Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

When I last posted, I thought that surely the bad and busy was almost behind us, boy was I wrong.

One week ago today, baby boy had surgery. This time, to correct his other cataracts and to correct his trachea. It was intended that this would allow him to breath and eat more easily. However, surgery lead to it's own complications:

During his surgery his blood pressure and heart rate dropped significantly. That's very uncommon so they ran multiple tests and determined it was most likely an adverse reaction to anesthesia that should be noted if ever he goes into surgery again. As a result, he spent Thursday night in the PICU and was on the ventilator until that night. 

While I was with him in the PICU Tanner got a phone call from his sergeant stating that he was to report to drill the next morning 10/31-11/9!!!!! It totally came out of nowhere!! I am SO SICK OF THE ARMY!!

Thursday night and Friday morning he appeared to be doing well, but he failed a swallow study that morning which has lead them to believe he's been aspirating his milk which has caused him to develop symptoms similar to pneumonia. So, they moved him to general admittance to get a barium swallow study to see if that was the case. However, when he got to general, his health took an immediate turn for the worse. He could not breath and at one point turned blue. The nurses and four doctors worked on him for 2 1/2 hours straight to get him stable. For this reason, his swallow study was cancelled. 

Friday night and Saturday he was doing much better but he had not been allowed to eat in about 27 hours. So, on Saturday they inserted a feeding tube to get him nourishment.

Finally, on Monday he was well enough to take the swallow study, and as expected it showed that he was indeed sending milk to the lungs too. They felt that thickening his milk would remedy the issue but later that afternoon when given a bottle he struggled to breathe and was kept on the feeding tube and for yet another night in the hospital.

SO, what was supposed to be an overnight stay at the hospital turned into a five night ordeal that resulted in a baby being sent home, in my opinion, in worse condition than he came. He is now on a full time feeding tube and I feel like I am a full time nurse as a result.

Meanwhile, I've REALLY missed being a mom to my kids and having the championship of my husband. And did my best to fit in some Halloween festivities (my kids were SO cute and loved it, but we missed baby boy) they were Mickey and Minnie Mouse and kept saying "I want more trick or treat mom!" After every house.  (Oh did I mention this whole time a crew has been in and out of my house completing my basement, drama with that too. .. and the week before my grandparents were here and grandpa took a HONORIFIC fall that scared us super good and resulted in a two night hospital stay and lots of prayer. Happy to report he's well now but it was a scary and heartbreaking experience)

OK where was I.... so now we're trying to find our new reality and take care of this poor baby. He cries almost constantly now, a HUGE change from his happy content self before,  and his medical needs are beyond full time. I'm getting incredibly overwhelmed! On the first day home, baby pulled his feeding tube out TWICE and I had to put it back in, through his nose and down to his tummy. (Yup it's as fun as it sounds)

Needless to say, this has been possibly some of the hardest two weeks of my life. I always try to act like I've got things handled, I can do hard stuff blah blah blah. . . I'm learning that's not always the best approach. If you act like you've got it covered, people treat you like you've got it covered. I SO don't. I keep praying that it'll normalize, but it's not looking good.

Going forward we have ENT appointments, speech/feeding therapy weekly, weekly mom visits,  ophthalmologist appointments,  pediatrician appointments,  and occupational therapy. That's in the next two weeks alone. We're starting to question our ability to provide long term care for this little fella but also know finding another option for him will be hard. And now on top of it, I'm getting calls about medical bills for him and they're not supposed to contact me for that at all, he's the state's responsibility. . . Hey thanks tax payers, I'll spare you the details of his expenses or you'll hate his mom a little. . .

Feeling tired, stuck, exhausted, torn,  exhausted,  exhausted, tired.

So, I'm trying to find the tender mercies to keep a level of sanity. . .
1.The day baby boy took his feeding evaluation, Tate also had speech therapy. Turns out, his speech therapist is a feeding specialist that primary children's refers many of their patients to. I was able to get him set up with her and discuss his needs in person during Tate's appointment. HUGE blessing and weight off.

2. Primary Children's Hospital is an AMAZING facility. They have so much to offer the children and families there. I've never felt so much love and help from such total strangers. They cared about Tate and Emerson too and provided incredible care for baby boy. I've gained incredible appreciation and care for parents of chronically ill children. They are amazing people who need incredible love and support.

3. Tanner's sergeant let him come home one night from 9pm-9am. So helpful.

4. My parents, in-laws and siblings have been nothing short of heros.

5. Baby is stable and home.

Right now, I'm just trying to survive. I feel like I've dropped a lot of balls, failed a lot of people and haven't sent enough thank you cards, played with my kids enough, cleaned my house enough, folded my laundry. .. at all, bathed any of us enough, laughed enough, prayed enough. ..etc. I'm trying to remember this type of guilt only comes from satan, not Heavenly Father and to "just keep swimming" even if it's only the most pathetic half hearted doggy paddle/back float ever. Someday, hopefully soon, I'll be able to do more than keep my head barely above the surface.

Thank goodness for Ramon Noodles and sandwiches.

Doctors, Surgery and Visits!

Excuse me for being a bit delinquent, we've been just a little busy, let's see ifi can remember it all...

1.well child check with pediatrician
2. Eye appointment
3. Urine analysis
4. Eye ultrasound
5. Echo on his heart
6.  Trip to insta care
7. Eye surgery with questionable (at best) overnight accommodations
8. Another eye appointment
9. TWO visits with mom
10. TWO caseworker visits

Coming up:
1. Another pediatric appointment, now he has terrible breathing concerns
2. Surgery on the second eye
3.LOTS of unknowns
4. Glasses fitting
5. Another eye appointment to check the glasses

Keep in mind, he's a month old we've only had him two weeks and the shortest appointment from home to back home was 2 hours! Needless to say, we've skipped court twice in all that mess. .  .

So yes, baby boy is cute, amazing and the best little down syndrome baby on planet earth, let's be clear, but he's a bit sicky. He's so easy mannered and we'll behaved, they pick and probe him and he doesn't flinch! But he has a bit of a long road ahead between doctors and therapy and DCFS.

We love him and feel honored to have been chosen to take care of him but our hearts are aching for him. His birth mommy loves him too, but after spending four hours with her during surgery, she's struggling. She's working so hard to get him back, but after hearing her story I'm worried she might be facing a temporary fix to a long term problem. This is making me unbelievably worried for baby boy. I'm worried sick that she'll be able to do just enough to get him back and then be unable to meet his medical needs in the long term. And my BIGGEST fear is that she'll get him, fail to keep up with his needs and he'll be back in the system, a lot more work and far less likely to be adopted or taken in. (I'm not fostering much longer I don't think, it's really hard)

No mommy wants to believe her baby is sick, but this mommy is in denial. She doesn't think down syndrome will effect his long term life and thinks he'll be good as new after a couple surgeries.

I don't know what our rights are or if we have any. They have given me the job to protect him but give me limited access to decision making. Taking care of a child, especially this one, requires more than love, showing up to some visits and taking some classes. I pray everyday that things will workout and baby boy will be protected, whether it's by me or not. But I'm still scared.

Oh Baby Cute Ma!

It's official! Once again, we're foster parents!

Last Friday we got a call about a baby who was in the NICU and was in need of a foster family. At the time he was on oxygen and was born with cataracts in his eyes, this means he will need surgery in the very near future to avoid becoming blind.

