I Phone Day

In case you haven't noticed from past posts, life has been crazing me up lately. I kid you not, it has felt like as one storm passes another one follows in it's wake.  After awhile I kind of just decided to keep my windows borded up. Joke's on life; if I already was expecting crazy, it couldn't sneak up on me anymore.... Can I let you in on something?

That's really no way to live.

I was getting real grumpy real quick. Actually, I don't think I was ever getting un-grumpy, toward my kids at least. I was waking up expecting small people to disobey, talk back and frankly, just plain act nuts. Out the gate I was like, "stop whining" this and "listen to me" that and  "I KNOW YOU WANT CEREAL!! YOU'VE SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES EVERY MORNING FOR THE PAST 80 DAYS!" Every morning.

Here's the deal. I was kind of living with blinders on. I was robbing myself of the ability and opportunity to zoom out and see the bigger picture. All I was seeing was the ear piercing whistling which is almost constant,  (one of my people's nervous habit that could kill a man) and the immediate back sass to pretty much every word I spoke. Then I'd just get so frustrated in that moment, that the day became very long and very overwhelming REAL quick.

I was starting to wonder if I could live this reality for a long time, ya know that forever thing...and it was clear to me that I couldn't. I couldn't live frustrated like that forever. I started thinking foster care, adoption, none of it was going to work out. After all, that was the problem, right?

Until I got a phone call.

I got a call that made me realize I had to figure things out and fast. For various reasons, visits with mom are no longer and the possibility of adoption could come around the corner far more quickly than we'd expected. And I knew I needed to find a solution to the doom and glume. And we all know that to find a solution you first have to find the problem.... turns out that problem was not the kids or anyone else. It was ME and my blinders I had on. I was so focused on the moment I had lost all hope of being patient. I decided to take the blinders off and start again, so I offered myself this challenge...

THE CHALLENGE: spend the next few days looking for and ONLY voicing the positive.

Problem with this is, I had to come clean and do some apologizing. As if apologizing isn't bad enough, I had

to apologize to a nine year old.

Give that a spin sometime and try to tell me it isn't humbling. ESPECIALLY when said nine year old has been pushing your authority.

So, when Little Big Man came home from school that day I sat him down and said "I need to apologize to you. I haven't been patient lately and I've been really grumpy. I've been having a lot of I Phone days lately and I'm sorry. I love you and want you to know that and when I'm grumpy it's hard to feel loved."

A few posts ago, I mentioned Little Big Man came up with a code word for bad days so he could tell us he was having a bad day without coming out and saying it, that word is I Phone.

He grabbed me up in a big hug and started LAUGHING! Then he said "you're silly mom, of course I know you love me! We all have I Phone days!"

We made a deal that as I try to be less grumpy, he'll try to be more obedient.

I'm thankful things are turning around, we all are having fewer I Phone days. And I hope to always remember that when those I Phone days roll around, that I should not let them take over my life.

After all, we all have I Phone days every now and then.

Taking our "brand new" $6 DI bikes for their first spin around the block. It was my three and four year olds' first bike ride and it took a half hour to go around the block! Ahhh... my kind of family home evening!

Birth Moms

So it's been a few days since I've posted mostly because I don't what to say anymore. It's seems like a lot of same thing different day lately.

But, it was Mother's Day so I do think some things need to be said on behalf of all that...

Mother's Day around here was a little nuts. In the morning my family came over before church to Skype my brother who is currently on a LDS mission in Sweden. So we had to be ready earlier than usual which was a miracle in and of itself. Then, three hours of church followed by family dinner at our house with all kinds of grandma's and mom's to go around. We really did have a lot of fun but the day was extremely stressful, mostly because of Little Big Man.

I'm trying to find a way to put this delicately but the kid was acting all kinds of nuts. He was bouncing off the walls and being incredibly defiant with temper tantrums as the cherry on top. My patience bucket wasn't just empty by the end of the day, it was bone dry. That night when he FINALLY went into the bathroom to take his shower (I think we only asked about 15 times), he just plain broke down bawling because he missed his mom. Duh! Hello? Mother's Day!!

I felt pretty sad for him and darn stupid all at the same time! I should've seen these behaviors coming from a mile away, however in the moment when a nine year old is acting like he's three, it takes a lot of deep breaths. As we talked it through it and also explained to him that when he's sad he's got to stop and say he's sad, instead acting cra cra he started to calm down. We came up with a code word he could say on those days if it's too hard to come out and say it.

