Our Road to (FINALLY!!!!) Adopting Baby Zane

I'm not sure where the story about our road to adoption really starts, it was built line upon line...it could be when I learned I was adopted by my amazing dad or it could go even further back to when he was adopted at three months old from Foster Care by his family...either way, adoption has been something that has been near and dear to my heart and part of my life since day one. When Tanner and I got married, I explained to him that I hoped to be able to adopt someday and he shared the desire. We decided that, assuming we would be able to, we would have our children and then look into the possibility of expanding our family through adoption. (Especially because we knew how expensive it can be and knowing it'd most likely take awhile until we were able to save up enough to participate in a traditional adoption.)

 

About six months after we got married, we learned that we were expecting our first son, Tatem. Being babies ourselves, we were nervously and anxiously awaiting his arrival into the world. Once he got here, we found ourselves in a whirlwind of parenting 101, never sure if we really were going to be able to handle this parenting thing. I remember wondering how anyone had more than one child to worry about! It was exhausting! Tate was a darling baby, he was also a handful and rarely content. He was like baptism by fire into the craziness that is parenting!

 

As we continued to navigate life as Tate's parents, we learned that he had his own learning challenges that he faced and we would have to face with him. He had a fairly significant speech delay and as we worked with him through those delays, we began to really experience what it was to fight for our children and to learn new ways of learning and growing along with him. (see Speech Therapy posts) When Tatem was 23 months old...to the day...Emerson was born. She was such a sweet little precious addition to our family. I learned really quickly that there really is a BIG difference between little boys and little girls from day one....especially the hold those little girls have on their daddies! I wish I would've realized that more when I was growing up, since I only have brothers it would've come in handy! But her tender nature was something our house was missing and she slid into that princess role with ease no doubt about it!

 

It was our desire to have our kids close together, about two years to be precise. (Me planning something?! Crazy I know!) So when Emerson was almost a year old, the thought of expanding our family was beginning to enter our minds but we were both afraid to bring it up to each other! We were pretending that time wasn't rolling around. However, I had decided to make it a matter of prayer; if I was able to pray about it and feel like it was right, then I would bring it up to Tanner. Knowing how important children are, I well assumed that I would be assured that having another baby was the best answer. (I started trying to wrap my mind around being pregnant again. I like the prize at the end but pregnancy has not proven to be the best 27 months of my life by any means!) As I pondered and prayed about having another baby, to my surprise, I experienced a lot of unrest about the idea. I kept feeling like it wasn't the right answer. So what was the right answer? I looked around me and began to see the signs. Foster care and adoption were all around me at that time. I couldn't believe this was possibly the time and season of our lives that we were supposed to explore this decision, but the more I thought and prayed about it, the more right it seemed. Then, I had to figure out a way to bring it up to Tanner. I was sure he would think I was nuts! After he returned home from a military drill weekend I decided to approach the topic. To my surprise, he had been praying about expanding our family too and had been lead to the same decision. In fact, that very weekend he had spoken at length with a fellow soldier who was a foster parent and Tanner felt like it was what we needed to do. A few days later, we were meeting with a foster care recruiter and taking classes a few weeks after that. We started the process in August, were fully licensed in December and received our first phone call concerning our first placement in February.

 

We felt so strongly that this nine year old boy and four year old girl were two kids we needed to accept into our home. At first, we believed that meant they were supposed to be our children forever through adoption. However, we quickly learned that their stay was meant to be short term, not only for our good and the good of our kids but also for them. Six months after they moved in, they were packing up to move in with their aunt, cousins, uncle and grandmother. (They are happy, healthy and thriving now and we couldn't be happier for them!) When they left, we took some time to recuperate and again had to revisit the idea of expanding our family. We decided that it was time to try to have a baby of our own while continuing to  be willing to accept foster care placements. Since we were willing to take older sibling groups we assumed that we would never be chosen as a placement for a baby and should consider having our own. In the past, we were able to get pregnant the first time we tried (kind of nuts I know!) But since that was our track record, it was what we thought would likely happen this time as well. One month turned into two, two into three and three into four. On the fourth month I took a test and it was again negative. We weren't too discouraged yet but we were starting to realized we weren't as in charge of things as we liked to think we were! The day after that fourth test, we got a phone call about a baby boy in the NICU in need of a foster family, because of his mother's background the state felt he would most likely need adopted. They told us he had not been named yet so we began calling him Zane, and he had double cataracts in his eyes and might come home on oxygen. Still, we felt up to the challenge and went to visit him in the NICU the minute we were given the OK. (Which was a week after the initial phone call, it was torture to wait so long to meet him!)