Luckily, Tanner was home that morning working on his computer before going to work (something that is very rare around here). I told the worker I'd speak with my husband and call her back shortly. We were shocked that we were called to take a two week old baby! We are willing to accept siblings and older children (sometimes that's rare in foster care) so we thought we'd always be saved for older children. In fact, most people who only accept infants wait 7 months to a year to get a phone call for an infant. (We've been licensed a year exactly.) So we were, needless to say, surprised and excited and decided we'd take in baby boy!

Then came the agonizing wait until court and the approval to go see him in the hospital. Finally, on Wednesday We were approved to visit. I was so excited and anxious to hold and cuddle him! It was the longest 45 minute drive of my life! When we finally got there and we're lead back to his tiny crib in the bustling, noisy NICU,  I saw tiny little frame wrapped up tight as a bug in a rug with his dark brown hair sprouting out in every which way. We instantly went to pick him up and to our delight, he was oxygen free! We had been told he'd come home on oxygen until he could breath easily on his own so this was a pleasant surprise! (Never under estimate the power of prayer and fasting, he'd been our focus all weekend) The nurse told us he had been doing great without the oxygen since the previous night and if he continued to do well, he'd be released the following day.

We sat with him holding and loving on him for the better part of the day. Every nurse, doctor and aid that passed by was so excited to see him being loved and cared for! They wished us the best and told us he was the sweetest baby around. (They're right, we still haven't heard him cry!)

The next day, we went in and were able to check him out and bring him home! Tate and Emerson love him! They take turns holding and feeding him and keep saying "oh mom! Baby Cute!" He's a special little fella!

As far as the case goes, it looks likely that he'll be adoptable, but we've heard that before. . . We are of course hopeful he'll be here forever but we are choosing to focus on enjoying the day to day for now. He deserves our whole hearts and let me tell you, he has them!

PS he's like Tate's mini me only a little darker! ;) he's SO CUTE!!!

Happy 4th Birthday!

My baby boy is four!!!

I try not to think about it too much because it makes me want to cry a little! He's so big and I have no idea where all of the time has gone!

Tatem is getting better and better at talking, in fact, he pretty much says anything he wants to but has poor pronunciation so that's the next battle. He starts preschool at Stansbury High school next month, they offer a hands on learning program for the high school students and as a result, the preschoolers get one on one attention. He doesn't start kindergarten until 2016 so we're hopeful that two years of preschool will give him the social and academic skills he'll need to be successful in a mainstream kindergarten class. It's amazing to see him make such huge strides! There was a time, not long ago that I often felt heartbroken for him and wondered if he'd ever get to live a normal happy life. Things are now looking so hopeful and I truly enjoy every moment of being his mom! He's a very special part of our family... plus he's super handsome if I do say so myself!

He's also smart. . . A week or so ago I told him his birthday was coming up and asked him what he wanted. He said "rollers". A couple hours later, he asked to watch a movie on my phone so I put the lock code in and let him. A little later I got an email from Amazon "thank you for your order". And what was my order? Angry Bird roller skates. My little stinker had found them online and ordered them all by himself! Everyday after that he'd check out the window waiting for them to get here! I didn't cancel the order because I figured it's what he wants and it was only $14 (I don't know what makes me more proud, he's ability to order on his own or his bargain shopping!)

He's a sweet heart through and through and I feel so blessed to be his mom. I'm so grateful that four years ago Heavenly Father saw it fit to trust me with such a sweet, tender spirit. I'm thankful for everyday with him!

P.S. we have HUGE/tiny news, check back within the week so to find out what it is!

Also aunt kinzi's wedding was the day before so he got leftover wedding cake for his party lol Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

I'm Not A Baby!

Happy fall y'all!

I CAN'T wrap my mind around the fact that it's already September! School is back in full swing and the weather is cooling down...(sometimes, mostly on the days my kids have their kiddie pool set up and ready to go!) Anyway, I've always looked at fall as the season of change, in Utah at least to me, it seems like it's the time of year with the most changes! We're going through changes and awaiting to see if there will be more as time goes on.

We have been foster free for about 6-8 weeks but that could change any day. We're going to give it another shot with some younger kids (if they call us!!) And see if we can turn fostering into adopting, that's the hope.

Our kiddos are getting way too big, and the problem is, they know it. Until lately, I've been pretending Emerson was still my baby but she won't accept that anymore... Emerson is so firey! If it's not her idea it's a bad idea in her mind. Tanner was cuddling her the other day and told her that's how he held her when she was tiny and she says "well I'm not a baby!" And Tanner said your my baby and she says "no I'm not a baby and I'm not tiny!" Rude! So we're in a baby free phase for the first time in four years and I don't know what to do, let's be clear it's lots easier! But it's weird!

AND Tanner has been applying and interviewing for work promotions so depending on how that plays out, we could have big work changes too.

I use to be afraid of change, I'm not saying I love it now, but I'm starting to see that it keeps life exciting and makes me rely on Faith and our Savior all the more! I must say, I usually have a plan, but I have no clue what the next couple months has in store for us! It's nuts! I'm excited to see where it goes! For now I'm trying to keep things steady in the ways I'm able to, and buckle up for life's unpredictable changes ahead!

I'll keep ya posted! Until then, I'm practicing my sewing skills, I've had lots of fun with it! My favorite blog right now is:

icandyhandmade.blogspot.com

It's awesome with fun patterns so try it out, I'm a terrible seamstress but even I've made cute stuff!!

Emerson is TWO!!

My baby is now full of sass and attitude and two in EVERY sense of the word! She's super cute and a lot of fun to have around but the girl is all girl and therefore very exhausting!

She's in love with anything purple and pink and Minnie Mouse, which was the obvious theme of all her birthday gifts! She can spot pink things from a mile away and will yell! "Cute mom! Look! Pink!" She also LOVES to cuddle and almost always has her planket or banket depending on how she decides to pronounce it that day! She loves to do her make up, she calls it pretty eyes, and her hair and she's super independent! I think she's two going on ten some days! Other days, she's still my baby who says "I wanna hold you"

She's a very special part of our family and we can't believe she's so old!

Emerson saw this Minnie Mouse costume and had to put it on right away then she wouldn't take it off and kept saying "look moma! I'm MeMe! So cute!"

She and Tate also had a blast at bear lake, even though it rained half of the time! This picture of her in the purple dirt was her before we had all unloaded our cars! She was more dirt than kiddo! We had so much fun with both sets of grandparents and all of the aunt's and uncles except uncle ty! However, the pale ones in the group got very sunburnt! :( me and Tate were good to go though!

Oh and not to brag but I made this dress for Tanner's sisters wedding next month! Modest Yellow lace ain't easy to find going into fall so I gave it a shot!

Backyard Bliss!

FINALLY after MONTHS AND YEARS of blood sweat and tears on this dag gum backyard we are finally able to play in it for the first time this summer and we're excited!

This yard has been a pain in our backs since we bought this house, the weeds were up to the top of the fence but after some hard work and landscaper drama we're finally out enjoying it!

This week, we're headed to bear lake with all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles so we're testing out the tent to see if it survived the last camping adventure and jumping out on the trampoline! It's an awesome feature to have it dug in ground but my goodness LOTS of man hours! Think before you dig because once you start you're kind of committed!

