Birthdays and Dentists, and Court! Oh My!

This week will mark the 5th week since our family size has doubled. We're definitely starting to get into a routine and I think we're starting to get the hang of things.

 

The first three weeks were pretty low key, but the last two weeks have become, well a little overwhelming. We have had an appointment for the kids everyday, in fact, two Mondays ago, three out of four kids had an appointmentt meetings with caseworkers, CASA (court appointed special advocates for the kids), visits with mom, Guardian Ad Liam (the 'attorney' assigned to the kids), doctors appointments, dentist appointments, (three in total, Little Big Man had three teeth rotting out of his head, and Essa has to go under IV sedation this Friday in addition to the multiple fillings she had last week) hair analysis appointments, mental health assessments, foster parent trainings, oh and a doctor appointment that we got to, spent an hour at and then they sent us home in the middle of because they determined they actually didn't take the kids' state health insurance! Yeah, I'm not kidding! So add an extra doctor appointment in there on top of all of it! I'm starting to feel like we might wear out our family who have been wonderful supporters and helpers with Tate and Emerson through all of this. So, I'd like to send a special thank you to them!

 

This week, the 'fun' continues with court (the judge wants the kids there, which I hear is kind of rare for how young our kiddos are) and then right after it we have to drive across town to take them to a visit with their mom, and potentially over to get their hair sample taken (this will determine if they were exposed to drug use).

 

I've come to decide that this would be only a THOUSAND times easier if there were about a third of the appointments and meetings! I know that all of these people are put in place to hopefully make sure that the kids' best interests are met. I mean they have a team of about ten people who are all working in their best interest. However, I feel like this can also be a little overwhelming, not just for me but also for the kids. They keep meeting new people who want to get to know them and spend twenty minutes with them and they are then expected to open up to them and to express all of their feelings and REMEMBER all of these people! (I can barely do that, I'm forgetting EVERYTHING, we showed up to the dentist an hour early and I didn't even realize it until my phone reminder went off an hour later) It feels like a bunch of people who just barely get to know them instead of one or two who know them really well. But, it is just another way 'the system' works. I should just be happy that there is a check and balance system and people are working to meet their needs; and ultimately it goes back to what I said a couple of posts ago, they are Heavenly Father's children and He is ultimately the one who will guide their path and protect them.

 

So, quickly I'll try to address the main questions we get asked...1. How long will they stay with you, and 2. How are you handling all of it?

 

First of all, I have no idea how long they are going to stay here. I really LOVE planning. There are a few factors that play into this. First of all, Mom's legal situation. Depending on how that pans out we might be able to adopt unless daily members come forward. There is one family member who had shown interest but he will be required to go through a lot of legalities (which is normal) before being considered. I hope it's figured out fast for their sake. I feel bad for them that they might patiently have to learn our rules and routine and then be uprooted again, especially if its many, many months from now. They've already been through so much and it really doesn't seem fair to make it harder on them.

So the answer to question #1: I DON'T KNOW AND IT'S KILLING ME!! If you know sooner than I do, let me know! Lol!

 

Second, how are we handling all of this.

This is HARD, there are times I feel like a fraud. People say, "oh you guys are awesome, I could never do that." But the truth is, there are days that I feel like I'm barely doing it. Not thriving, just surviving. I feel like we look like we're awesome or something, but we're actually just keeping our heads above water. It has been a rough transition to add a child five years older than the next oldest child. It has been hard to get use to working with the system. It has been hard to have so much unknown. It has been VERY hard to have the children go to visit their mom and receive all kinds of gifts from her and then come home and have the gifts become more important than other people and their feelings, and have the constant reminder that we're not really their parents. Which causes a little push back at times. It has been hard to have a nine year old who tries to co parent, and is louder than all the other kids put together (but that's beyond the point). It has been hard to adjust to family gatherings, bedtime, church, having a school aged child, etc. etc. etc.

But, to answer the question, we're doing OK. Its getting better, I'm learning patience in ways I never expected to. And Luckily, I have four of the cutest kids I've ever seen so that helps, all I have to do is look at their sweet brown (and little Emerson's blue) eyes and the hard stuff starts to feel worth it. But, we do appreciate all of the prayers on our behalf because if there is one thing I have learned above it all is that it will be impossible for use to do this alone.

 

Other than all of that, we're just trying to live normally and do normal things...

 

This past week, Little Big Man had a birthday, he turned nine! We kept his birthday low key, we just gave him his gift (a bike) and took him and the other kids to the park to have a picnic, ride the bike and fly kites (in theory). The kites didn't exactly cooperate. Then, yesterday the whole family came over for dinner, cake, and ice cream.

This is how most birthdays go down at our house, so we didn't want to set some fancy precedence when I have no intention of making birthdays more exciting than that! Ha Ha! Sorry, I'm very boring. It's probably best that everyone just learns that now and gets it out of the way!

