Might As Well Be Excited

After two freakishly long weeks, Tanner finally got home from his National Guard Annual Training on Friday evening! I SO appreciate those who serve over seas for months and years at a time. It's incredible to me that they're able and willing to sacrifice that for all of us! It certainly makes our two weeks feel like a drop in an ocean in comparison! (and also makes me want to convince him NOT to re enlist when his contract ends next June, get out while we're ahead I guess!)

When he got home and we had some time without our small people with big ears, we of course discussed the upcoming transition for the kids. (By the way, this is exactly why he is the right husband for me, he's got me figured out!) As we talked about them leaving, and all of the different emotions associated with that, he said 'why not be excited?' At first I laughed especially because that day had been particularly hectic and the thought of 50% less work and responsibility, and noise, and mess, and head ache, etc. sounded like something I could wrap my mind around. Then I realized he was serious.

As he started to explain himself, I began to catch on to his point.

Little Big Man has been difficult basically since day one. However, his behaviors and habits are getting to the point that it will not be long until his needs extend beyond the scope of what our parenting skills can handle. That's just the truth of the matter.

I have tried not to burden all of you with the extent of his behaviors. At the end of the day, he's a nine year old little boy who is terrified of what the future holds and has experienced more heartache than kids should ever have to experience. However, in my husband's words 'he has hijacked our home'. All three younger kids cry or shrink in their seats when he comes up to them and from day to day we don't know what to expect. In fact, as I write this on my phone, he is kicking and screaming on the floor because he just physically attacked his sister and doesn't want his punishment, no electronics for the rest of the day. Doing things like writing this blog, singing church hymns, going outside and letting him stay inside and freak out and calling my mom and husband to talk to me about light hearted things in the moment is keeping me sane. I've become a master "ingoreer". But even the most highly skilled ignorers have a hard time being called child abusers for simply taking away a laptop from a child who is hitting, screaming and kicking. Things like spray painting my in laws personal possessions, including the dog are becoming too much for us to handle.

When we take this into consideration and realize that he'll be able to receive more help and therapy while with family, we realize this transition will be best for him, and probably for Tate and Emerson so,

why not be excited?

Essa is a sweetheart through and through. We absolutely enjoy her. She has had a lot of hard things, but nothing we couldn't help her with and certainly nothing that caused potential harm to the other family members. However, the past couple days she has begun crying for her cousins and grandma. She wants to be connected with them and she'll do well living with people she loves so....

'Why not be excited?'

So, were choosing to be excited because we feel like this will be best for all four kids. We of course are going to miss them, we love them and they have been a big part of our lives. We are nervous for their future and PRAY that their family will get the help they need to be a successful forever placement. Our greatest fear for them is that these behaviors will take over their home as well and that these two amazing kids will end up back in the system. We don't believe we will be able to be a back up plan for Little Big Man should this happen. (Essa is no problem) I so desperately want to be able to be that for him, but I don't believe I'll be able to out of concern for Tate and Emerson. But, as I've said from day one; they are not MY kids, they're not birth mom's kids, they are not the state's kids. They are our Heavenly Father's divine children. He's watching them, guiding them and protecting them. He will not leave them. I know that He will direct their ways. As much as I feel extreme guilt that I don't believe I could be the solution, I do believe that there was a reason our paths crossed. I know that Heavenly Father is also watching out for me and my family. I know it'll work out and there is a plan for each of us.

I'm thankful that I can rely on Him to guide and comfort me, all of us, through such an increasingly strenuous circumstance.

FINALLY

Three full weeks of complaining, tears, whining, and the longest days of our summer lives and FINALLY we are done!

You may recall that Little Big Man had been hiding a pretty hefty stack of paperwork from the school year from me and he earned himself the privledge to finish that stack. The deal was that I would take away his Nintendo DS until the stack was gone and he could not play or watch TV in the mornings until he had finished his five page quota for the day.

This deal started three weeks ago and it hasn't been pretty. There were times I wanted to give up and let him win but we white knuckled through and three weeks to the day later, the stack is DONE. He sat in the car for two hours during playgroup because he refused to finish his five pages, he watched his siblings play on a splash pad because he didn't feel like doing his subtraction but it still got done.

I must say I felt bad at times, but I'd do it again if I had to. He has learned a lot, first from the actual assignments and the lessons in them and second from the "fun" life lesson. Hopefully he'll realize that its easier to do things the first time around and that whether you want to or not, there are things in life that have to get done before you can play.

I feel like we're living in a world with way to much play first, work later. That's, in my opinion, why there is so much debt and heartache. Everything worth anything is going to require hard work. Maybe he'll learn that, maybe not. The point is,

MOM WON!!! WOOT WOOT!!! It almost killed me but here we are!

...On second thought, maybe Little Big Man won because I have NOT missed the drama of that stupid Nintendo DS....