This would've been EXTRA nice a few months ago when our fosters were still here but we're happy to have it now!

No No Wet!

Let me just tell you, I'm a firm believer in waiting to potty train when your child is ready, not when a book says, not when your friend's kids potty trained, not when your last kid potty trained. . . But it certainly isn't to do things on their terms if your as "bossy" as I am.  . .

Tate is going to be four in September and we've been dragging our feet with potty training. Santa brought all of the potty training gear we'd need and we tried it out during Christmas Vacation. He looked at us like we were lunatics. He couldn't figure out what we were asking him to do. After a day of no potty landing in the potty, we decided it must not be our time. So we took a break.

Two months after that, our fosters came and were here for five months. With them, came an appointment almost every day and a lot of craziness! So we decided it wouldn't be fair to him (or us) to add the extra weight of potty training. So we decided this week was the week, we'll give it a shot!

Monday was D day. I got his new Disney underwear out and we said goodbye to diapers and hello to the timer. We set it for every fifteen minutes and he learned really quickly that when it went off, he was supposed to go try. He still want really getting it until he wet about two drops in his underwear and freaked out! He kept saying 'I'm so sorry monsters Inc.! No No Wet!!' After that, he was pretty diligent in going when the alarm sounded which went from 15 to 20 to 30 to 45 minutes apart. He even went #2! (Sorry, too graphic?) That night I got a change of clothes and sheets ready and he went to bed in underwear. I fully expected an accident but he woke up dry! We've had a few near accidents, but he's always been able to stop himself and run to the bathroom. Nothing has been worse than an underwear change.

So now it's Wednesday and things are still going well. . . I'm afraid to post this because I don't want to jinx us! Here are the main factors that contributed to our success. . .

1. We waited for Tate! Were there some embarrassing diaper moments? Yes. Did people say "why isn't he potty trained?" Yes. But when we saw that he was not ready at Christmas, we accepted it and took a break we didn't force him and clean dirty underwear for months.

2. We waited until he could be the priority. We wanted to start last week but we had a lot going on so we waited until we could stay home a few days to focus. It's not fair to a kiddo to put extra pressure on them! Which brings me to the next point...

3. No potty training agenda. I hear often that people get pregnant and decide now the baby needs potty trained or they move or want to start preschool early etc. That is a lot of pressure for a toddler! And it makes mom less patient too! Do you think I wanted to pay for two kids in diapers, I'm the cheapest person you know so HECK NO! BUT I chose to have Emerson when Tate was only two, he didn't. I didn't think it was fair to punish or force him.

4. No pull ups. For Tate, he needed to jump full in and feel when he was wet. Pull ups were too close to diapers and too expensive for momma!

All in all, this is what worked for Tate, Emerson will probably be different. She's already wanting to use the potty and she isn't two yet! I'm not much of a parenting book reader, ironic,  but I truly believe in learning about children's minds and physical development and using that information to make informed decisions to parent every child in our home WHILE FOLLOWING THE GUIDANCE OF THE SPIRIT. :) Heavenly Father knows our kids the best, He created them, ask Him how to meet their needs. Every child we have is unique, they each need their own parenting style and Heavenly Father will guide us to what that need is every time!

Happy training!

Christmas in July

Well it's the hottest time of year so it makes prefect sense that our air conditioner is once again broken, good gracious thing after the other...

So, we're cooling down at "Grandma Charlie's" with some ac and celebrating some Christmas in July! We forgot to decorate our gingerbread men in December so why not do it now?!

Foster Care Changes Lives

Click on the link below:

America's Got Talent S09E01 Jaycob Curlee Awesome…: http://youtu.be/_lcCtbYBoc8

This is just one reason to give foster care a shot. Not every foster child will be an amazing musician, but EVERY foster child has felt like this kid and deserves someone to give them a chance.

Family Prayer

Five months ago, almost to the day, we brought home two kids who had gone through a lot and had experienced a gamut of emotions. The very first night we brought them home, we knelt in family prayer up in the boys' bedroom. We prayed for each child by name and asked for blessings to meet their specific needs. They were of course restless and didn't understand what we were doing but they were pleased to go along with it.

Since then, we have....

Prayed together before bed 153 times.

Gone to church 20 times

Made 10 loaves of bread and about 20 dozen cookies.

Did 240 loads of laundry

Watched 8 hours of LDS General Conference

Taken 330 pictures

Gone on 10 walks

Gone to 5 movies

Had 15 picnics

Given 450 baths

Read the same books 100's of times (yippie! If you'd like to know what Patrick keeps in his backpack, I'm the gal to ask)

Swam in the front yard 12 times, a real pool 2 times

Went to the zoo and aquarium 1 time

Went to the park 25 times

Went to time out countless times

Played 20 hours of Super Nintendo, Mario Brothers (curse you castle #3)

Drove 1500 miles added up

Went to 2 team meetings

Attended 1 court hearing (skipped 3)

Wrote 2 letters to mom in jail

9 family visits

Painted 20 fingernails 6 times

5 visits from caseworkers

Celebrated 7 birthdays and 3 holidays

Watched a billion youtube videos

Agonized over 40 pages of homework

Went to 22 playgroup meetings

Wrote 9 journal entries per kid

Offered 2 father's blessings

Had 2 going away parties, one with friends, one with family

Laughed everyday, cried every night, hugged more than ever and was humbled beyond words.

Last night, we gathered in a circle for prayer together for the last time as this group of six. This time, they all four knew how to pray and each of them begged to be the one to offer our final prayer together. This time, the children prayed for each person by name, thanked the Lord for their blessings, and asked for their needs. What a whirl wind the past five months have been...

I'll never be the same.

Today we took them to their new home with their wonderful family. Little Big Man sobbed as he said goodbye and Essa was eager to be with her cousins. Tate and Emerson cried as they gave them hugs goodbye and that was it. We drove away in a very quiet van.

We messed up a lot in this process, I rarely, if ever, had the right answers to the problem. I honestly, saw a side to myself at times that I wasn't proud of. But I really feel like this was an experience our family needed to grow and become better. After all, that's what life is about!

Going forward? We don't know. . . Right now I'm sitting in a quiet house for the first time in five months, so we'll figure that out tomorrow-ish!

. . .But you'll be the first to know. . .

Happy 4th of July!

I hope you all had a fantastic time celebrating our nation's freedom!! I felt overwhelmed with gratitude this year for all that we are blessed with here in this great country and state. It's sometimes so easy to get complacent and frustrated with your landscaper (long story), and overlook all that we're really blessed with and take for granted. Sometimes I don't feel worthy of being so blessed! There's no way I've earned it, but I sure am thankful!

This weekend for us had it's ups and downs to say the least. . .

It started with a week that put us through the ringer of one thing after the other just not going a as planned at all. Then Wednesday afternoon Tanner came home sick with food poisoning from a meatball sub he had at work. (He is now swearing off of beef, I'll let you know how long it lasts.) So, he was busy doing what ya do when you have food poisoning while I got the fosters ready to go on a weekend visit with the family members they'll be moving in with next week, as well as getting our stuff ready to go to Idaho Falls. We definitely needed to get out of town for awhile!

