The Grim Reaper

So much yet so little has happened since most recent post...

Last week, mom missed her second visit and it looks like we're starting to establish an every other week pattern. Along with the obvious problems that come from that like not knowing what to expect from week to week,  comes some additional issues along the way.

As some of you may know, Essa had buzzed short hair when she came.  She said it was because she would cry when her hair is brushed and she got in trouble and got it shaved. Little Big Man's version was that she would pull her hair out so her mom kept it very short.  Well,  that story is starting to look more and more accurate. 

Since mom has began missing visits and Essa's hair had grown,  She is once again pulling it out in chunks. This poor little girl, not even old enough for kindergarten has experienced so much trauma and stress she had developed this method of dealing with it.  We are trying to keep her busy and offer reminders to her to not pull her hair (she mostly does it when her hands are not occupied) but it's going to take so much more than that to help her overcome it. 

I hope we can find her the help she needs before it develops into full blown Trichotillomania, a hair pulling disease that often comes from stress or lack of control.  We're looking into beginning counseling services for her but it's difficult because that does not change her reality. It feels like we're just playing a long waiting game to guess and see what her fate will be.  I have no idea how terrible it must be to feel like you have no control over the things that happen in your life,  childhood might not be as great as we all like to think; always waiting for someone else to make the decisions. At least when you're an adult, you decide where to live, when to eat, who will be in your life and who will not.  Sometimes it's easy to play the martyr and act like life is a ride that we sit back and enjoy but the truth is,  We decide a lot,  We get that privilege.  Kids don't.

In fact,  missing every other visit is making the visits she does come to as difficult as the ones that are missed.  The reason for this is that before when mom came on a regular basis,  good bye wasn't that hard.  They knew that the week would fly by and they'd get to see her again.  Now however,  it's tears the whole ride home because their little minds can't help but wonder if this is good bye for a long time. Based on their past,  it could be goodbye for months.  And honestly,  I can't make any promises,  she's so unpredictable at this point it could easily be actual months until they saw her again.

I use to say she couldn't find a ride or stories like that but I've began to realize that they deserve the truth (age appropriate truth) this is their lives and their mom.  So the truth is,  She doesn't call the caseworker,  or doesn't come,  no one knows why,  we just know that is what is happening.

So... the Grim Reaper.... at the most recent visit, mom brought another gift (although it's not approved) and guess what it was this time?! A grim reaper necklace. She's kneeling down praying with them at one moment and the next minute handing him a "gorgeous" Grim Reaper necklace. At first I thought (our really hoped more than anything) it could be a cultural symbol that I had never seen before so I decided to google it and double check. Unfortunately all I could find was what I already knew, the Grim Reaper represents evil and also is a popular gang symbol.

This is obviously something that can't be worn around the house and especially can't be worn to school. So we've had to explain that to him and provide him a safe place to store it because it's important to him. It's very difficult to explain to a nine-year-old that although it's from his mom it can't be worn and it's inappropriate around other children. We explained it very gently and showed him where to keep it,  but he threw a fit (said fits are becoming more and more frequent and all the more difficult to have patience for) and said he'd just give it back to her.  Once again,  We're in a rock and a hard place because we don't need extra Momma Drama! We just told him he can keep it,  but cannot wear it and hope it blows over,  not sure what else to do.

On the day to day,  temper tantrums and crying fits are increasing which is causing more difficulty.  In some ways, I think it'd be easier if they had thrown fits right out the gate but going on three months and they begin to emerge is hard.  It's hard to know how they can behave and have to endure atotally different set of behaviors.  They're good kids but it does wear on your after awhile.  Not to mention,  We have to provide for their every need,  work through the fits and all of the stuff in between (appointments, homework, hair pulling,  etc.) but rarely get to make any of the big decisions. I guess that's life of foster care and people can tell you that everyday but until you actually experience it you have no if of what it exactly entails.

For now,  We're just waiting for the next court date and trying to keep things fun and more importantly predictable and pray that the predictability and monotony will provide much of the comfort and strength they need to over come.

Enslaved by a Drug Addict

Oh the fun of visitations will never be lost on me...

