Another Wednesday, another cancelled visit. No surprise, it fit right in with our "every other week" system.... it's sad that the kids are starting to realize that visits are getting spread thin and they're starting to question where they'll land in all of this....
I always knew that if the time came that we would become the adoptive parents of these kiddos, there would be a time that they would have to say good bye to people they love. I knew that'd be tough, I knew that there would be a lot to help them work through if that day came. I also knew that if they went back home that it'd be tough for us and our kids to say good bye to two tiny people who have begun to play a HUGE role in our lives....
I learned today yet ANOTHER thing I didn't know....
Little Big Man came and laid by me on the bed (we've all been sick, it's my turn now, just in time for Tanner's three day drill weekend! I'm the one in a war zone, DO NOT COME OVER, we should be quarantined....) anyway, he told me that last night he had a dream that he went back to his mom and he had to say good bye to us forever.
I said, "well that had to be an awesome dream, you've always wanted to be back with your mom!"
He disagreed. "No, I cried and cried and cried. I would miss you guys so much. You're my family. My only family. I love having so many people and family around me all of the time." (And to think, I'd like a day here or there with A LOT less people around, I don't know what quiet sounds like anymore)
So I asked him what would be more sad, to stay here and be adopted or to go home to mom.
He thought for a long time and got a sad look on his face. "Both things would make me so sad. Both things would be SO good and SO sad. No matter what happens to me, I'll be sad."
How do you hold back tears?! Today was the first day I realized that these kids have a sad ending and new beginning coming their way no matter what happens. How unfair is that?! All these grown ups get to make all kinds of decisions, and they get to be sad at the end. I seriously thought if they went home they'd be thrilled and not really look back. No joke. It didn't really occur to me that they'd care about leaving us because they'd be so happy to be with mom.
In fact, his solution was to finish our basement and let him live with his sister and mom down there. Try explaining why that won't work. In a nine year old's mind, it's the picture prefect scenario.
But, with the sad comes the happy! Everything has it's opposites, I think that is a tender mercy that we're blessed with. In almost every situation we're in, we can look for the sad, but we can also choose to see the good. It makes the sad easier to take.
The past couple weeks I've been wallowing in my own pity. This life is no joke! (For any of us! But I think I was choosing to forget that a tiny bit) I haven't been feeling healthy (or like myself...physically...thank goodness I haven't lost my marbles! Can you imagine?!) for a long time, and the emotional stress as well as the unknown has been taking it's toll. I've had to mourn the loss of the far more simple life I use to have (and clean house) and accept that I'm no super woman! And get use to this reality and accept that it could change again at any time.
Perhaps this conversation was the slap in the face Heavenly Father knew I needed. Sometime, this life of limbo will end and a decision will be made. Either way, I still get to keep two of my awesome babies, my extended family and most importantly, my amazing husband "best friend love of my life" guy. (He is the only reason I've got Any kind of hope to keep going. Seriously an incredibly strong man!) No matter what I'll be ok. I know their mom loves them and if she's able to get them back, they'll be OK. They have Heavenly angels, I know that, I've seen too much evidence of it to believe otherwise. So, stay or go, I'll make it.
THEY have much more to fear... to loose. So I need to pull it together, get over it and help them gain the testimonies and tools to face life.
We can't protect our kids from the ugly that comes up in our lives. We can teach them who they can rely on, how to overcome hard things, and that they are Heavenly, Sacred, individuals and children of God. No child is sent to earth without Him and without the light of Christ or without a DIVINE plan. The BEST thing we can do for our kids is teach them that, help them internalize that.
I would be lost without loving parents who taught me that. Thank you.
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