Friday morning, Tanner felt well enough to embark on the journey so we loaded up and headed north, dropping the kids off with the family along the way. By the time we got to Idaho,  Tanner was back to being under the weather but Tate and Emerson were ready to see the sights. So he stayed at his grandparents house while I went with my parents and sisters in laws to walk around the falls and check out all of the vendors with the kids. (I kept checking over my shoulder for a nine year old who had wandered off, it was nice to have kids who stayed close by!) That evening, we had a BBQ with the Ricks family and then walked over to the firework festivities that evening.

Tate and Emerson had a blast and weren't even scared or too tired even through it was like five hours after their bedtime! They were tiny troopers! When we got back to the house, Tate climbed in our van and said "ok get "little big man" and Essa!" Other than that, they didn't mention missing them hardly at all which is hopefully a good sign.

The next day, we packed up and headed home. Sunday we went to church and all of that good stuff and picked the kids up at 7:30 that night. They came out with brand new, name brand clothes and didn't want anything to do with us anymore. They told us about their 10pm bedtime and how they're too busy to go to church anymore. I must say I expected a wide variety of emotions in this process of transition but, I didn't expect to have my feelings hurt. I felt like our clothes weren't good enough, our house isn't good enough and we're not good enough. (let's be honest, it's an embarrassing way to feel, normal people would be only happy that they're happy) I begged in the meeting to let them just move in during the first overnight visit but no one agreed to it. Now this last week is extra. . . complicated. They don't want to be here anymore and have made it clear they won't miss us. I just want to rip the band aid off for us and Tate and Emerson instead of prolonging it and keeping kids who want to be else where here. There's nothing fun about the foster care process. I've never worked so hard and felt so unappreciated by so many different people at once EVER. (DCFS, their family, the kids, etc.)

So, let me give a little shout out to those of you who feel people just do foster care for the money. . .

(Tanner had a co worker say, "now that the kids are leaving, how do you plan to pay your mortgage?" So lucky you get to read my wrath)

First of all, I did the math we make about $0.25/hour with this gold mine so many apparently think we've hit, that's not taking out what portion we've spent on the kids themselves.

So, when you add up the sleepless nights, over 2000 miles put onto the car, the temper tantrums, the throwing, yelling, pants wetting, hair pulling, disrespecting, spitting, hitting, running away from home, etc. I really don't feel like I've struck it rich in the financial department.

So if ever the words "some people just do it for the money" have spilled out of your head,  please eat them. I'm not judging, I said it once I'm sure, just take this moment to be enlightened.

Tah, dah! I'm off my soap box. Thanks for putting up with it!!

Amazed

As our short five months with these kiddos comes to a close, I've been asking myself a lot of questions. . .

Did I love enough, do enough, teach them enough? Most importantly though, did I teach them how important they are to their Heavenly Father, that He loves them, that they're HIS children. As they go into the world and live with family members that don't practice any religion I wonder, have I really taught them to pray, to really reach out to Heavenly Father for love and support...

Last Sunday we were sitting in sacrament meeting and it was time for the sacrament hymn, which is always about the Savior's atonement, this week we sang "I Stand All Amazed" the chorus says
"Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me, oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me. " As we sang the chorus for the last time, like we have so many times before, Essa looked up at me, tears streaming down her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said in the softest most tender voice I've heard her use: "Jesus aren't dead. Are he?" I grabbed her precious frame into a big hug, dried her tears and whispered to her...

"No Essa! Jesus is not dead! He lives! He died for us and three days later he came back and He lived again and He lives now, forever. He is watching over you everyday. "

She smiled and her eyes, still full of tears lit up as she exclaimed: "I knew it! I just knew it! I knew Jesus was always with me, I could tell, I could feel it."

She has often stopped in her busy four- year- old schedule, to turn to me and say "Jesus is watching me right now."

So maybe I haven't taught them everything I wanted to, maybe I missed the mark A LOT! (actually not maybe, I have.) But Christ is making up the difference. I'm not sending them out alone with no guidance or direction. They're leaving with the light of Christ that each of us are born with because we are Heavenly Father's children, and they're leaving with the ability and more importantly, the desire to draw upon it.

As times get tough, they do and they will (this week has been horrendous here) I hope we can all have the faith and testimony of tiny Essa to KNOW that our Savior is there for us, to feel Him and to love Him like she does.

We went into foster care to help save someone else, but I know I have gained more than I've given. I've been far from prefect in this process, I've gotten frustrated, lost my temper and had to apologize A LOT, but I am thankful for the experience so far and I wouldn't change it for the world.

And I, like Essa, feel so thankful to say: "I knew it! I just knew it! I knew Jesus was always with me, I could tell, I could feel it."

Follow this link to listen to
"I Stand All Amazed"
https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/i-stand-all-amazed?lang=eng

Might As Well Be Excited

After two freakishly long weeks, Tanner finally got home from his National Guard Annual Training on Friday evening! I SO appreciate those who serve over seas for months and years at a time. It's incredible to me that they're able and willing to sacrifice that for all of us! It certainly makes our two weeks feel like a drop in an ocean in comparison! (and also makes me want to convince him NOT to re enlist when his contract ends next June, get out while we're ahead I guess!)

When he got home and we had some time without our small people with big ears, we of course discussed the upcoming transition for the kids. (By the way, this is exactly why he is the right husband for me, he's got me figured out!) As we talked about them leaving, and all of the different emotions associated with that, he said 'why not be excited?' At first I laughed especially because that day had been particularly hectic and the thought of 50% less work and responsibility, and noise, and mess, and head ache, etc. sounded like something I could wrap my mind around. Then I realized he was serious.

As he started to explain himself, I began to catch on to his point.

Little Big Man has been difficult basically since day one. However, his behaviors and habits are getting to the point that it will not be long until his needs extend beyond the scope of what our parenting skills can handle. That's just the truth of the matter.

I have tried not to burden all of you with the extent of his behaviors. At the end of the day, he's a nine year old little boy who is terrified of what the future holds and has experienced more heartache than kids should ever have to experience. However, in my husband's words 'he has hijacked our home'. All three younger kids cry or shrink in their seats when he comes up to them and from day to day we don't know what to expect. In fact, as I write this on my phone, he is kicking and screaming on the floor because he just physically attacked his sister and doesn't want his punishment, no electronics for the rest of the day. Doing things like writing this blog, singing church hymns, going outside and letting him stay inside and freak out and calling my mom and husband to talk to me about light hearted things in the moment is keeping me sane. I've become a master "ingoreer". But even the most highly skilled ignorers have a hard time being called child abusers for simply taking away a laptop from a child who is hitting, screaming and kicking. Things like spray painting my in laws personal possessions, including the dog are becoming too much for us to handle.

When we take this into consideration and realize that he'll be able to receive more help and therapy while with family, we realize this transition will be best for him, and probably for Tate and Emerson so,

why not be excited?

Essa is a sweetheart through and through. We absolutely enjoy her. She has had a lot of hard things, but nothing we couldn't help her with and certainly nothing that caused potential harm to the other family members. However, the past couple days she has begun crying for her cousins and grandma. She wants to be connected with them and she'll do well living with people she loves so....

'Why not be excited?'

