The Grim Reaper

So much yet so little has happened since most recent post...

Last week, mom missed her second visit and it looks like we're starting to establish an every other week pattern. Along with the obvious problems that come from that like not knowing what to expect from week to week,  comes some additional issues along the way.

As some of you may know, Essa had buzzed short hair when she came.  She said it was because she would cry when her hair is brushed and she got in trouble and got it shaved. Little Big Man's version was that she would pull her hair out so her mom kept it very short.  Well,  that story is starting to look more and more accurate. 

Since mom has began missing visits and Essa's hair had grown,  She is once again pulling it out in chunks. This poor little girl, not even old enough for kindergarten has experienced so much trauma and stress she had developed this method of dealing with it.  We are trying to keep her busy and offer reminders to her to not pull her hair (she mostly does it when her hands are not occupied) but it's going to take so much more than that to help her overcome it. 

I hope we can find her the help she needs before it develops into full blown Trichotillomania, a hair pulling disease that often comes from stress or lack of control.  We're looking into beginning counseling services for her but it's difficult because that does not change her reality. It feels like we're just playing a long waiting game to guess and see what her fate will be.  I have no idea how terrible it must be to feel like you have no control over the things that happen in your life,  childhood might not be as great as we all like to think; always waiting for someone else to make the decisions. At least when you're an adult, you decide where to live, when to eat, who will be in your life and who will not.  Sometimes it's easy to play the martyr and act like life is a ride that we sit back and enjoy but the truth is,  We decide a lot,  We get that privilege.  Kids don't.

In fact,  missing every other visit is making the visits she does come to as difficult as the ones that are missed.  The reason for this is that before when mom came on a regular basis,  good bye wasn't that hard.  They knew that the week would fly by and they'd get to see her again.  Now however,  it's tears the whole ride home because their little minds can't help but wonder if this is good bye for a long time. Based on their past,  it could be goodbye for months.  And honestly,  I can't make any promises,  she's so unpredictable at this point it could easily be actual months until they saw her again.

I use to say she couldn't find a ride or stories like that but I've began to realize that they deserve the truth (age appropriate truth) this is their lives and their mom.  So the truth is,  She doesn't call the caseworker,  or doesn't come,  no one knows why,  we just know that is what is happening.

So... the Grim Reaper.... at the most recent visit, mom brought another gift (although it's not approved) and guess what it was this time?! A grim reaper necklace. She's kneeling down praying with them at one moment and the next minute handing him a "gorgeous" Grim Reaper necklace. At first I thought (our really hoped more than anything) it could be a cultural symbol that I had never seen before so I decided to google it and double check. Unfortunately all I could find was what I already knew, the Grim Reaper represents evil and also is a popular gang symbol.

This is obviously something that can't be worn around the house and especially can't be worn to school. So we've had to explain that to him and provide him a safe place to store it because it's important to him. It's very difficult to explain to a nine-year-old that although it's from his mom it can't be worn and it's inappropriate around other children. We explained it very gently and showed him where to keep it,  but he threw a fit (said fits are becoming more and more frequent and all the more difficult to have patience for) and said he'd just give it back to her.  Once again,  We're in a rock and a hard place because we don't need extra Momma Drama! We just told him he can keep it,  but cannot wear it and hope it blows over,  not sure what else to do.

On the day to day,  temper tantrums and crying fits are increasing which is causing more difficulty.  In some ways, I think it'd be easier if they had thrown fits right out the gate but going on three months and they begin to emerge is hard.  It's hard to know how they can behave and have to endure atotally different set of behaviors.  They're good kids but it does wear on your after awhile.  Not to mention,  We have to provide for their every need,  work through the fits and all of the stuff in between (appointments, homework, hair pulling,  etc.) but rarely get to make any of the big decisions. I guess that's life of foster care and people can tell you that everyday but until you actually experience it you have no if of what it exactly entails.

For now,  We're just waiting for the next court date and trying to keep things fun and more importantly predictable and pray that the predictability and monotony will provide much of the comfort and strength they need to over come.