 

Thanks for all of your support and help! I'll let you know how court on Wednesday morning goes!

 



First Visit With Mom

Discipline has been getting harder. We're new at this nine year olds thing. So, the puff jars are born. We have a big jar of colorful puff jars and each child has their own jar. When they obey or go out of their way to good or do something special, they get puffs. Puffs can also be taken away when they aren't behaving. When their jar is full, they get to choose a treasure out of the treasure box. (A bunch of dollar store like toys.) As they get use to it, I plan to have Little Big Man use it to buy time on the Nintendo or TV, the others are too young to understand that. Hopefully, we can kind of teach him budgeting and other awesome parenting 

stuff like that,  blah blah blah. 

So, it's been going well until Little Big Man's first puff removal. He darn near lost his mind and threw a three year olds fit! Crying, kicking, all that good stuff. Then he decided he found the prefect out, he just wasn't going to participate. Didn't see that one coming. But we had a heart to heart to him explaining how the behavior was disrespectful and puff jar is just part of family life around here...and let him preview the treasure box, talk about motivation, and we were back on track.

 

In other news, this past Wednesday was our first visit with their mom. Visits are currently scheduled for one hour a week at the DCFS office by the Fashion Place Mall (80 mile round trip from our house, to be exact) and are supervised by the children's caseworker. I take them in, drop them off and then pick them up an hour later, I don't have to stay for the entire hour of fun, however I'm already sick of what that portion of state street has to offer but that's a whole different story.

 

The first visit went relatively well. They were able to visit their mom, her sister and their baby cousin. It was the first time in over a month since they had seen her. She brought elaborate gifts, like sized Minney Mouse for Essa and a necklace and a Nintendo DS for Little Big Man. These 'guilt gifts' were nice and all, but it has caused the children to look forward to seeing their mom for the purpose of receiving another gift. I have asked the caseworker to consider monitoring the gifts a little more closely, I don't want them to begin to expect things like that.

 

The other hard part is that prior to the visits, the kids had begun to accept that their mom was in jail and that we were their parents (basically) and caregivers. Now, they have seen that she is released and don't understand why the cannot be with her all of the time, and I don't really know how to explain it to them without going beyond the scope of what they need to know. I let them know that she made choices that has made it unsafe for them to live with her right now, but they get to see and play with her at the special playroom every week. The other struggle is, their mom told them that in one year, they would be able to live with her again, that's a big promise to make because she still has to face a trial to determine her own fate. I think it has made it more difficult to settle in for Little Big Man now that he plans to leave.

 

Needless to say, their little brains are confused and their hearts are broken. They just want to be with their mom. They seem to be pretty happy here, but that doesn't change who their mom is and the roll that she has played in their lives for nine and four years.

 

The truth is, although the circumstance has been spotty at best, she has made many efforts to meet their needs and give them the love and support they need. I have only heard good things about their mom from the kids. They love her dearly, and I can tell she loves them. She has taught them to be kind and well adjusted young children. They are smart, and do fairly well in school and they are very loving to those they are around. Even as we left the visit she hugged them so tightly and told them to be kind to each other, helpful and respectful to me, and to do their homework and other responsibilities. It is obvious she has been doing her best as a young mom going through trials of her own, and that makes the kids miss her even more. She is remembered by all of us during family prayer every night.

 

 

Thank you for your prayers in our behalf! It's crazy around here, and all the support is needed!



Busy!

You name it, we're doing it this upcoming week! We've got dentist, doctors, caseworker, and mom visits mixed in with school, cub scouts and play group this week! They tell you that you'll be busy, but it's hard to understand how busy that really is until you're in the thick of it all.

 

Last week wasn't much different, on Monday we had three of the four children who had to be taken somewhere to do something! I just hope I don't drop the ball anywhere....so far, my juggling skills could probably get me into the circus! (I actually think I'm already there)

 

In spite of it all, the kids seem to be doing well! They're growing and making friends and getting more comfortable in our home, and Tate and Emerson are getting more comfortable with them being here too!

 

However, with comfort comes....well, comfort. What I mean by that is I think our 'honeymoon' phase is over and true behaviors and emotions are coming out. In general, I think that is a good thing. They're more able and willing to share things with us, but they are also pushing the boundaries and trying to figure out what is and what is not OK to do, and having never parented an 8 year old, I'm trying to figure things out too.

(Any ideas for discipline...and potty training, poor Tate does everything on his own time)

 

Along with all of that, we have recently learned that the kiddos have family members who are beginning the process of being able to facilitate visitation and potentially (a long way off, but still potentially) raise the kids full time. I think that this could be a good thing for them, studies show that kids do best with birth parents first, kin (family) second, and lastly with adoptive families. Assuming those situations are positive, healthy situations. And from what I know, the kids love this family member and have had very good interactions with them in the past.