So, were choosing to be excited because we feel like this will be best for all four kids. We of course are going to miss them, we love them and they have been a big part of our lives. We are nervous for their future and PRAY that their family will get the help they need to be a successful forever placement. Our greatest fear for them is that these behaviors will take over their home as well and that these two amazing kids will end up back in the system. We don't believe we will be able to be a back up plan for Little Big Man should this happen. (Essa is no problem) I so desperately want to be able to be that for him, but I don't believe I'll be able to out of concern for Tate and Emerson. But, as I've said from day one; they are not MY kids, they're not birth mom's kids, they are not the state's kids. They are our Heavenly Father's divine children. He's watching them, guiding them and protecting them. He will not leave them. I know that He will direct their ways. As much as I feel extreme guilt that I don't believe I could be the solution, I do believe that there was a reason our paths crossed. I know that Heavenly Father is also watching out for me and my family. I know it'll work out and there is a plan for each of us.

I'm thankful that I can rely on Him to guide and comfort me, all of us, through such an increasingly strenuous circumstance.

FINALLY

Three full weeks of complaining, tears, whining, and the longest days of our summer lives and FINALLY we are done!

You may recall that Little Big Man had been hiding a pretty hefty stack of paperwork from the school year from me and he earned himself the privledge to finish that stack. The deal was that I would take away his Nintendo DS until the stack was gone and he could not play or watch TV in the mornings until he had finished his five page quota for the day.

This deal started three weeks ago and it hasn't been pretty. There were times I wanted to give up and let him win but we white knuckled through and three weeks to the day later, the stack is DONE. He sat in the car for two hours during playgroup because he refused to finish his five pages, he watched his siblings play on a splash pad because he didn't feel like doing his subtraction but it still got done.

I must say I felt bad at times, but I'd do it again if I had to. He has learned a lot, first from the actual assignments and the lessons in them and second from the "fun" life lesson. Hopefully he'll realize that its easier to do things the first time around and that whether you want to or not, there are things in life that have to get done before you can play.

I feel like we're living in a world with way to much play first, work later. That's, in my opinion, why there is so much debt and heartache. Everything worth anything is going to require hard work. Maybe he'll learn that, maybe not. The point is,

MOM WON!!! WOOT WOOT!!! It almost killed me but here we are!

...On second thought, maybe Little Big Man won because I have NOT missed the drama of that stupid Nintendo DS....

So Close, Yet So Far

We're one week in to our annual two week military training that Tanner is required to go to every year. The crazy part is that this year he is in Dugway, about an hour from home, and he doesn't get to come home at all to visit! So close, yet so far.

At the beginning of the week, I was starting to think that the house just might crumble down around us. (It was also the first week off of school which doesn't help matters!) Little Big Man had hid all of his school work from me throughout the year, I found it the last day of school and now I'm requiring he finishes it before he's able to get his Nintendo DS back. This scenario turned out to be the catalyst for crazy!

He lost his Mind one afternoon when he was told to do his work. He started throwing things, calling names and going bazurk! It was like a hurricane. I had to take the other kids outside and let him work it out. That was all coupled with him saying a lot of hurtful things. I think it was a combination of the father figure being gone, missing his mom and overall frustration. That didn't make the freak out easier though.

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and lost. I was thinking this was going to be the LONGEST summer of my life! These new behaviors being added to the old was just pure insanity to be honest.

Luckily, he started a play practice a few days later that he LOVED and made a lot of new friends at and that helped break up the days. Along with that, a book came in the mail. I had forgotten that I had ordered it two weeks earlier. It was my FAVORITE book in third grade so I thought Little Big Man would enjoy it too. When he first moved in, we use to read with him every night after we put the little kids to bed. The past month or so we had been sending him to bed to read himself to sleep. Honestly, as any parent knows, bedtime is the most important time of day so we were capitalizing on that! When the book came, I told him I'd read it with him before he went to bed. (Mostly because it's been do long since I've read it and I was "craving" it)

From that night on, his behavior has made a 180, he's been down right delightful. He's been helpful, kind and even done his homework without me having to bug him. Has been playing with the other kids and it was been amazing, I was starting to see that this could work out if I just made sure I was making the right effort.

It has become clear in the recent weeks they that they will not be going home to mom and we were seeing adoption in the future. It was exciting to think that the children I'd been caring for and loving as my own were really going to become my forever children.

I also knew that there was an aunt who had mentioned in passing that she would consider taking them after her wedding in July. But, I didn't think it was really going to pan out for a whole list of reasons.

Yesterday I got a text message that changed everything. The caseworker sent me a text that literally said 'looks like everything checked out with the aunt, what does your family need to make a smooth transition?'

So Close, yet so far.

Did I hear that right?! Two kids who have changed my life, who I have raised as my own who I was planning and hoping to adopt are leaving and all I got was a text message. Of course, I frantically texted back, asking for more details, like, oh I don't know, maybe the date they'll be leaving. After waiting for a half hour for a response, I got a text back but I still didn't get my questions answered. In fact, all I got was my heart ripped out.

My husband is gone, my kids are leaving and I'm exhausted. It's been awhile since I've felt so alone, so sad.

That evening, before we started to read, I decided I needed to tell Little Big Man. Although they'll probably be here for another 4-5 weeks, there are things that will be changing already. For example,  he will no longer be able to go to play practice because he won't be here for the performance. He deserves to know, it's his life.

So I got my most excited voice on and told him he gets to go live with his aunt!! Hip hip hooray! right?! Nope. Not close.  He lost it. I couldn't keep it together. Every other time he has cried, I've been able to be strong and cry later, alone. This time we both sat there, he was literally in my arms like a new born baby (he's the physical size of a three year old so this wasn't hard) and we just bawled. To be frank, his life kinda SUCKS. He doesn't get to decide anything, he's being tossed around like a rag doll. The least they could do is ask him what he wants and let him feel heard, even if that meant he still had to go with his aunt. At least he could feel like all these grown ups took five minutes to give a crap about how he felt.

Then we read. Every couple paragraphs he'd stop and ask me something like "will I ever see you again", "can we talk on the computer", "do you think I could come visit", all questions I couldn't answer because that'll be up to his aunt. I can't promise him anything. I can't fix anything. I went into foster care to help kids, I've only seen more hurt so far.

And my kids are going to be utterly heartbroken. They don't like it when the kids leave their sight, let alone their lives.

But there are some tender mercies:

The aunt seems super sweet and it is so brave of her to be willing to take on so much with all she has going on in her life.

They get to live near all of their family members.

I am losing two of my children, probably forever. But I get an advanced warning a lot of parents don't get; I have a month left with them. I can spend that month enjoying the moments and making the most of everyday. Definitely a reminder to live everyday, and seize every moment.

I think I had more but I forgot them... let me think....

Yeah, it has left me. Except for this...

I got to meet two of the most amazingly strong and incredible people who came in such tiny packages. They've taught me so much I can't even put it into words. I'll never be the same. This is the HARDEST thing I've ever done, but the more risk you take and the more you give, there's that much more to gain. That couldn't be more true in this case.

Thanks for your love, prayers and support. We'll need it as we prepare to say goodbye.

Mommy! I NEED Chocolate!

I've realized that I've written so much about our latest additions that I've failed to talk about my other kids for awhile....