 

The day we finally met him, we walked into the NICU and found his tiny little frame all wrapped up and cuddled into his bed. He was a tiny five pounds but looked like a giant next to the micro-preemies he shared the room with. We cuddled him and spoiled him from that moment on and to our surprise, learned he would be released without oxygen the following day! The next afternoon, I prepared to pick him up. As I walked into the room, I was greeted by a different nurse than the one who I had met the day before. She said to me very matter of fact, as though it was a business transaction, 'I think he has down syndrome, we have been trying to determine it since he was born so I sent in the chromosome test today. You'll be getting a phone call in the next few days letting you know the results.' That was how I found out my baby might have down syndrome. The minutes she said it, I knew in my heart that the test would be positive and I realized that baby Zane would change my life in more ways than I had expected. A few weeks prior, we had considered calling or caseworker to let her know we would take children with down syndrome but hasn't yet gotten around to it. Had they tested baby Zane a week earlier and found the test to be positive we would not have been given then opportunity to take him because our file had not yet been changed. Another one of the miracles that lead to us finding each other. We brought him home and introduced him to the other kids, they LOVED him instantly and became very protective and caring toward him. To our shock, a couple days later we learned that we were also expecting our own baby, baby Drake!

 

The next few months proved be to be very difficult. Baby Zane had a minimum of two doctor's appointments in Salt Lake every week along with weekly visits with his birth mom, meetings with  the Division of Family Services (DCFS), two surgeries resulting in a stay in the PICU, and a week long hospital stay after which he was sent home on an NG feeding tube. I was not feeling well being in the first few weeks of pregnancy and it was starting to become all to overwhelming. I remember rocking him with his tube attached to the machine and just crying and crying. Not sure I would be able to endure and remain his mom. I started to feel like I needed to tell my caseworker that he needed to be moved to another family. So many people said to me 'he just needs to be with a cute young couple that can just focus on taking care of him.' and I agreed. I was feeling overwhelmed and I felt like it was never going to improve. We began to pray about the decision and I kept getting the answer to wait. Wait until the end of November. At the end of November I revisited it, although I felt so much more attached and the idea of saying good bye to him was hard to think about, I still wanted to know what was best for him. The answer I got was so clear I couldn't really deny it: 'You have the opportunity to love and parent one of my most pure spirits.' and I realized that I could not turn my back on him. So we kept pressing forward on the journey, not sure if adoption would really ever come but being willing to do what he needed us to for the time being.

 

Finally the day came that learned that we could adopt him and we couldn't imagine life without him and jumped at the chance to become his forever family. Now, on May 19th Baby Zane is legally and officially our baby and we are  THRILLED to be able to announce him and share our new addition with all of you!

 

Looking back, there are so many things that had to fall perfectly into place for us to have the chance to have this wonderful child in our lives. From our first placement leaving only weeks before our call about Zane, to baby Drake taking a couple extra months to make his arrival; literally a day earlier on a positive pregnancy test we would not have taken baby Zane and had Zane been born a month earlier, we would not have Baby Drake. This and SO many other things in between lead us to where we are today and for that, we could not be more thankful. (Oh and by the way, he is almost 25 months to the day younger than Emerson, guess that two years apart thing panned out a little!)

 

Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was raised to know that Heavenly Father never gives us challenges in life that we cannot handle. What I don't think I realized until recently is how He guides us through those challenges. I truly believe now that He guides and prepares us by allowing us to experience different things that prepare us for the road ahead. Every experience can be looked at as a training experience that prepares us for our future, and He is there to comfort, guide and direct us through every step of the way. Never will He leave us to handle life on our own, although we might forget He is there. Ultimately, this life was designed to prepare us to be perfected in Him and live with Him and our families again. I've always known that, but in the process of building our family, I've been shown that in ways I could have never imagined. I'm thankful for this road I have traveled and knowing how blessed I've been, even through the hard times. I am thankful for the opportunity to face the paths ahead with a renewed knowledge of my Heavenly Father's love for me and His awareness of my needs and the needs of my family.

 

Today our family grew by one tiny member with a HUGE spirit. It is hard to be around him and not feel closer to our Heavenly Father. I feel so grateful and humbled that I was chosen to be his momma. I know that he has and will continue to teach me far more than I would ever imagine teaching him. He is a testament that Heavenly Father's plan for us far exceeds what we could ever plan for ourselves if we just allow Him to take the lead.