 The problem with this, is knowing that someday it could happen, but not knowing when that could be and trying to still get into a stable daily routine and balance in the midst of it all. I know with everything that I have that Heavenly Father is watching over them and guiding their way, and I know in the end that it will all work out. But, what I'm finding is difficult is the days leading up to the end.

I think I finally understand the wisdom in finding Joy in the Journey, I can't live for the end result, I need to live for the moment; for myself, for my kids, and for my gosh darn sanity.

 

My favorite saying was given to me printed on a awesome old window, by my mom and mother in law for a bridal shower gift:

"Happiness is a Journey...Not a Destination."

If someone goes into foster care (or any thing else in life really) intending to find happiness in a final destination, they might not reach it. The key is the happiness in the everyday; like watching a four year old and an eight year old play with play dough for the first time EVER and seeing their little hands and minds at work as they mold and sculpt everything that comes to mind.

...So in our home, we're taking it a day at a time and doing what it takes to find the happiness in our journey...

Missing Mom

There is nothing easy about this foster care thing on the poor kiddos involved. No matter what, there are going to be sad days....

Yesterday morning was one of those days in our house. Little Big Man woke up and came down into my room, crawled into Tanner's side of the bed, buried his head in the pillow and just started sobbing. I asked him what was going on and he said he just didn't feel well. I asked if he was sick and he said no, he was sad. He had had a dream about his mom and missed her dearly.  He didn't want to talk to me about it, he wanted to talk to dad. (I think he was worried he'd hurry my feelings, plus they have a special bond) Luckily he had just left so I called him and he turned right around. They talked alone for about a half hour (it was very early in the morning) and then Tanner came down to talk to me. Little Big Man had told him he knew his mom had made bad choices and that was why she was in jail (he hasn't talked about anything yet so we didn't know what he knew and what he didn't, we were waiting until he was ready.) He was worried he'd never see her again and his precious heart was broken.

Tanner listened and cuddled him and then he explained that we don't know what all of the judges and lawyers would decide, it wasn't something any of us could control but what we did know was that we would love him and take care of him for as long as he needs us, whether that was until his mom was back on her feet or if it was longer than that. Either way, he was going to be loved, safe, and taken care of.

When Little Big Man came down stairs, Tanner offered to give him a blessing. The spirit was amazing, all three of us had tears in our eyes. He promised him that someday he'd see his mom again, although we didn't know when that would be. He also told him how special and loved he is by so many people and that Christ knows his pains and sorrows and could take that pain from him. It was a very beautiful blessing. After he was done, Little Big Man felt so much better. He jumped down and ran to get ready for school.

Before the blessing I felt awful, I was so sad that I had no idea what it would be like to go through what he has gone through, I couldn't relate to him and I felt lost on how to even begin to comfort him. I felt so inadequate and sick that there was nothing I could really do. That blessing tenderly reminded me that there is one who has been through it all, He knows each of us by name. Sometimes we have to go through terrible, yucky stuff, but He will always be there to see us through it. I don't have to know what it's like to be Little Big Man, Christ already does and He'll take care of him... And He'll teach me how to take care of him too.

I use to think anything other than adoption would be the worse case scenario, and I still know that for me, it would be completely heartbreaking. But, what I do know is that you don't not get kids as smart, loving, and incredible as these two kids are without a mom who loved them, cared for them and who honestly tired her best. Obviously, she didn't have it all right, but she sure didn't have it all wrong. It gives me a tiny bit of comfort that if she is able to get help and make some major changes, they could end up in a good situation with her. We are praying for our birth mom.

We would love to have these kids forever, but it's not about us, it's about what is best for them. I know that as we rely on Heavenly Father, and follow  His guidance, He will take care of these kids. After all, they are His children.

First Day of Church

Let me start off by saying, sorry about all of the typos in the first post! I was trying to post it from my phone but all four children LOVE playing on my phone, so I was trying to do it quickly and they were driving me to crazy-town! I think I pretty much fixed it though, now it might actually make sense!

 

Church was great. It was not only the kids' first day of our ward (Little Big Man said a lot of years ago he had a grandma take him, he knows a few primary songs and remembered what we do at church) but it was also Emerson's first day of nursery and my first day teaching Sunday School. Needless to say it was a little nuts. The key to a successful sacrament meeting is a properly packed diaper bag... I'm not sure mine was packed correctly! I made a rookie mistake of bringing different types of fruit snacks (ran out of the first box) and only one box of crayons. But, in spite of it all, we made it! In fact, they all did really well. Primary was also great! Emerson walked straight into nursery and didn't even look back. The only time she cried is when she had to leave which was pretty hilarious! Tate on the other hand has been going to sunbeams for weeks but when he couldn't go to class with his new sister Essa, we couldn't get him to go to primary anymore! So surprisingly enough, he was the hard one! My Sunday School class wasn't exactly roses either. I have the 12 and 13 year olds and there was a stake visitor because it's ward conference next week so they came to preview our class. What a week for that! As you can probably imagine, I haven't exactly prepared the way I would've liked to! So he was gentle with his 'critique' but there is still a lot of work to do to improve! (Do you have any teaching suggestions?! It was tough to engage the kids, they're supposed to kind of 'teach themselves' but that's easier said than done if you have a group of kids  who won't talk)

All in all we survived!

