I'm not sure where the story about our road to adoption really starts, it was built line upon line...it could be when I learned I was adopted by my amazing dad or it could go even further back to when he was adopted at three months old from Foster Care by his family...either way, adoption has been something that has been near and dear to my heart and part of my life since day one. When Tanner and I got married, I explained to him that I hoped to be able to adopt someday and he shared the desire. We decided that, assuming we would be able to, we would have our children and then look into the possibility of expanding our family through adoption. (Especially because we knew how expensive it can be and knowing it'd most likely take awhile until we were able to save up enough to participate in a traditional adoption.)
About six months after we got married, we learned that we were expecting our first son, Tatem. Being babies ourselves, we were nervously and anxiously awaiting his arrival into the world. Once he got here, we found ourselves in a whirlwind of parenting 101, never sure if we really were going to be able to handle this parenting thing. I remember wondering how anyone had more than one child to worry about! It was exhausting! Tate was a darling baby, he was also a handful and rarely content. He was like baptism by fire into the craziness that is parenting!
As we continued to navigate life as Tate's parents, we learned that he had his own learning challenges that he faced and we would have to face with him. He had a fairly significant speech delay and as we worked with him through those delays, we began to really experience what it was to fight for our children and to learn new ways of learning and growing along with him. (see Speech Therapy posts) When Tatem was 23 months old...to the day...Emerson was born. She was such a sweet little precious addition to our family. I learned really quickly that there really is a BIG difference between little boys and little girls from day one....especially the hold those little girls have on their daddies! I wish I would've realized that more when I was growing up, since I only have brothers it would've come in handy! But her tender nature was something our house was missing and she slid into that princess role with ease no doubt about it!
It was our desire to have our kids close together, about two years to be precise. (Me planning something?! Crazy I know!) So when Emerson was almost a year old, the thought of expanding our family was beginning to enter our minds but we were both afraid to bring it up to each other! We were pretending that time wasn't rolling around. However, I had decided to make it a matter of prayer; if I was able to pray about it and feel like it was right, then I would bring it up to Tanner. Knowing how important children are, I well assumed that I would be assured that having another baby was the best answer. (I started trying to wrap my mind around being pregnant again. I like the prize at the end but pregnancy has not proven to be the best 27 months of my life by any means!) As I pondered and prayed about having another baby, to my surprise, I experienced a lot of unrest about the idea. I kept feeling like it wasn't the right answer. So what was the right answer? I looked around me and began to see the signs. Foster care and adoption were all around me at that time. I couldn't believe this was possibly the time and season of our lives that we were supposed to explore this decision, but the more I thought and prayed about it, the more right it seemed. Then, I had to figure out a way to bring it up to Tanner. I was sure he would think I was nuts! After he returned home from a military drill weekend I decided to approach the topic. To my surprise, he had been praying about expanding our family too and had been lead to the same decision. In fact, that very weekend he had spoken at length with a fellow soldier who was a foster parent and Tanner felt like it was what we needed to do. A few days later, we were meeting with a foster care recruiter and taking classes a few weeks after that. We started the process in August, were fully licensed in December and received our first phone call concerning our first placement in February.
We felt so strongly that this nine year old boy and four year old girl were two kids we needed to accept into our home. At first, we believed that meant they were supposed to be our children forever through adoption. However, we quickly learned that their stay was meant to be short term, not only for our good and the good of our kids but also for them. Six months after they moved in, they were packing up to move in with their aunt, cousins, uncle and grandmother. (They are happy, healthy and thriving now and we couldn't be happier for them!) When they left, we took some time to recuperate and again had to revisit the idea of expanding our family. We decided that it was time to try to have a baby of our own while continuing to be willing to accept foster care placements. Since we were willing to take older sibling groups we assumed that we would never be chosen as a placement for a baby and should consider having our own. In the past, we were able to get pregnant the first time we tried (kind of nuts I know!) But since that was our track record, it was what we thought would likely happen this time as well. One month turned into two, two into three and three into four. On the fourth month I took a test and it was again negative. We weren't too discouraged yet but we were starting to realized we weren't as in charge of things as we liked to think we were! The day after that fourth test, we got a phone call about a baby boy in the NICU in need of a foster family, because of his mother's background the state felt he would most likely need adopted. They told us he had not been named yet so we began calling him Zane, and he had double cataracts in his eyes and might come home on oxygen. Still, we felt up to the challenge and went to visit him in the NICU the minute we were given the OK. (Which was a week after the initial phone call, it was torture to wait so long to meet him!)