Tate is getting so big and doing really well. He started speech therapy two years ago with a local therapist and after NO results, we called in the big guns and started driving into town twice a month to meet with a PHENOMENAL speech pathologist! He has been there over a year and his progress has been incredible. He's still tough to understand for a lot of people that don't know him but he is putting longer and longer sentences together and can speak well enough to play with other kids. When he started with his second therapist he could say only five words! It's been a long tough road to watch him work so hard for what so many kids can learn easily, but seeing that someday he'll get there has been worth it. I had so many sleepless nights praying for his success, he would cry and throw tantrums when other people couldn't understand him and there was a lot of times that were very tough. But, he's also lots of fun! He just got his first bike and he really enjoys the half hour it takes to go around the block! He LOVES his two new siblings and plays the best with Essa. They're partners in crime and enjoy building blocks and acting silly. He's still only three so the whining and tantrums could use some refining, but it's night and day from before! It's nice to see how far he's come! It creates so much excitement for the future!

Emerson is almost TWO! I don't know where all the time has gone! She is so fun and I'm really enjoying being her momma right now! She's the first child I've had in my home that has learned how to talk on her own! She is such a chatter box! She comes up with new cute things to say everyday. She is petite and gentle and a wonderful mom to her baby dollies. She feeds them and gives them naps, watch out when they're asleep because she'll yell at you and tell you to SHHH if you even think about talking!  She's a daddy's girl when it works for her (he spoils her) and a momma's girl when that's more convenient.... basically what I'm saying is, she's SMART! Which also can be naughty! The other day Tanner and I were in our room and she was in the hall,  She started yelling mom! Momma! Mommy! Tanner Said,  looks like it's your turn! (She has to say your name three or four times even if you answer right away, it's her thing!) I kept saying what?! Then she said: I need daddy! It was wonderful to not be needed for once! But, she had already learned that "need" is the word to use instead of want... When I went in her room to get her up from her nap I walked in and she said,  "Mommy,  I NEED chocolate." I don't have a single clue where she picks these things up! Overall, she enjoys being the baby of the family and having everyone pamper to her every whim, I think I have a mini teenager on my hands but I wouldn't change it for the world!

So,  the younger half of my smalls are doing well! They are growing and learning like tiny sponges and picking up all the older kids will show them,  thank goodness they don't teach naughty stuff... mostly!

I Phone Day

In case you haven't noticed from past posts, life has been crazing me up lately. I kid you not, it has felt like as one storm passes another one follows in it's wake.  After awhile I kind of just decided to keep my windows borded up. Joke's on life; if I already was expecting crazy, it couldn't sneak up on me anymore.... Can I let you in on something?

That's really no way to live.

I was getting real grumpy real quick. Actually, I don't think I was ever getting un-grumpy, toward my kids at least. I was waking up expecting small people to disobey, talk back and frankly, just plain act nuts. Out the gate I was like, "stop whining" this and "listen to me" that and  "I KNOW YOU WANT CEREAL!! YOU'VE SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES EVERY MORNING FOR THE PAST 80 DAYS!" Every morning.

Here's the deal. I was kind of living with blinders on. I was robbing myself of the ability and opportunity to zoom out and see the bigger picture. All I was seeing was the ear piercing whistling which is almost constant,  (one of my people's nervous habit that could kill a man) and the immediate back sass to pretty much every word I spoke. Then I'd just get so frustrated in that moment, that the day became very long and very overwhelming REAL quick.

I was starting to wonder if I could live this reality for a long time, ya know that forever thing...and it was clear to me that I couldn't. I couldn't live frustrated like that forever. I started thinking foster care, adoption, none of it was going to work out. After all, that was the problem, right?

Until I got a phone call.

I got a call that made me realize I had to figure things out and fast. For various reasons, visits with mom are no longer and the possibility of adoption could come around the corner far more quickly than we'd expected. And I knew I needed to find a solution to the doom and glume. And we all know that to find a solution you first have to find the problem.... turns out that problem was not the kids or anyone else. It was ME and my blinders I had on. I was so focused on the moment I had lost all hope of being patient. I decided to take the blinders off and start again, so I offered myself this challenge...

THE CHALLENGE: spend the next few days looking for and ONLY voicing the positive.

Problem with this is, I had to come clean and do some apologizing. As if apologizing isn't bad enough, I had

to apologize to a nine year old.

Give that a spin sometime and try to tell me it isn't humbling. ESPECIALLY when said nine year old has been pushing your authority.

So, when Little Big Man came home from school that day I sat him down and said "I need to apologize to you. I haven't been patient lately and I've been really grumpy. I've been having a lot of I Phone days lately and I'm sorry. I love you and want you to know that and when I'm grumpy it's hard to feel loved."

A few posts ago, I mentioned Little Big Man came up with a code word for bad days so he could tell us he was having a bad day without coming out and saying it, that word is I Phone.

He grabbed me up in a big hug and started LAUGHING! Then he said "you're silly mom, of course I know you love me! We all have I Phone days!"

We made a deal that as I try to be less grumpy, he'll try to be more obedient.

I'm thankful things are turning around, we all are having fewer I Phone days. And I hope to always remember that when those I Phone days roll around, that I should not let them take over my life.

After all, we all have I Phone days every now and then.

Taking our "brand new" $6 DI bikes for their first spin around the block. It was my three and four year olds' first bike ride and it took a half hour to go around the block! Ahhh... my kind of family home evening!

Birth Moms

So it's been a few days since I've posted mostly because I don't what to say anymore. It's seems like a lot of same thing different day lately.

But, it was Mother's Day so I do think some things need to be said on behalf of all that...

Mother's Day around here was a little nuts. In the morning my family came over before church to Skype my brother who is currently on a LDS mission in Sweden. So we had to be ready earlier than usual which was a miracle in and of itself. Then, three hours of church followed by family dinner at our house with all kinds of grandma's and mom's to go around. We really did have a lot of fun but the day was extremely stressful, mostly because of Little Big Man.

I'm trying to find a way to put this delicately but the kid was acting all kinds of nuts. He was bouncing off the walls and being incredibly defiant with temper tantrums as the cherry on top. My patience bucket wasn't just empty by the end of the day, it was bone dry. That night when he FINALLY went into the bathroom to take his shower (I think we only asked about 15 times), he just plain broke down bawling because he missed his mom. Duh! Hello? Mother's Day!!

I felt pretty sad for him and darn stupid all at the same time! I should've seen these behaviors coming from a mile away, however in the moment when a nine year old is acting like he's three, it takes a lot of deep breaths. As we talked it through it and also explained to him that when he's sad he's got to stop and say he's sad, instead acting cra cra he started to calm down. We came up with a code word he could say on those days if it's too hard to come out and say it.

Mom's are pretty darn important whether they've got it all together or not. That's just the facts. One of my BBF's recently shared her story with me. I haven't seen her in years and was heartbroken to hear that her story aligned with our kiddos far too closely. As she shared her heart with me, I couldn't help but feel sick for her. I wanted to fix it and make it all better for her and her babies. I pray daily for her and her success, hoping that she'll be victorious in her fight and her ending won't be like our birth mom's.

Yesterday we had a team meeting for the kids. I can't say what we talked about, but I can say hearing a mom sob and sob for an hour over the phone is heartbreaking. (Sorry, don't have a wide enough vocabulary for another word to use so I'll say it A LOT, heartbreaking!) I'm no rocket scientist when I say moms have a special bond with their kids, but I think it's sometimes easy to forget that even the struggling moms have that bond as well.

