unexpected can be hard, it is also where the greatest blessings can lie. There is nothing more wonderful and rewarding than helping a child overcome the things that are hard for them and seeing the smile on their face when the light comes on. We have seen how not every child's journey is easy, but we know that every hurdle is worth it. We intend on putting the same heart, soul and fight into every child that comes into our family.

23 months to the day after Tatem was born, Emerson was born. She is such a tender, sweet little girl! She loves to hug and cuddle just about anyone who will cuddle her back and has brought so much fun into our home! Her big brother Tatem adores her and she him. She is right on track with her speech and development and it has been a delight to see how her presence has helped her brother continue to progress.

We have come to the decision together as a couple that our family is ready to continue to grow through adoption. We were recently considering having a third child; we wanted our children to be close in age. We are people who have a strong belief that we can be lead to make decisions through prayer and careful consideration. As we prayed about the decision to carry and birth another child we both felt strongly that adoption was the course of action we needed to take. In fact, Tanner was praying about it and I was praying about but we didn’t know that the other had taken the thought to heart. I had felt that adoption was our answer, but didn’t know how to approach Tanner about it. Little did I know, he had come to the same conclusion; he came to me and said, ‘don’t think I’m crazy, but I think we need to consider foster care adoption.’ I was shocked because I too had felt the same. Days later, we began the process of becoming approved in Utah, and it has been one of our best decisions.

We truly believe that there are children who are supposed to come into our family in a different way than Tatem and Emerson did, through adoption. So far, this has proven to be a long process but we know that our future children are waiting to come home and we will sacrifice and do what it takes to get them here and provide them with all of the support and help they need once they arrive.

If you'd like to Contact Us with questions, support on your journey or to have us come speak to a group feel free to email us:

tayshay91@hotmail.com