Mom's are pretty darn important whether they've got it all together or not. That's just the facts. One of my BBF's recently shared her story with me. I haven't seen her in years and was heartbroken to hear that her story aligned with our kiddos far too closely. As she shared her heart with me, I couldn't help but feel sick for her. I wanted to fix it and make it all better for her and her babies. I pray daily for her and her success, hoping that she'll be victorious in her fight and her ending won't be like our birth mom's.

Yesterday we had a team meeting for the kids. I can't say what we talked about, but I can say hearing a mom sob and sob for an hour over the phone is heartbreaking. (Sorry, don't have a wide enough vocabulary for another word to use so I'll say it A LOT, heartbreaking!) I'm no rocket scientist when I say moms have a special bond with their kids, but I think it's sometimes easy to forget that even the struggling moms have that bond as well.

There are tons of times that I'm frustrated with the process, and frankly with mom,  but yesterday reminded me that everyone has a story and a past. Whether we think we have someone figured out, there is always something we don't know.

So, my goal going forward is to be a little less judgy of mom, a little more compassionate, and a lot more humble. There's not one person this process is easy for, but my attitude could make all the difference.

Sad Either Way

Another Wednesday, another cancelled visit.  No surprise, it fit right in with our "every other week" system.... it's sad that the kids are starting to realize that visits are getting spread thin and they're starting to question where they'll land in all of this....

I always knew that if the time came that we would become the adoptive parents of these kiddos, there would be a time that they would have to say good bye to people they love. I knew that'd be tough, I knew that there would be a lot to help them work through if that day came.  I also knew that if they went back home that it'd be tough for us and our kids to say good bye to two tiny people who have begun to play a HUGE role in our lives....

I learned today yet ANOTHER thing I didn't know....

Little Big Man came and laid by me on the bed (we've all been sick, it's my turn now, just in time for Tanner's three day drill weekend! I'm the one in a war zone, DO NOT COME OVER, we should be quarantined....) anyway, he told me that last night he had a dream that he went back to his mom and he had to say good bye to us forever.

I said, "well that had to be an awesome dream, you've always wanted to be back with your mom!"

He disagreed. "No, I cried and cried and cried. I would miss you guys so much. You're my family. My only family. I love having so many people and family around me all of the time." (And to think, I'd like a day here or there with A LOT less people around, I don't know what quiet sounds like anymore)

So I asked him what would be more sad,  to stay here and be adopted or to go home to mom.

He thought for a long time and got a sad look on his face.  "Both things would make me so sad. Both things would be SO good and SO sad. No matter what happens to me, I'll be sad."

How do you hold back tears?! Today was the first day I realized that these kids have a sad ending and new beginning coming their way no matter what happens. How unfair is that?! All these grown ups get to make all kinds of decisions, and they get to be sad at the end. I seriously thought if they went home they'd be thrilled and not really look back. No joke.  It didn't really occur to me that they'd care about leaving us because they'd be so happy to be with mom.

In fact, his solution was to finish our basement and let him live with his sister and mom down there. Try explaining why that won't work. In a nine year old's mind, it's the picture prefect scenario.

But, with the sad comes the happy! Everything has it's opposites, I think that is a tender mercy that we're blessed with. In almost every situation we're in, we can look for the sad, but we can also choose to see the good. It makes the sad easier to take.

The past couple weeks I've been wallowing in my own pity.  This life is no joke! (For any of us! But I think I was choosing to forget that a tiny bit) I haven't been feeling healthy (or like myself...physically...thank goodness I haven't lost my marbles! Can you imagine?!) for a long time, and the emotional stress as well as the unknown has been taking it's toll. I've had to mourn the loss of the far more simple life I use to have (and clean house) and accept that I'm no super woman! And get use to this reality and accept that it could change again at any time.

Perhaps this conversation was the slap in the face Heavenly Father knew I needed.  Sometime, this life of limbo will end and a decision will be made. Either way, I still get to keep two of my awesome babies, my extended family and most importantly,  my amazing husband "best friend love of my life" guy. (He is the only reason I've got Any kind of hope to keep going. Seriously an incredibly strong man!) No matter what I'll be ok.  I know their mom loves them and if she's able to get them back, they'll be OK. They have Heavenly angels, I know that, I've seen too much evidence of it to believe otherwise. So, stay or go,  I'll make it.

THEY have much more to fear... to  loose. So I need to pull it together, get over it and help them gain the testimonies and tools to face life.