The day we finally met him, we walked into the NICU and found his tiny little frame all wrapped up and cuddled into his bed. He was a tiny five pounds but looked like a giant next to the micro-preemies he shared the room with. We cuddled him and spoiled him from that moment on and to our surprise, learned he would be released without oxygen the following day! The next afternoon, I prepared to pick him up. As I walked into the room, I was greeted by a different nurse than the one who I had met the day before. She said to me very matter of fact, as though it was a business transaction, 'I think he has down syndrome, we have been trying to determine it since he was born so I sent in the chromosome test today. You'll be getting a phone call in the next few days letting you know the results.' That was how I found out my baby might have down syndrome. The minutes she said it, I knew in my heart that the test would be positive and I realized that baby Zane would change my life in more ways than I had expected. A few weeks prior, we had considered calling or caseworker to let her know we would take children with down syndrome but hasn't yet gotten around to it. Had they tested baby Zane a week earlier and found the test to be positive we would not have been given then opportunity to take him because our file had not yet been changed. Another one of the miracles that lead to us finding each other. We brought him home and introduced him to the other kids, they LOVED him instantly and became very protective and caring toward him. To our shock, a couple days later we learned that we were also expecting our own baby, baby Drake!
The next few months proved be to be very difficult. Baby Zane had a minimum of two doctor's appointments in Salt Lake every week along with weekly visits with his birth mom, meetings with the Division of Family Services (DCFS), two surgeries resulting in a stay in the PICU, and a week long hospital stay after which he was sent home on an NG feeding tube. I was not feeling well being in the first few weeks of pregnancy and it was starting to become all to overwhelming. I remember rocking him with his tube attached to the machine and just crying and crying. Not sure I would be able to endure and remain his mom. I started to feel like I needed to tell my caseworker that he needed to be moved to another family. So many people said to me 'he just needs to be with a cute young couple that can just focus on taking care of him.' and I agreed. I was feeling overwhelmed and I felt like it was never going to improve. We began to pray about the decision and I kept getting the answer to wait. Wait until the end of November. At the end of November I revisited it, although I felt so much more attached and the idea of saying good bye to him was hard to think about, I still wanted to know what was best for him. The answer I got was so clear I couldn't really deny it: 'You have the opportunity to love and parent one of my most pure spirits.' and I realized that I could not turn my back on him. So we kept pressing forward on the journey, not sure if adoption would really ever come but being willing to do what he needed us to for the time being.
Finally the day came that learned that we could adopt him and we couldn't imagine life without him and jumped at the chance to become his forever family. Now, on May 19th Baby Zane is legally and officially our baby and we are THRILLED to be able to announce him and share our new addition with all of you!
Looking back, there are so many things that had to fall perfectly into place for us to have the chance to have this wonderful child in our lives. From our first placement leaving only weeks before our call about Zane, to baby Drake taking a couple extra months to make his arrival; literally a day earlier on a positive pregnancy test we would not have taken baby Zane and had Zane been born a month earlier, we would not have Baby Drake. This and SO many other things in between lead us to where we are today and for that, we could not be more thankful. (Oh and by the way, he is almost 25 months to the day younger than Emerson, guess that two years apart thing panned out a little!)
Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was raised to know that Heavenly Father never gives us challenges in life that we cannot handle. What I don't think I realized until recently is how He guides us through those challenges. I truly believe now that He guides and prepares us by allowing us to experience different things that prepare us for the road ahead. Every experience can be looked at as a training experience that prepares us for our future, and He is there to comfort, guide and direct us through every step of the way. Never will He leave us to handle life on our own, although we might forget He is there. Ultimately, this life was designed to prepare us to be perfected in Him and live with Him and our families again. I've always known that, but in the process of building our family, I've been shown that in ways I could have never imagined. I'm thankful for this road I have traveled and knowing how blessed I've been, even through the hard times. I am thankful for the opportunity to face the paths ahead with a renewed knowledge of my Heavenly Father's love for me and His awareness of my needs and the needs of my family.
Today our family grew by one tiny member with a HUGE spirit. It is hard to be around him and not feel closer to our Heavenly Father. I feel so grateful and humbled that I was chosen to be his momma. I know that he has and will continue to teach me far more than I would ever imagine teaching him. He is a testament that Heavenly Father's plan for us far exceeds what we could ever plan for ourselves if we just allow Him to take the lead.
Welcome to the family baby Zane! We couldn't love you more!
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