Audios 2014!

Since it's been a couple months, I'm not exactly sure where to start. . .

First, I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. We enjoyed being with the folks we love most and having a break from the craziness. There's nothing better than watching your kids experience the magic of all of the holiday season and their spirits and personalities blossom. They are all getting so big and so smart and say the cutest things! My favorite quote right now is when Emerson said "oh Tate! Your belly button is SO cute!" To which he replied "No Emerson! Don't touch my belly button!" I have so much fun with them, to be honest, they're more fun than work. I pretty much crack up all day and love all the hugs and kisses. I'd be missing out on incredible amounts of joy if I didn't have them. I definitely gain more than I give with this whole mom thing. I love my breaks here and there, but I wouldn't trade this job for the world.

Another highlight to the holidays was that Tanner was able to take a lot of time off during the holidays which was very much needed for all of us. He has been working ultra overtime for the past three or four months so even when he's home, he has had to work on his computer until he went to bed just to stay sort of on top of the extra work load. Long story short, I think he pulled the short stick at work. But we're SO thankful for his job and his ability to meet the needs of our family by working there so we've tried to endure it well until things hopefully are able to calm down a little.

So overall, the past couple months since I posted have been crazy craze but good for us; we were able to have thanksgiving and Christmas with our extended family members here in our home which is something I've always wanted to be able to do so it was great to have most of the people I love around.  ¡Mi casa es tu casa! (So sorry, I'm terrible at Spanish but I keep trying) AND my brother "uncle ty" came home from his LDS mission in Sweden two days before thanksgiving and it's been great to have him around, my kids act like he's been here for the past two years so it's super. He definitely returned with honor!

Now on to the baby update. He's doing much better than the professionals expected him to be at this stage in the game. His breathing has normalized, he participated in another swallow study and was taken off of the feeding tube completely, and he's learning, through physical therapy, to hold up his head and roll over (he'll be 4 months old in a week so he's almost on track with average development which is AMAZING for a child with down syndrome) So that's all the awesome. . . The not so awesome is that he STILL cannot see because he hasn't received his glasses (he was supposed to start wearing them in October but because if the special order and his face shape they haven't gotten them to fit him yet! INSANITY) Along with that, he has failed two hearing tests so he now has to take far more extensive testing in a week or so to determine if he has permanent hearing loss, fluid in his ears which would require he gets tubes in his ears or if he had fluid in his ears which has since cleared out. He was very sick the week of thanksgiving which was the week before his hearing test so we're hopeful his tests come back clear for that reason. He definitely hears because he's a super light sleeper! :( 

So, he is down to ophthalmologist appointments,  ENT appointments,  biweekly physical therapy and biweekly vision therapy. His care, right now is much more manageable and we've decided through prayer and careful consideration, that if given the opportunity, we will adopt him. While we were going through the past few months we felt a lot of pressure within ourselves and from many others to "find a nice young couple that had no other obligations that could make him their full time job." (If I had a dollar for everytime I heard or thought that over the past few months I'd be well off.) But, as we prayed about it two main things became clear; we ARE a nice young couple who loves him and want and can take care of him. (Sometimes nice.) And two, the thought that came so clear to my heart was that we have been blessed with one of the purest spirits of our Heavenly Father sent in this tiny package, and there was no way we could deny the opportunity to experience the love, joy,  learning and sacrifice that will come from caring for him. PLUS we love him more than words express and can't imagine life without him.

Now that we've come to this decision, the process of working with DCFS and the court system has built up a level of nervousness and anxiety that is difficult to overcome. I was once able to spend hours with his birth mom (I struggle with using the word mom, we call him "his lacey" that may or may not be her real name, you get the point) however now, I get sick to my stomach when I'm around her. She's nice to me but she still struggles with drugs off and on and is SO immature I fear that her ability to be charismatic and do barely enough, and lie a lot,  will take over and she'll get him back, unable to care for him fully. (I need more education on how the laws work, like if she does half of the requirements, will that be enough to satisfy the state?! I don't know and it keeps me up at night.) She hasn't been to a single of his doctor's  appointment although she's supposed to be but she always has a good "reason" will the judge overlook that? I'm facing the reality that my baby could be given to a drug addict who might not take care of him, who might put him in danger. Who ALREADY HAS.  It's so scary.

So 2015 is going to be my year of faith. Faith that my Heavenly Father will guide my ways and direct my path. Faith that baby boy is His son and that He'll always be there for Him, even if someday I'm not allowed to be. Faith that I'll be ok, my kids will be ok and Tanner will be ok if we "loose" another family member. (foster care is SO hard, I don't number myself among the men and women who labor through it year after year and bless so many children and forget their own needs to bless others, they're TRULY heros and will always hold a special place in my heart. It takes special people to do this all the time.)
Faith that Tate and Emerson will continue to progress, that Tate's speech will improve and they'll be happy, healthy and learn the things they need to learn. Letters, numbers all the good stuff. 

Faith that if we get to adopt this sweet boy,  we'll have the energy to take care of four kiddos four and under! We might need a nanny when baby four comes in a few months! (June 10th) (yeah find out about this baby days after being placed with baby boy. I am the same number of weeks asking as he is old. To the day. I've been more sick this time than ever before and it's been really hard. I'm so thankful for my husband and family, they loved me and helped me even as I've neglected so many things while trying to survive. I think I feel a little better now, mostly.)

Faith that we'll laugh more than cry. Play as much as we work. Serve the Lord and love our neighbors. Strengthen our family and increase our testimonies in our Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ. There's one thing I know, we'll be able to make it if we rely on the Lord and that He has a plan for us. If there's one thing I can trust, it's that we are not alone in any of it. That's great comfort in all the other unknowns and unrest we face.

Thanks for your love and support. My wish for you is that 2015 brings you much happiness and joy going forward even through all your hard stuff, stuff that makes my stuff sound like complaining. (sorry, I try to l not to whine, this is kind of my vent page, I should try to be better about that) I hope you feel the light of Christ through it all.

QUICK UPDATE:
Little Big Man and Essa called me out of nowhere for the first time after they had been gone four months. As I talked to them, they sounded so happy and healthy and they're being well cared for and loved. Little Big Man said he had been missing us and wanted to visit soon, I don't know if that'll happen but I think it comforted him to hear from us. At the end of our conversations Little Big Man said that his grandma wanted to tell me something. So she got on the phone and we exchanged pleasantries then she said:
"The kids are doing well they miss you but they're doing great. We don't know why, but somehow we've been receiving the friend magazine and I've been reading it with them. (I ordered it to be sent to their home when they left.) Little Big Man started scouts with the church that you gave us the phone number for. The last time I took him, the leader asked me if we would like to start going to church on Sunday. (Her voice cracked a bit) I told her I wanted to go so badly but had no way to get there. Now, the scout leader is picking me and the kids up every Sunday. It's been wonderful."

I sometimes wondered what our purpose would be in their lives, it was only five months, but a tough five months and I felt like I had failed. But I know now that if those kids get to have the gospel in their lives because of the friend magazine and a scout leader who was attuned to the spirit, every hard day was totally worth it.

Heavenly Father has a plan, there are no accidents.