We can't protect our kids from the ugly that comes up in our lives. We can teach them who they can rely on, how to overcome hard things, and that they are Heavenly,  Sacred, individuals and children of God. No child is sent to earth without Him and without the light of Christ or without a DIVINE plan. The BEST thing we can do for our kids is teach them that, help them internalize that.

I would be lost without loving parents who taught me that. Thank you.

The Grim Reaper

So much yet so little has happened since most recent post...

Last week, mom missed her second visit and it looks like we're starting to establish an every other week pattern. Along with the obvious problems that come from that like not knowing what to expect from week to week,  comes some additional issues along the way.

As some of you may know, Essa had buzzed short hair when she came.  She said it was because she would cry when her hair is brushed and she got in trouble and got it shaved. Little Big Man's version was that she would pull her hair out so her mom kept it very short.  Well,  that story is starting to look more and more accurate. 

Since mom has began missing visits and Essa's hair had grown,  She is once again pulling it out in chunks. This poor little girl, not even old enough for kindergarten has experienced so much trauma and stress she had developed this method of dealing with it.  We are trying to keep her busy and offer reminders to her to not pull her hair (she mostly does it when her hands are not occupied) but it's going to take so much more than that to help her overcome it. 

I hope we can find her the help she needs before it develops into full blown Trichotillomania, a hair pulling disease that often comes from stress or lack of control.  We're looking into beginning counseling services for her but it's difficult because that does not change her reality. It feels like we're just playing a long waiting game to guess and see what her fate will be.  I have no idea how terrible it must be to feel like you have no control over the things that happen in your life,  childhood might not be as great as we all like to think; always waiting for someone else to make the decisions. At least when you're an adult, you decide where to live, when to eat, who will be in your life and who will not.  Sometimes it's easy to play the martyr and act like life is a ride that we sit back and enjoy but the truth is,  We decide a lot,  We get that privilege.  Kids don't.

In fact,  missing every other visit is making the visits she does come to as difficult as the ones that are missed.  The reason for this is that before when mom came on a regular basis,  good bye wasn't that hard.  They knew that the week would fly by and they'd get to see her again.  Now however,  it's tears the whole ride home because their little minds can't help but wonder if this is good bye for a long time. Based on their past,  it could be goodbye for months.  And honestly,  I can't make any promises,  she's so unpredictable at this point it could easily be actual months until they saw her again.

I use to say she couldn't find a ride or stories like that but I've began to realize that they deserve the truth (age appropriate truth) this is their lives and their mom.  So the truth is,  She doesn't call the caseworker,  or doesn't come,  no one knows why,  we just know that is what is happening.

So... the Grim Reaper.... at the most recent visit, mom brought another gift (although it's not approved) and guess what it was this time?! A grim reaper necklace. She's kneeling down praying with them at one moment and the next minute handing him a "gorgeous" Grim Reaper necklace. At first I thought (our really hoped more than anything) it could be a cultural symbol that I had never seen before so I decided to google it and double check. Unfortunately all I could find was what I already knew, the Grim Reaper represents evil and also is a popular gang symbol.

This is obviously something that can't be worn around the house and especially can't be worn to school. So we've had to explain that to him and provide him a safe place to store it because it's important to him. It's very difficult to explain to a nine-year-old that although it's from his mom it can't be worn and it's inappropriate around other children. We explained it very gently and showed him where to keep it,  but he threw a fit (said fits are becoming more and more frequent and all the more difficult to have patience for) and said he'd just give it back to her.  Once again,  We're in a rock and a hard place because we don't need extra Momma Drama! We just told him he can keep it,  but cannot wear it and hope it blows over,  not sure what else to do.

On the day to day,  temper tantrums and crying fits are increasing which is causing more difficulty.  In some ways, I think it'd be easier if they had thrown fits right out the gate but going on three months and they begin to emerge is hard.  It's hard to know how they can behave and have to endure atotally different set of behaviors.  They're good kids but it does wear on your after awhile.  Not to mention,  We have to provide for their every need,  work through the fits and all of the stuff in between (appointments, homework, hair pulling,  etc.) but rarely get to make any of the big decisions. I guess that's life of foster care and people can tell you that everyday but until you actually experience it you have no if of what it exactly entails.

For now,  We're just waiting for the next court date and trying to keep things fun and more importantly predictable and pray that the predictability and monotony will provide much of the comfort and strength they need to over come.

Enslaved by a Drug Addict

Oh the fun of visitations will never be lost on me...