Because mom missed a visit recently, it is required that she contacts the caseworker the morning of the visit to confirm the appointment in an effort to save us the hour long drive. This morning, attempts were made to contact her and after awhile, the visit was cancelled. Then, she was all of the sudden able to call back and I had to rush to get ready and load up all four kids to take the trek out to the DCFS office. (Had to wake the baby up too by the way.)

I dropped the kids off with the caseworker, as usual, and I took my homegrown kids (that's how they termed it at our foster class, not my word! :) ) to run some errands while we waited like normal. When I picked them up, they came rushing out to the car with their arms over flowing with expensive, elaborate gifts. (Not the first time)

Of course, our home grown kids were eager to see the gifts and wanted in on their spoils. But these gifts aren't just gifts, they're "mom gifts" and are officially deemed sacred and off limits in the kids' eyes. Of course this is how they feel, no surprise. The problem is that these expensive things start to become more important than human beings and their feelings and that is NOT OK! I have a very strong belief that if you have an item that makes you say or do things that are unkind in an effort to protect that item, then it needs to leave or your attitude towards it needs to change. I believe this is true whether you're 1 or 101. This is why I don't buy expensive furniture or clothes for my kids, I don't want to feel that way about my things toward my kids. (That doesn't mean I don't teach them to respect things we work hard for, they don't get to be small crazies, I just know things happen when you have four kids and don't want to put them or myself in that situation.) So now, I have to find a way to respect them and the crap their mom gave them, because it is important to them, stuff and gifts have literally been the only constant in their lives, while also teaching them how to be kind while loving those things. I don't know how to do that exactly. (And try grounding a foster kids from a toy birth mom gave them when they misbehave, it's ugly.) So it's just another part of the job I guess, it just adds another layer of complication to it all.

This weekend, Little Big Man mentioned a family member who he was close with before and misses. This family member has been contacted but shows no interest in taking care of them right now. That brought me to a lot of prayer and reflection; I couldn't understand how someone who loved and cared for a child (children in this case) could give up all of it so easily and let strangers take over their care, not knowing where they are or what they're doing. The answer to that became VERY clear to me this morning, it's like a light switch came on...

They are tired of being a slave to a drug addict.

During the time Little Big Man and Essa was with this family member, mom was on drugs. I'm getting a glimpse on how hard it must have been. You feel like you have to do and say all of the right things to not upset them while you're taking care of their kids so they don't get ripped out from under you. After all, they still aren't your kids. Then mom swoops in for the fun stuff...when it works for her....and is constantly needing something, rarely contributing anything useful...family members get worn out, they can't do it anymore. So now the kids are in care and...

Now, I sometimes feel like I'm a slave to a drug addict.

I have to bring her kids to her when she's good and ready to respond that she'll be there. (I don't mind visits when they are scheduled and kept as normal, I signed up for that part.) I have to deal with the fancy stuff she gives and does with her kids when she does see them...if I don't play house right when Essa wants she says "every time I see my mommy she plays house." I remind her I have lots of other chores I do for her which is why I don't get to play at a drop of a hat...we have to wait for her to do the things listed in her case plan to get her kids back, and wait for the second and third chances...and help the kids with through the emotional heart ache it all causes, the pants wetting, and acting out....after awhile foster parents start to get worn out too.

And ultimately the kids are slaves to a drug addict.

They have to live in limbo missing the people they love most. The family members can find relief and break free and sort of give up, the foster parents have a legal system that does it's best to protect (it's not perfect, but it does help). But with all of the love and counseling, the kids are still left with confusion and hurt; missing the parents they love and who loves them. The parents are barely making it too, they had the only people they cared most about torn from them when they were doing their personal best to raise and care for them. Their bodies yearn for substances and behaviors that often take them further and further from their kids and deeper and deeper into heartache and the drugs they use to medicate it all.

And the parents are slaves to the Drug.

Drugs and addiction cause so much pain and hurting. I wish I could take that addiction away from this birth mom. She REALLY loves her kids, they all deserve so much better. There's a reason we're all here, there is something we all need to learn, I just hope we can take drugs out of the picture as soon as possible.

Drugs suck.

General Conference

We LOVE CONFERENCE!! We're eight minutes in and it is so cute! Wish us luck for the next 7 hours 52 minutes! I feel blessed to have a living prophet and leaders to teach and inspire us and provide guidance for today!

www.lds.org has all of the updates and streaming from this conference! If you missed it, you're missing out!