 

Anyway...

I think I'm learning more and more everyday with two more kids in my house...

First of all, I am learning that I am EXHAUSTED! How do you all do it?! Goodness, two kids was a total cake walk, I should have enjoyed it while it lasted! But I wouldn't change it for the world.

 

Second of all, I think we are definitely TOO HARD on ourselves when it comes to parenting. These kids have had some tough things in their life, but they are amazing kids in spite of it all. They love their birth mom, even though she couldn't give them everything they needed. And she was trying her very best because you don't get kids like this without a mom who was really trying to do her best for them. Sometimes we feel like kids need to be in every sport and to have every toy and that there is no way we are good enough, or that we are good parents. That just isn't the case. The truth is, most of us are great parents. Our kids just need us there loving them, and meeting their physical, spiritual and emotional needs. The rest falls into place.

 

Thank you all for your support! Tomorrow is Little Big Man's first day of school and he's really nervous that he won't make friends and that the other kids will make fun of him, remember him in your prayers for us! He's way too cool to be made fun of!

 

 

 

 

BEST VALENTINES DAY EVER!!

So I really don't know where so start. As you know last August we started the process to do foster care adoption. We have done interviews, classes, home studies, house repairs and more all in hopes of receiving a placement. We have been scouring the internet looking for children who needed a home and never heard anything back....We started to feel like it would be a very long time, until Monday...

 

We were going about our normal day when we saw we had a missed call. Upon further investigation (lol) we found out that it was from a Utah caseworker who wanted to see if we would take two kids; an 8 year old boy and 4 year old girl. We were surprised and nervous all in one. We made the decision a matter of prayer, after all that is how we got into this deal in the first place right?! Our hearts were full and our eyes brimmed with tears when we decided that absolutely YES we would take them!

 

So the adventure began. They asked us to pick them up Tuesday at 11am after court when they would call us. We went straight out to buy the proper booster seats and get their beds completely ready. When Tuesday came we eagerly awaited the phone call to come, but it never came. The court hearing that had been scheduled to put the kids in our care was cancelled. So we kept waiting...Wednesday was the BIG DAY! We were told to pick them up at the office at 4:30 pm. We decided that since they were not legally free (able to be adopted right away) that we would approach the situation as an opportunity to love and serve these kids for how ever long they needed us...We thought this would help us keep from getting too attached. We got Tate and Emerson and walked into the front room. There they were. I wanted to grab them and never let them go. They were so sweet, so perfect, so precious. They were all of the sudden MINE and I didn't want to let them out of my sight. Never in my life have I experienced such instant love. Even when I had Tate and Emerson my love grew and grew as they grew inside me. And by the time they were born I loved them more than words. The love I have with these kiddos was that all in one instant. Incredible.

 

They were quiet at first but it didn't take long until they were talking our ears off! We took them to get dinner and then on the biggest shopping spree I've ever been on! They only had the clothes on their backs at the time. As they picked things out, their eyes lit up and their personalities blossomed. It was amazing to see it unfold. The whole drive home they kept asking where we lived. When we said in a house they couldn't believe we had an actual house and that we had stayed in one place for two years. When they came inside they were like kids on Christmas morning. They wanted to see everything. They had never seen a house like it. Little big man (using nick-names to protect identities) said "wow I've never seen a house like this! I love your house!" I said "this is your house too." Tears filled his tiny eyes and he said, REALLY?! They thanked us for their beds, they had never had their own. To think I was complaining about not having my basement done the day before. They teach me so much. We had family prayer, all six of us. We blessed each child by name. Little Big Man was crying and have us huge hugs and just kept saying thank you. They slept like little darling rocks.

 

Two days in, they call us mom and dad and we love them more than words! So much for taking it a day at a time. But they deserve our full love whether they are here for a day or forever. They think they will be legal risk additive placements which means they expect well be able to adopt them but we won't know for sure until the end of February.....actually probably a lot longer than that...court stuff takes forever. These precious kids have changed me forever.

 

Special quotes:

Little Big Man (he's tiny sane size as his sister)
"I want to be called "(his name) the Ricks"
 

Essa
"I've never had a momma that taught me how to wash my hair and body! I love you!"

 

I'm so blessed.