Because mom missed a visit recently, it is required that she contacts the caseworker the morning of the visit to confirm the appointment in an effort to save us the hour long drive. This morning, attempts were made to contact her and after awhile, the visit was cancelled. Then, she was all of the sudden able to call back and I had to rush to get ready and load up all four kids to take the trek out to the DCFS office. (Had to wake the baby up too by the way.)

I dropped the kids off with the caseworker, as usual, and I took my homegrown kids (that's how they termed it at our foster class, not my word! :) ) to run some errands while we waited like normal. When I picked them up, they came rushing out to the car with their arms over flowing with expensive, elaborate gifts. (Not the first time)

Of course, our home grown kids were eager to see the gifts and wanted in on their spoils. But these gifts aren't just gifts, they're "mom gifts" and are officially deemed sacred and off limits in the kids' eyes. Of course this is how they feel, no surprise. The problem is that these expensive things start to become more important than human beings and their feelings and that is NOT OK! I have a very strong belief that if you have an item that makes you say or do things that are unkind in an effort to protect that item, then it needs to leave or your attitude towards it needs to change. I believe this is true whether you're 1 or 101. This is why I don't buy expensive furniture or clothes for my kids, I don't want to feel that way about my things toward my kids. (That doesn't mean I don't teach them to respect things we work hard for, they don't get to be small crazies, I just know things happen when you have four kids and don't want to put them or myself in that situation.) So now, I have to find a way to respect them and the crap their mom gave them, because it is important to them, stuff and gifts have literally been the only constant in their lives, while also teaching them how to be kind while loving those things. I don't know how to do that exactly. (And try grounding a foster kids from a toy birth mom gave them when they misbehave, it's ugly.) So it's just another part of the job I guess, it just adds another layer of complication to it all.

This weekend, Little Big Man mentioned a family member who he was close with before and misses. This family member has been contacted but shows no interest in taking care of them right now. That brought me to a lot of prayer and reflection; I couldn't understand how someone who loved and cared for a child (children in this case) could give up all of it so easily and let strangers take over their care, not knowing where they are or what they're doing. The answer to that became VERY clear to me this morning, it's like a light switch came on...

They are tired of being a slave to a drug addict.

During the time Little Big Man and Essa was with this family member, mom was on drugs. I'm getting a glimpse on how hard it must have been. You feel like you have to do and say all of the right things to not upset them while you're taking care of their kids so they don't get ripped out from under you. After all, they still aren't your kids. Then mom swoops in for the fun stuff...when it works for her....and is constantly needing something, rarely contributing anything useful...family members get worn out, they can't do it anymore. So now the kids are in care and...

Now, I sometimes feel like I'm a slave to a drug addict.

I have to bring her kids to her when she's good and ready to respond that she'll be there. (I don't mind visits when they are scheduled and kept as normal, I signed up for that part.) I have to deal with the fancy stuff she gives and does with her kids when she does see them...if I don't play house right when Essa wants she says "every time I see my mommy she plays house." I remind her I have lots of other chores I do for her which is why I don't get to play at a drop of a hat...we have to wait for her to do the things listed in her case plan to get her kids back, and wait for the second and third chances...and help the kids with through the emotional heart ache it all causes, the pants wetting, and acting out....after awhile foster parents start to get worn out too.

And ultimately the kids are slaves to a drug addict.

They have to live in limbo missing the people they love most. The family members can find relief and break free and sort of give up, the foster parents have a legal system that does it's best to protect (it's not perfect, but it does help). But with all of the love and counseling, the kids are still left with confusion and hurt; missing the parents they love and who loves them. The parents are barely making it too, they had the only people they cared most about torn from them when they were doing their personal best to raise and care for them. Their bodies yearn for substances and behaviors that often take them further and further from their kids and deeper and deeper into heartache and the drugs they use to medicate it all.

And the parents are slaves to the Drug.

Drugs and addiction cause so much pain and hurting. I wish I could take that addiction away from this birth mom. She REALLY loves her kids, they all deserve so much better. There's a reason we're all here, there is something we all need to learn, I just hope we can take drugs out of the picture as soon as possible.

Drugs suck.

General Conference

We LOVE CONFERENCE!! We're eight minutes in and it is so cute! Wish us luck for the next 7 hours 52 minutes! I feel blessed to have a living prophet and leaders to teach and inspire us and provide guidance for today!

www.lds.org has all of the updates and streaming from this conference! If you missed it, you're missing out!