Well it's the hottest time of year so it makes prefect sense that our air conditioner is once again broken, good gracious thing after the other...
So, we're cooling down at "Grandma Charlie's" with some ac and celebrating some Christmas in July! We forgot to decorate our gingerbread men in December so why not do it now?!
Five months ago, almost to the day, we brought home two kids who had gone through a lot and had experienced a gamut of emotions. The very first night we brought them home, we knelt in family prayer up in the boys' bedroom. We prayed for each child by name and asked for blessings to meet their specific needs. They were of course restless and didn't understand what we were doing but they were pleased to go along with it.
Since then, we have....
Prayed together before bed 153 times.
Gone to church 20 times
Made 10 loaves of bread and about 20 dozen cookies.
Did 240 loads of laundry
Watched 8 hours of LDS General Conference
Taken 330 pictures
Gone on 10 walks
Gone to 5 movies
Had 15 picnics
Given 450 baths
Read the same books 100's of times (yippie! If you'd like to know what Patrick keeps in his backpack, I'm the gal to ask)
Swam in the front yard 12 times, a real pool 2 times
Went to the zoo and aquarium 1 time
Went to the park 25 times
Went to time out countless times
Played 20 hours of Super Nintendo, Mario Brothers (curse you castle #3)
Drove 1500 miles added up
Went to 2 team meetings
Attended 1 court hearing (skipped 3)
Wrote 2 letters to mom in jail
9 family visits
Painted 20 fingernails 6 times
5 visits from caseworkers
Celebrated 7 birthdays and 3 holidays
Watched a billion youtube videos
Agonized over 40 pages of homework
Went to 22 playgroup meetings
Wrote 9 journal entries per kid
Offered 2 father's blessings
Had 2 going away parties, one with friends, one with family
Laughed everyday, cried every night, hugged more than ever and was humbled beyond words.
Last night, we gathered in a circle for prayer together for the last time as this group of six. This time, they all four knew how to pray and each of them begged to be the one to offer our final prayer together. This time, the children prayed for each person by name, thanked the Lord for their blessings, and asked for their needs. What a whirl wind the past five months have been...
I'll never be the same.
Today we took them to their new home with their wonderful family. Little Big Man sobbed as he said goodbye and Essa was eager to be with her cousins. Tate and Emerson cried as they gave them hugs goodbye and that was it. We drove away in a very quiet van.
We messed up a lot in this process, I rarely, if ever, had the right answers to the problem. I honestly, saw a side to myself at times that I wasn't proud of. But I really feel like this was an experience our family needed to grow and become better. After all, that's what life is about!
Going forward? We don't know. . . Right now I'm sitting in a quiet house for the first time in five months, so we'll figure that out tomorrow-ish!
. . .But you'll be the first to know. . .
I hope you all had a fantastic time celebrating our nation's freedom!! I felt overwhelmed with gratitude this year for all that we are blessed with here in this great country and state. It's sometimes so easy to get complacent and frustrated with your landscaper (long story), and overlook all that we're really blessed with and take for granted. Sometimes I don't feel worthy of being so blessed! There's no way I've earned it, but I sure am thankful!
This weekend for us had it's ups and downs to say the least. . .
It started with a week that put us through the ringer of one thing after the other just not going a as planned at all. Then Wednesday afternoon Tanner came home sick with food poisoning from a meatball sub he had at work. (He is now swearing off of beef, I'll let you know how long it lasts.) So, he was busy doing what ya do when you have food poisoning while I got the fosters ready to go on a weekend visit with the family members they'll be moving in with next week, as well as getting our stuff ready to go to Idaho Falls. We definitely needed to get out of town for awhile!
Friday morning, Tanner felt well enough to embark on the journey so we loaded up and headed north, dropping the kids off with the family along the way. By the time we got to Idaho, Tanner was back to being under the weather but Tate and Emerson were ready to see the sights. So he stayed at his grandparents house while I went with my parents and sisters in laws to walk around the falls and check out all of the vendors with the kids. (I kept checking over my shoulder for a nine year old who had wandered off, it was nice to have kids who stayed close by!) That evening, we had a BBQ with the Ricks family and then walked over to the firework festivities that evening.