 

Welcome to the family baby Zane! We couldn't love you more!

 



Excited for Baby Drake

Going on 37 weeks along with baby number four and we're FINALLY feeling some baby fever! Baby boy is the same weeks old as I am along in my pregnancy so naturally we have been focusing on him and apart from those monthly, then bi- weekly and now weekly doctor's appointments I think we've kind of forgotten he'll actually come out some day... Soon! (I think I've remembered better than the rest of my people nothing like impending delivery and sleepless nights... Why do those start before baby is born?!....to keep it fresh on the mind!)

Just the other day in fact Tate noticed that my belly is huge! He's like 'whoa mom you're big! What happened?' What a sweetheart... So I told him baby Drake was growing in there and showed him that if he put his hands on my tummy the baby would give him a high five. Tate was fascinated and laid by me for almost an hour talking to baby Drake, giving him high fives and kisses and giving him knuckles! It was so precious and eventually Emerson joined in... They kept grabbing my tummy and saying come on baby Drake, come out I kiss you! They also kept saying over and over, 'mom! Two babies?! We have a baby! That's a lot of babies!' (That's what Tanner and I have been saying for about 35 weeks!) Baby boy I think is ready for baby Drake to come out so he can have some room on mommy's lap again, he lays, sits and cuddles into my belly to go to sleep then Drake kicks him right in the face! They're already prefect brothers!

So these next few weeks are super crazy! I've done absolutely no nesting so it's time to buckle down and get going! So far we've moved Tate into the basement bedroom and he LOVES it! He thinks he's very cool! He's such a good boy down there too ... And we have an alarm system so mom's not as worried either!  (DirecTV sells them now so we get a free system, heaven knows I'd never buy one!) Now I need to get the nursery ready with all the cribs! I have all the stuff, sorta, but I've yet to put it all together and clean and organize it. I know I have lots of boy newborn clothes, I am not sure where they are for example! Plus, there's lots of paperwork and doctor's appointments to get out of the way with this adoption.... Three days away.... So we're running around like chickens with our heads cut off but that's what life's about! We wouldn't have it any other way and we're looking forward to meeting and holding baby Drake Keith!

Preschool Graduation

I cannot figure out where all the time has gone! It feels like a couple weeks ago I was dropping Tate off at his first day of preschool! He was so cute and nervous but he did great! He went to school at Stansbury High School where the students get the opportunity to teach the little kids while earning early development training hours... They're called the Little Stallions and Tate has LOVED going to the same school as his uncle Hunter and aunt Rylee.

He has learned and grown SO much since his first day of school. Tate is a little behind other kids his age, he has a speech delay for which he's been attending therapy since he was 15 months old. He is making amazing strides with his speech but it is still a daily challenge for him to be able to speak his mind clearly in a way others can understand. (he speaks fluent Tatem-ese though! And luckily so does his sister Emerson) I was so worried about sending him to school because of this delay. I didn't want him to get made fun of, get overly frustrated and act out, be mean to other students or fail to listen to and follow directions the way other students could. I am happy to say that I have under estimated him. His teachers said he is very respectful and tries to follow all of the directions given.... For a four year old... In fact, at graduation today he saw us all sitting there and he waved and said hi to us like the other kiddos but he did not cry, run to us, or panic like he would've in the past. He instead sat there and participated and did all that was expected of him. It was an incredible thing for me to see.

I remember when he was about 15 months old, I knew that he was different. Having the educational background I do, I knew that he was no longer progressing the way most children his age do. He didn't speak, he had panic attacks in groups, he was often sad and frustrated and he exhibited a lot of signs of anxiety and had obsessive qualities as a response to that anxiety. It was so hard to watch him as a mom and I felt like there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him. I just kept wondering what I did wrong as a mom; I didn't read to him enough, I didn't work on talking with him enough and I had failed him. I just kept thinking that there were so many moms out there that would and do do a better job than I was able to do and I felt so much guilt. I tried all I could, I followed the speech therapist's advice to the letter and we still had countless sleepless nights and many tears shed. It was my first experience as a parent of wanting so badly to take a trial away from my child but not being able to no matter how hard I tired.