There are tons of times that I'm frustrated with the process, and frankly with mom,  but yesterday reminded me that everyone has a story and a past. Whether we think we have someone figured out, there is always something we don't know.

So, my goal going forward is to be a little less judgy of mom, a little more compassionate, and a lot more humble. There's not one person this process is easy for, but my attitude could make all the difference.

Sad Either Way

Another Wednesday, another cancelled visit.  No surprise, it fit right in with our "every other week" system.... it's sad that the kids are starting to realize that visits are getting spread thin and they're starting to question where they'll land in all of this....

I always knew that if the time came that we would become the adoptive parents of these kiddos, there would be a time that they would have to say good bye to people they love. I knew that'd be tough, I knew that there would be a lot to help them work through if that day came.  I also knew that if they went back home that it'd be tough for us and our kids to say good bye to two tiny people who have begun to play a HUGE role in our lives....

I learned today yet ANOTHER thing I didn't know....

Little Big Man came and laid by me on the bed (we've all been sick, it's my turn now, just in time for Tanner's three day drill weekend! I'm the one in a war zone, DO NOT COME OVER, we should be quarantined....) anyway, he told me that last night he had a dream that he went back to his mom and he had to say good bye to us forever.

I said, "well that had to be an awesome dream, you've always wanted to be back with your mom!"

He disagreed. "No, I cried and cried and cried. I would miss you guys so much. You're my family. My only family. I love having so many people and family around me all of the time." (And to think, I'd like a day here or there with A LOT less people around, I don't know what quiet sounds like anymore)

So I asked him what would be more sad,  to stay here and be adopted or to go home to mom.

He thought for a long time and got a sad look on his face.  "Both things would make me so sad. Both things would be SO good and SO sad. No matter what happens to me, I'll be sad."

How do you hold back tears?! Today was the first day I realized that these kids have a sad ending and new beginning coming their way no matter what happens. How unfair is that?! All these grown ups get to make all kinds of decisions, and they get to be sad at the end. I seriously thought if they went home they'd be thrilled and not really look back. No joke.  It didn't really occur to me that they'd care about leaving us because they'd be so happy to be with mom.

In fact, his solution was to finish our basement and let him live with his sister and mom down there. Try explaining why that won't work. In a nine year old's mind, it's the picture prefect scenario.

But, with the sad comes the happy! Everything has it's opposites, I think that is a tender mercy that we're blessed with. In almost every situation we're in, we can look for the sad, but we can also choose to see the good. It makes the sad easier to take.

The past couple weeks I've been wallowing in my own pity.  This life is no joke! (For any of us! But I think I was choosing to forget that a tiny bit) I haven't been feeling healthy (or like myself...physically...thank goodness I haven't lost my marbles! Can you imagine?!) for a long time, and the emotional stress as well as the unknown has been taking it's toll. I've had to mourn the loss of the far more simple life I use to have (and clean house) and accept that I'm no super woman! And get use to this reality and accept that it could change again at any time.

Perhaps this conversation was the slap in the face Heavenly Father knew I needed.  Sometime, this life of limbo will end and a decision will be made. Either way, I still get to keep two of my awesome babies, my extended family and most importantly,  my amazing husband "best friend love of my life" guy. (He is the only reason I've got Any kind of hope to keep going. Seriously an incredibly strong man!) No matter what I'll be ok.  I know their mom loves them and if she's able to get them back, they'll be OK. They have Heavenly angels, I know that, I've seen too much evidence of it to believe otherwise. So, stay or go,  I'll make it.

THEY have much more to fear... to  loose. So I need to pull it together, get over it and help them gain the testimonies and tools to face life.

We can't protect our kids from the ugly that comes up in our lives. We can teach them who they can rely on, how to overcome hard things, and that they are Heavenly,  Sacred, individuals and children of God. No child is sent to earth without Him and without the light of Christ or without a DIVINE plan. The BEST thing we can do for our kids is teach them that, help them internalize that.

I would be lost without loving parents who taught me that. Thank you.

The Grim Reaper

So much yet so little has happened since most recent post...

Last week, mom missed her second visit and it looks like we're starting to establish an every other week pattern. Along with the obvious problems that come from that like not knowing what to expect from week to week,  comes some additional issues along the way.

As some of you may know, Essa had buzzed short hair when she came.  She said it was because she would cry when her hair is brushed and she got in trouble and got it shaved. Little Big Man's version was that she would pull her hair out so her mom kept it very short.  Well,  that story is starting to look more and more accurate. 

Since mom has began missing visits and Essa's hair had grown,  She is once again pulling it out in chunks. This poor little girl, not even old enough for kindergarten has experienced so much trauma and stress she had developed this method of dealing with it.  We are trying to keep her busy and offer reminders to her to not pull her hair (she mostly does it when her hands are not occupied) but it's going to take so much more than that to help her overcome it. 

I hope we can find her the help she needs before it develops into full blown Trichotillomania, a hair pulling disease that often comes from stress or lack of control.  We're looking into beginning counseling services for her but it's difficult because that does not change her reality. It feels like we're just playing a long waiting game to guess and see what her fate will be.  I have no idea how terrible it must be to feel like you have no control over the things that happen in your life,  childhood might not be as great as we all like to think; always waiting for someone else to make the decisions. At least when you're an adult, you decide where to live, when to eat, who will be in your life and who will not.  Sometimes it's easy to play the martyr and act like life is a ride that we sit back and enjoy but the truth is,  We decide a lot,  We get that privilege.  Kids don't.

In fact,  missing every other visit is making the visits she does come to as difficult as the ones that are missed.  The reason for this is that before when mom came on a regular basis,  good bye wasn't that hard.  They knew that the week would fly by and they'd get to see her again.  Now however,  it's tears the whole ride home because their little minds can't help but wonder if this is good bye for a long time. Based on their past,  it could be goodbye for months.  And honestly,  I can't make any promises,  she's so unpredictable at this point it could easily be actual months until they saw her again.

I use to say she couldn't find a ride or stories like that but I've began to realize that they deserve the truth (age appropriate truth) this is their lives and their mom.  So the truth is,  She doesn't call the caseworker,  or doesn't come,  no one knows why,  we just know that is what is happening.

So... the Grim Reaper.... at the most recent visit, mom brought another gift (although it's not approved) and guess what it was this time?! A grim reaper necklace. She's kneeling down praying with them at one moment and the next minute handing him a "gorgeous" Grim Reaper necklace. At first I thought (our really hoped more than anything) it could be a cultural symbol that I had never seen before so I decided to google it and double check. Unfortunately all I could find was what I already knew, the Grim Reaper represents evil and also is a popular gang symbol.

This is obviously something that can't be worn around the house and especially can't be worn to school. So we've had to explain that to him and provide him a safe place to store it because it's important to him. It's very difficult to explain to a nine-year-old that although it's from his mom it can't be worn and it's inappropriate around other children. We explained it very gently and showed him where to keep it,  but he threw a fit (said fits are becoming more and more frequent and all the more difficult to have patience for) and said he'd just give it back to her.  Once again,  We're in a rock and a hard place because we don't need extra Momma Drama! We just told him he can keep it,  but cannot wear it and hope it blows over,  not sure what else to do.