So Close, Yet So Far

We're one week in to our annual two week military training that Tanner is required to go to every year. The crazy part is that this year he is in Dugway, about an hour from home, and he doesn't get to come home at all to visit! So close, yet so far.

At the beginning of the week, I was starting to think that the house just might crumble down around us. (It was also the first week off of school which doesn't help matters!) Little Big Man had hid all of his school work from me throughout the year, I found it the last day of school and now I'm requiring he finishes it before he's able to get his Nintendo DS back. This scenario turned out to be the catalyst for crazy!

He lost his Mind one afternoon when he was told to do his work. He started throwing things, calling names and going bazurk! It was like a hurricane. I had to take the other kids outside and let him work it out. That was all coupled with him saying a lot of hurtful things. I think it was a combination of the father figure being gone, missing his mom and overall frustration. That didn't make the freak out easier though.

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and lost. I was thinking this was going to be the LONGEST summer of my life! These new behaviors being added to the old was just pure insanity to be honest.

Luckily, he started a play practice a few days later that he LOVED and made a lot of new friends at and that helped break up the days. Along with that, a book came in the mail. I had forgotten that I had ordered it two weeks earlier. It was my FAVORITE book in third grade so I thought Little Big Man would enjoy it too. When he first moved in, we use to read with him every night after we put the little kids to bed. The past month or so we had been sending him to bed to read himself to sleep. Honestly, as any parent knows, bedtime is the most important time of day so we were capitalizing on that! When the book came, I told him I'd read it with him before he went to bed. (Mostly because it's been do long since I've read it and I was "craving" it)

From that night on, his behavior has made a 180, he's been down right delightful. He's been helpful, kind and even done his homework without me having to bug him. Has been playing with the other kids and it was been amazing, I was starting to see that this could work out if I just made sure I was making the right effort.

It has become clear in the recent weeks they that they will not be going home to mom and we were seeing adoption in the future. It was exciting to think that the children I'd been caring for and loving as my own were really going to become my forever children.

I also knew that there was an aunt who had mentioned in passing that she would consider taking them after her wedding in July. But, I didn't think it was really going to pan out for a whole list of reasons.

Yesterday I got a text message that changed everything. The caseworker sent me a text that literally said 'looks like everything checked out with the aunt, what does your family need to make a smooth transition?'

So Close, yet so far.

Did I hear that right?! Two kids who have changed my life, who I have raised as my own who I was planning and hoping to adopt are leaving and all I got was a text message. Of course, I frantically texted back, asking for more details, like, oh I don't know, maybe the date they'll be leaving. After waiting for a half hour for a response, I got a text back but I still didn't get my questions answered. In fact, all I got was my heart ripped out.

My husband is gone, my kids are leaving and I'm exhausted. It's been awhile since I've felt so alone, so sad.

That evening, before we started to read, I decided I needed to tell Little Big Man. Although they'll probably be here for another 4-5 weeks, there are things that will be changing already. For example,  he will no longer be able to go to play practice because he won't be here for the performance. He deserves to know, it's his life.

So I got my most excited voice on and told him he gets to go live with his aunt!! Hip hip hooray! right?! Nope. Not close.  He lost it. I couldn't keep it together. Every other time he has cried, I've been able to be strong and cry later, alone. This time we both sat there, he was literally in my arms like a new born baby (he's the physical size of a three year old so this wasn't hard) and we just bawled. To be frank, his life kinda SUCKS. He doesn't get to decide anything, he's being tossed around like a rag doll. The least they could do is ask him what he wants and let him feel heard, even if that meant he still had to go with his aunt. At least he could feel like all these grown ups took five minutes to give a crap about how he felt.

Then we read. Every couple paragraphs he'd stop and ask me something like "will I ever see you again", "can we talk on the computer", "do you think I could come visit", all questions I couldn't answer because that'll be up to his aunt. I can't promise him anything. I can't fix anything. I went into foster care to help kids, I've only seen more hurt so far.

And my kids are going to be utterly heartbroken. They don't like it when the kids leave their sight, let alone their lives.

But there are some tender mercies:

The aunt seems super sweet and it is so brave of her to be willing to take on so much with all she has going on in her life.

They get to live near all of their family members.

I am losing two of my children, probably forever. But I get an advanced warning a lot of parents don't get; I have a month left with them. I can spend that month enjoying the moments and making the most of everyday. Definitely a reminder to live everyday, and seize every moment.

I think I had more but I forgot them... let me think....

Yeah, it has left me. Except for this...

I got to meet two of the most amazingly strong and incredible people who came in such tiny packages. They've taught me so much I can't even put it into words. I'll never be the same. This is the HARDEST thing I've ever done, but the more risk you take and the more you give, there's that much more to gain. That couldn't be more true in this case.

Thanks for your love, prayers and support. We'll need it as we prepare to say goodbye.