So Close, Yet So Far

We're one week in to our annual two week military training that Tanner is required to go to every year. The crazy part is that this year he is in Dugway, about an hour from home, and he doesn't get to come home at all to visit! So close, yet so far.

At the beginning of the week, I was starting to think that the house just might crumble down around us. (It was also the first week off of school which doesn't help matters!) Little Big Man had hid all of his school work from me throughout the year, I found it the last day of school and now I'm requiring he finishes it before he's able to get his Nintendo DS back. This scenario turned out to be the catalyst for crazy!

He lost his Mind one afternoon when he was told to do his work. He started throwing things, calling names and going bazurk! It was like a hurricane. I had to take the other kids outside and let him work it out. That was all coupled with him saying a lot of hurtful things. I think it was a combination of the father figure being gone, missing his mom and overall frustration. That didn't make the freak out easier though.

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and lost. I was thinking this was going to be the LONGEST summer of my life! These new behaviors being added to the old was just pure insanity to be honest.

Luckily, he started a play practice a few days later that he LOVED and made a lot of new friends at and that helped break up the days. Along with that, a book came in the mail. I had forgotten that I had ordered it two weeks earlier. It was my FAVORITE book in third grade so I thought Little Big Man would enjoy it too. When he first moved in, we use to read with him every night after we put the little kids to bed. The past month or so we had been sending him to bed to read himself to sleep. Honestly, as any parent knows, bedtime is the most important time of day so we were capitalizing on that! When the book came, I told him I'd read it with him before he went to bed. (Mostly because it's been do long since I've read it and I was "craving" it)

From that night on, his behavior has made a 180, he's been down right delightful. He's been helpful, kind and even done his homework without me having to bug him. Has been playing with the other kids and it was been amazing, I was starting to see that this could work out if I just made sure I was making the right effort.

It has become clear in the recent weeks they that they will not be going home to mom and we were seeing adoption in the future. It was exciting to think that the children I'd been caring for and loving as my own were really going to become my forever children.

I also knew that there was an aunt who had mentioned in passing that she would consider taking them after her wedding in July. But, I didn't think it was really going to pan out for a whole list of reasons.

Yesterday I got a text message that changed everything. The caseworker sent me a text that literally said 'looks like everything checked out with the aunt, what does your family need to make a smooth transition?'

So Close, yet so far.

Did I hear that right?! Two kids who have changed my life, who I have raised as my own who I was planning and hoping to adopt are leaving and all I got was a text message. Of course, I frantically texted back, asking for more details, like, oh I don't know, maybe the date they'll be leaving. After waiting for a half hour for a response, I got a text back but I still didn't get my questions answered. In fact, all I got was my heart ripped out.

My husband is gone, my kids are leaving and I'm exhausted. It's been awhile since I've felt so alone, so sad.

That evening, before we started to read, I decided I needed to tell Little Big Man. Although they'll probably be here for another 4-5 weeks, there are things that will be changing already. For example,  he will no longer be able to go to play practice because he won't be here for the performance. He deserves to know, it's his life.

So I got my most excited voice on and told him he gets to go live with his aunt!! Hip hip hooray! right?! Nope. Not close.  He lost it. I couldn't keep it together. Every other time he has cried, I've been able to be strong and cry later, alone. This time we both sat there, he was literally in my arms like a new born baby (he's the physical size of a three year old so this wasn't hard) and we just bawled. To be frank, his life kinda SUCKS. He doesn't get to decide anything, he's being tossed around like a rag doll. The least they could do is ask him what he wants and let him feel heard, even if that meant he still had to go with his aunt. At least he could feel like all these grown ups took five minutes to give a crap about how he felt.

Then we read. Every couple paragraphs he'd stop and ask me something like "will I ever see you again", "can we talk on the computer", "do you think I could come visit", all questions I couldn't answer because that'll be up to his aunt. I can't promise him anything. I can't fix anything. I went into foster care to help kids, I've only seen more hurt so far.

And my kids are going to be utterly heartbroken. They don't like it when the kids leave their sight, let alone their lives.

But there are some tender mercies:

The aunt seems super sweet and it is so brave of her to be willing to take on so much with all she has going on in her life.

They get to live near all of their family members.

I am losing two of my children, probably forever. But I get an advanced warning a lot of parents don't get; I have a month left with them. I can spend that month enjoying the moments and making the most of everyday. Definitely a reminder to live everyday, and seize every moment.

I think I had more but I forgot them... let me think....

Yeah, it has left me. Except for this...

I got to meet two of the most amazingly strong and incredible people who came in such tiny packages. They've taught me so much I can't even put it into words. I'll never be the same. This is the HARDEST thing I've ever done, but the more risk you take and the more you give, there's that much more to gain. That couldn't be more true in this case.

Thanks for your love, prayers and support. We'll need it as we prepare to say goodbye.