On the day to day,  temper tantrums and crying fits are increasing which is causing more difficulty.  In some ways, I think it'd be easier if they had thrown fits right out the gate but going on three months and they begin to emerge is hard.  It's hard to know how they can behave and have to endure atotally different set of behaviors.  They're good kids but it does wear on your after awhile.  Not to mention,  We have to provide for their every need,  work through the fits and all of the stuff in between (appointments, homework, hair pulling,  etc.) but rarely get to make any of the big decisions. I guess that's life of foster care and people can tell you that everyday but until you actually experience it you have no if of what it exactly entails.

For now,  We're just waiting for the next court date and trying to keep things fun and more importantly predictable and pray that the predictability and monotony will provide much of the comfort and strength they need to over come.

Enslaved by a Drug Addict

Oh the fun of visitations will never be lost on me...

Because mom missed a visit recently, it is required that she contacts the caseworker the morning of the visit to confirm the appointment in an effort to save us the hour long drive. This morning, attempts were made to contact her and after awhile, the visit was cancelled. Then, she was all of the sudden able to call back and I had to rush to get ready and load up all four kids to take the trek out to the DCFS office. (Had to wake the baby up too by the way.)

I dropped the kids off with the caseworker, as usual, and I took my homegrown kids (that's how they termed it at our foster class, not my word! :) ) to run some errands while we waited like normal. When I picked them up, they came rushing out to the car with their arms over flowing with expensive, elaborate gifts. (Not the first time)

Of course, our home grown kids were eager to see the gifts and wanted in on their spoils. But these gifts aren't just gifts, they're "mom gifts" and are officially deemed sacred and off limits in the kids' eyes. Of course this is how they feel, no surprise. The problem is that these expensive things start to become more important than human beings and their feelings and that is NOT OK! I have a very strong belief that if you have an item that makes you say or do things that are unkind in an effort to protect that item, then it needs to leave or your attitude towards it needs to change. I believe this is true whether you're 1 or 101. This is why I don't buy expensive furniture or clothes for my kids, I don't want to feel that way about my things toward my kids. (That doesn't mean I don't teach them to respect things we work hard for, they don't get to be small crazies, I just know things happen when you have four kids and don't want to put them or myself in that situation.) So now, I have to find a way to respect them and the crap their mom gave them, because it is important to them, stuff and gifts have literally been the only constant in their lives, while also teaching them how to be kind while loving those things. I don't know how to do that exactly. (And try grounding a foster kids from a toy birth mom gave them when they misbehave, it's ugly.) So it's just another part of the job I guess, it just adds another layer of complication to it all.

This weekend, Little Big Man mentioned a family member who he was close with before and misses. This family member has been contacted but shows no interest in taking care of them right now. That brought me to a lot of prayer and reflection; I couldn't understand how someone who loved and cared for a child (children in this case) could give up all of it so easily and let strangers take over their care, not knowing where they are or what they're doing. The answer to that became VERY clear to me this morning, it's like a light switch came on...

They are tired of being a slave to a drug addict.

During the time Little Big Man and Essa was with this family member, mom was on drugs. I'm getting a glimpse on how hard it must have been. You feel like you have to do and say all of the right things to not upset them while you're taking care of their kids so they don't get ripped out from under you. After all, they still aren't your kids. Then mom swoops in for the fun stuff...when it works for her....and is constantly needing something, rarely contributing anything useful...family members get worn out, they can't do it anymore. So now the kids are in care and...

Now, I sometimes feel like I'm a slave to a drug addict.

I have to bring her kids to her when she's good and ready to respond that she'll be there. (I don't mind visits when they are scheduled and kept as normal, I signed up for that part.) I have to deal with the fancy stuff she gives and does with her kids when she does see them...if I don't play house right when Essa wants she says "every time I see my mommy she plays house." I remind her I have lots of other chores I do for her which is why I don't get to play at a drop of a hat...we have to wait for her to do the things listed in her case plan to get her kids back, and wait for the second and third chances...and help the kids with through the emotional heart ache it all causes, the pants wetting, and acting out....after awhile foster parents start to get worn out too.

And ultimately the kids are slaves to a drug addict.

They have to live in limbo missing the people they love most. The family members can find relief and break free and sort of give up, the foster parents have a legal system that does it's best to protect (it's not perfect, but it does help). But with all of the love and counseling, the kids are still left with confusion and hurt; missing the parents they love and who loves them. The parents are barely making it too, they had the only people they cared most about torn from them when they were doing their personal best to raise and care for them. Their bodies yearn for substances and behaviors that often take them further and further from their kids and deeper and deeper into heartache and the drugs they use to medicate it all.

And the parents are slaves to the Drug.

Drugs and addiction cause so much pain and hurting. I wish I could take that addiction away from this birth mom. She REALLY loves her kids, they all deserve so much better. There's a reason we're all here, there is something we all need to learn, I just hope we can take drugs out of the picture as soon as possible.

Drugs suck.

General Conference

We LOVE CONFERENCE!! We're eight minutes in and it is so cute! Wish us luck for the next 7 hours 52 minutes! I feel blessed to have a living prophet and leaders to teach and inspire us and provide guidance for today!

www.lds.org has all of the updates and streaming from this conference! If you missed it, you're missing out!

Removed

This is why foster care is important. If it has ever crossed your mind that you could maybe help a child in care but can't be an actual foster parent right now watch this video then go to utahfostercare.org there are about a million ways you can bless the lives of children in care.

Watch the video: click on the link: REMOVED
http://youtu.be/lOeQUwdAjE0

Makes hard days easier to handle...

Blessings of Family

On Friday, my cousin got married in the Draper Temple! It was an amazing experience! He married an amazing woman and it is obvious that the two of them are meant to be together and are truly in love! I love going to weddings and seeing people enter into this marriage thing totally blind, it really takes me back! Just kidding!

 

Along with weddings come a lot of family members which means it was the first time the kiddos met the extended family! They went to Grandma R's house while we went to the wedding and luncheon, then we came all the way back home, cleaned and fed them and drove them back into Salt Lake for the reception. I was nervous for them at first, but that was silly of me I guess because they were VERY outgoing and excited to meet with everyone! They took to playing with all of my cousins' kids right away and they had the time of their lives! I'm one of the youngest cousins in the family which means there are lots of kids to play with when we all get together. In about an hour, my kids had made a whole new collection of 'best friends for life!'

 

The next day, all of us met up again at a local park to roast hot dogs and s'mores, fly kites and play on the playground equipment!  It was so fun for my family to be around so many other cousins because both Tanner and I are the only siblings with kids in our family, we aren't aunts and uncles and our poor kiddos don't have cousins! (To be honest, it made me wish that I was still one of 'the cousins' running around, instead of the moms! I seriously don't have a clue where all of the time went!)

When it was time to go, Little Big Man learned that his new best friends all live in Idaho! He was heartbroken! He was so sad that another group of people he now loves is going to be so far away that he won't be able to see them! Saying good bye to family is always hard for all of us, but I think it was a totally different thing for someone who just wants everyone to stay put for awhile.

 

But, with that said, the weekend was great and a huge reminder of how important family is. We are so blessed to have such an amazing family and people who love and support us through our journey with all four of our babies, we have to words for how much they all mean to us and we're thankful for every excuse we have to spend time with them all.

Thanks guys!