Oh the fun of visitations will never be lost on me...
Because mom missed a visit recently, it is required that she contacts the caseworker the morning of the visit to confirm the appointment in an effort to save us the hour long drive. This morning, attempts were made to contact her and after awhile, the visit was cancelled. Then, she was all of the sudden able to call back and I had to rush to get ready and load up all four kids to take the trek out to the DCFS office. (Had to wake the baby up too by the way.)
I dropped the kids off with the caseworker, as usual, and I took my homegrown kids (that's how they termed it at our foster class, not my word! :) ) to run some errands while we waited like normal. When I picked them up, they came rushing out to the car with their arms over flowing with expensive, elaborate gifts. (Not the first time)
Of course, our home grown kids were eager to see the gifts and wanted in on their spoils. But these gifts aren't just gifts, they're "mom gifts" and are officially deemed sacred and off limits in the kids' eyes. Of course this is how they feel, no surprise. The problem is that these expensive things start to become more important than human beings and their feelings and that is NOT OK! I have a very strong belief that if you have an item that makes you say or do things that are unkind in an effort to protect that item, then it needs to leave or your attitude towards it needs to change. I believe this is true whether you're 1 or 101. This is why I don't buy expensive furniture or clothes for my kids, I don't want to feel that way about my things toward my kids. (That doesn't mean I don't teach them to respect things we work hard for, they don't get to be small crazies, I just know things happen when you have four kids and don't want to put them or myself in that situation.) So now, I have to find a way to respect them and the crap their mom gave them, because it is important to them, stuff and gifts have literally been the only constant in their lives, while also teaching them how to be kind while loving those things. I don't know how to do that exactly. (And try grounding a foster kids from a toy birth mom gave them when they misbehave, it's ugly.) So it's just another part of the job I guess, it just adds another layer of complication to it all.
This weekend, Little Big Man mentioned a family member who he was close with before and misses. This family member has been contacted but shows no interest in taking care of them right now. That brought me to a lot of prayer and reflection; I couldn't understand how someone who loved and cared for a child (children in this case) could give up all of it so easily and let strangers take over their care, not knowing where they are or what they're doing. The answer to that became VERY clear to me this morning, it's like a light switch came on...
They are tired of being a slave to a drug addict.
During the time Little Big Man and Essa was with this family member, mom was on drugs. I'm getting a glimpse on how hard it must have been. You feel like you have to do and say all of the right things to not upset them while you're taking care of their kids so they don't get ripped out from under you. After all, they still aren't your kids. Then mom swoops in for the fun stuff...when it works for her....and is constantly needing something, rarely contributing anything useful...family members get worn out, they can't do it anymore. So now the kids are in care and...
Now, I sometimes feel like I'm a slave to a drug addict.
I have to bring her kids to her when she's good and ready to respond that she'll be there. (I don't mind visits when they are scheduled and kept as normal, I signed up for that part.) I have to deal with the fancy stuff she gives and does with her kids when she does see them...if I don't play house right when Essa wants she says "every time I see my mommy she plays house." I remind her I have lots of other chores I do for her which is why I don't get to play at a drop of a hat...we have to wait for her to do the things listed in her case plan to get her kids back, and wait for the second and third chances...and help the kids with through the emotional heart ache it all causes, the pants wetting, and acting out....after awhile foster parents start to get worn out too.
And ultimately the kids are slaves to a drug addict.
They have to live in limbo missing the people they love most. The family members can find relief and break free and sort of give up, the foster parents have a legal system that does it's best to protect (it's not perfect, but it does help). But with all of the love and counseling, the kids are still left with confusion and hurt; missing the parents they love and who loves them. The parents are barely making it too, they had the only people they cared most about torn from them when they were doing their personal best to raise and care for them. Their bodies yearn for substances and behaviors that often take them further and further from their kids and deeper and deeper into heartache and the drugs they use to medicate it all.
And the parents are slaves to the Drug.
Drugs and addiction cause so much pain and hurting. I wish I could take that addiction away from this birth mom. She REALLY loves her kids, they all deserve so much better. There's a reason we're all here, there is something we all need to learn, I just hope we can take drugs out of the picture as soon as possible.
Drugs suck.
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