After two freakishly long weeks, Tanner finally got home from his National Guard Annual Training on Friday evening! I SO appreciate those who serve over seas for months and years at a time. It's incredible to me that they're able and willing to sacrifice that for all of us! It certainly makes our two weeks feel like a drop in an ocean in comparison! (and also makes me want to convince him NOT to re enlist when his contract ends next June, get out while we're ahead I guess!)
When he got home and we had some time without our small people with big ears, we of course discussed the upcoming transition for the kids. (By the way, this is exactly why he is the right husband for me, he's got me figured out!) As we talked about them leaving, and all of the different emotions associated with that, he said 'why not be excited?' At first I laughed especially because that day had been particularly hectic and the thought of 50% less work and responsibility, and noise, and mess, and head ache, etc. sounded like something I could wrap my mind around. Then I realized he was serious.
As he started to explain himself, I began to catch on to his point.
Little Big Man has been difficult basically since day one. However, his behaviors and habits are getting to the point that it will not be long until his needs extend beyond the scope of what our parenting skills can handle. That's just the truth of the matter.
I have tried not to burden all of you with the extent of his behaviors. At the end of the day, he's a nine year old little boy who is terrified of what the future holds and has experienced more heartache than kids should ever have to experience. However, in my husband's words 'he has hijacked our home'. All three younger kids cry or shrink in their seats when he comes up to them and from day to day we don't know what to expect. In fact, as I write this on my phone, he is kicking and screaming on the floor because he just physically attacked his sister and doesn't want his punishment, no electronics for the rest of the day. Doing things like writing this blog, singing church hymns, going outside and letting him stay inside and freak out and calling my mom and husband to talk to me about light hearted things in the moment is keeping me sane. I've become a master "ingoreer". But even the most highly skilled ignorers have a hard time being called child abusers for simply taking away a laptop from a child who is hitting, screaming and kicking. Things like spray painting my in laws personal possessions, including the dog are becoming too much for us to handle.
When we take this into consideration and realize that he'll be able to receive more help and therapy while with family, we realize this transition will be best for him, and probably for Tate and Emerson so,
why not be excited?
Essa is a sweetheart through and through. We absolutely enjoy her. She has had a lot of hard things, but nothing we couldn't help her with and certainly nothing that caused potential harm to the other family members. However, the past couple days she has begun crying for her cousins and grandma. She wants to be connected with them and she'll do well living with people she loves so....
'Why not be excited?'
So, were choosing to be excited because we feel like this will be best for all four kids. We of course are going to miss them, we love them and they have been a big part of our lives. We are nervous for their future and PRAY that their family will get the help they need to be a successful forever placement. Our greatest fear for them is that these behaviors will take over their home as well and that these two amazing kids will end up back in the system. We don't believe we will be able to be a back up plan for Little Big Man should this happen. (Essa is no problem) I so desperately want to be able to be that for him, but I don't believe I'll be able to out of concern for Tate and Emerson. But, as I've said from day one; they are not MY kids, they're not birth mom's kids, they are not the state's kids. They are our Heavenly Father's divine children. He's watching them, guiding them and protecting them. He will not leave them. I know that He will direct their ways. As much as I feel extreme guilt that I don't believe I could be the solution, I do believe that there was a reason our paths crossed. I know that Heavenly Father is also watching out for me and my family. I know it'll work out and there is a plan for each of us.
I'm thankful that I can rely on Him to guide and comfort me, all of us, through such an increasingly strenuous circumstance.
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