We had so many experiences when people would stare at me and whisper and roll their eyes when I couldn't calm or comfort him. I could see the confusion and fear in his eyes at times, as his mom, I knew he just didn't know how to handle the situation he was in and would cry and act out in the process. I knew he just needed help but I didn't know what to do, I felt completely at a loss. I stopped taking him places, tried to avoid large gatherings and family things and always kept him within arm's length hoping I could stop situations before they arose but the awkward and trying times still came up. In fact, there were so many times I was short or rude to people because I was so overwhelmed and always on the defensive that even when things should've been easy I was already upset or grumpy about something else. I feel so bad about how I talked to and treated people sometimes and I'm trying so hard to correct that now. I let my anxiety of the situation run my life. I saw so many other kids his same age and I just wished I could somehow be enough like their parents so that Tate could develop and grow like those kids. I felt like he was sent to this world as a perfect little person and somehow I had failed him and caused him to go through so many hard things and he was only a baby. I didn't know where I had gone wrong, but I felt like there must have been something. I just cried and pleaded with my Heavenly Father every night I just wanted Tate to be able to speak clearly and navigate the world as other children could.

Finally I was able to receive some clarity, I don't know if it was a specific event or a series of experiences but one day I realized I was parenting him out of fear, guilt and how other people were viewing our situation. It became clear to me that as I perpetuated those feelings of anxiety and guilt I would only be able to act and think out of worry and guilt and those feelings would continue to grow in Tatem as well. I had to parent Tate for who he was and be able to see his own progress, his own growth and celebrate his own victories, no matter how small they may seem to others. The first time he was able to sit and put a six piece puzzle together at speech therapy before throwing a tantrum was a day I will never forget.

I feel incredibly thankful that I get to be Tate's mom. He still does things at his own pace, he still struggles with his speech and he still needs extra help for things other children can do easily, but my perspective has changed. I know that he'll keep working and growing and he will continue to progress, at his own pace. I've learned so much from Tate, but the top three are:

1) Never give up. He works SO hard just to talk. He knows he sounds different and he knows that people don't always understand him but he doesn't let it get him down; he keeps working. Last week at speech therapy his therapist asked him if he'd like to take a break from work to play with toys while she updated his file. He said 'no I do my words with Helene.' He wants to get better and he isn't giving up.

2) Be careful to avoid passing judgment. When I see parents with their children who are just trying and getting incredibly overwhelmed by their child's behavior, I try only to relate and smile instead of passing judgment. I know what it feels like to have people say 'what's wrong with him?' Or 'is he just dumb?' Or 'no kid of mine would be like that.' For the most part, every parent is trying their best (and I've seen some of the foster care world up close and I still believe that). I can either choose to be loving and helpful towards those parents or I can contribute to the burden they are already bogged down with. We both feel better with less judgment.

3) There's a plan and path for everyone, even our smalls. (I call my kids my smalls, not sure where it started) I did and do everything I can think to do and everything I feel lead to do through careful prayer and consideration and conversion with my husband for each of my kids. Regardless of that, every one of them is going to face hardships in their lives because that is part of our journey on this earth. Everything my children walk through, I will do my best to be beside them and help them but I know it is for their good. I know that even when I'm not there, Heavenly Father is and He will carry them through, He'll carry me as well. I feel blessed to know that my son is learning hard work and perseverance as a small boy, I know that this trial is preparing him for his future and the skills he's learning now will help shape his character.

Tatem brings a love and light to our family that I cannot put into words and I'm so thankful to see his progress and to have been present at his cute little graduation today! What a champ.

My experiences with Tate have helped to prepare me for the opportunity I have to finally be baby boy's mom. His adoption will be finalized in about a week and a half and he will legally be our son. I think back to the person I was four and a half years ago when Tate was born. If baby boy, with all of his challenges with down syndrome had come into my life at that time, I would've been overwhelmed and scared of every possibility. I don't think I would've been able to handle thinking about his future and worrying about his life and what was in store for him. I wouldn't have had the confidence to know that with my husband and family by my side, we'd be able to get him through all of the medical and developmental challenges. Watching Tate grow line upon line and learning to work with him and celebrate him has prepared me for the stares, comments and the undoubtedly seemingly insurmountable challenges that will come baby boy's way. Most importantly, I've leaned to take it day by day, I'm not picking what school vocational  he'll go to after high school right now, but instead trying to keep his contacts in and keep him from spitting up on everything!

I don't have all the answers and I know that baby boy will still teach me more and more everyday... Well all four of my smalls will... Emerson is literally walking into my room with armfuls of unrolled toilet paper RIGHT NOW.... But what I do know is we have been given challenges in our lives that have prepared us for the road ahead and we will be able to learn what we need to to progress.

Oh yeah, and there is a lot of joy and fun in the journey too.... "Sorry mom, I just needed a tissue really quick." (Apparently she needed a whole roll of tissue!)