Tate and Emerson had a blast and weren't even scared or too tired even through it was like five hours after their bedtime! They were tiny troopers! When we got back to the house, Tate climbed in our van and said "ok get "little big man" and Essa!" Other than that, they didn't mention missing them hardly at all which is hopefully a good sign.
The next day, we packed up and headed home. Sunday we went to church and all of that good stuff and picked the kids up at 7:30 that night. They came out with brand new, name brand clothes and didn't want anything to do with us anymore. They told us about their 10pm bedtime and how they're too busy to go to church anymore. I must say I expected a wide variety of emotions in this process of transition but, I didn't expect to have my feelings hurt. I felt like our clothes weren't good enough, our house isn't good enough and we're not good enough. (let's be honest, it's an embarrassing way to feel, normal people would be only happy that they're happy) I begged in the meeting to let them just move in during the first overnight visit but no one agreed to it. Now this last week is extra. . . complicated. They don't want to be here anymore and have made it clear they won't miss us. I just want to rip the band aid off for us and Tate and Emerson instead of prolonging it and keeping kids who want to be else where here. There's nothing fun about the foster care process. I've never worked so hard and felt so unappreciated by so many different people at once EVER. (DCFS, their family, the kids, etc.)
So, let me give a little shout out to those of you who feel people just do foster care for the money. . .
(Tanner had a co worker say, "now that the kids are leaving, how do you plan to pay your mortgage?" So lucky you get to read my wrath)
First of all, I did the math we make about $0.25/hour with this gold mine so many apparently think we've hit, that's not taking out what portion we've spent on the kids themselves.
So, when you add up the sleepless nights, over 2000 miles put onto the car, the temper tantrums, the throwing, yelling, pants wetting, hair pulling, disrespecting, spitting, hitting, running away from home, etc. I really don't feel like I've struck it rich in the financial department.
So if ever the words "some people just do it for the money" have spilled out of your head, please eat them. I'm not judging, I said it once I'm sure, just take this moment to be enlightened.
Tah, dah! I'm off my soap box. Thanks for putting up with it!!
As our short five months with these kiddos comes to a close, I've been asking myself a lot of questions. . .
Did I love enough, do enough, teach them enough? Most importantly though, did I teach them how important they are to their Heavenly Father, that He loves them, that they're HIS children. As they go into the world and live with family members that don't practice any religion I wonder, have I really taught them to pray, to really reach out to Heavenly Father for love and support...
Last Sunday we were sitting in sacrament meeting and it was time for the sacrament hymn, which is always about the Savior's atonement, this week we sang "I Stand All Amazed" the chorus says
"Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me, oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me. " As we sang the chorus for the last time, like we have so many times before, Essa looked up at me, tears streaming down her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said in the softest most tender voice I've heard her use: "Jesus aren't dead. Are he?" I grabbed her precious frame into a big hug, dried her tears and whispered to her...
"No Essa! Jesus is not dead! He lives! He died for us and three days later he came back and He lived again and He lives now, forever. He is watching over you everyday. "
She smiled and her eyes, still full of tears lit up as she exclaimed: "I knew it! I just knew it! I knew Jesus was always with me, I could tell, I could feel it."
She has often stopped in her busy four- year- old schedule, to turn to me and say "Jesus is watching me right now."
So maybe I haven't taught them everything I wanted to, maybe I missed the mark A LOT! (actually not maybe, I have.) But Christ is making up the difference. I'm not sending them out alone with no guidance or direction. They're leaving with the light of Christ that each of us are born with because we are Heavenly Father's children, and they're leaving with the ability and more importantly, the desire to draw upon it.
As times get tough, they do and they will (this week has been horrendous here) I hope we can all have the faith and testimony of tiny Essa to KNOW that our Savior is there for us, to feel Him and to love Him like she does.
We went into foster care to help save someone else, but I know I have gained more than I've given. I've been far from prefect in this process, I've gotten frustrated, lost my temper and had to apologize A LOT, but I am thankful for the experience so far and I wouldn't change it for the world.
And I, like Essa, feel so thankful to say: "I knew it! I just knew it! I knew Jesus was always with me, I could tell, I could feel it."
Follow this link to listen to
"I Stand All Amazed"
https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/i-stand-all-amazed?lang=eng
After two freakishly long weeks, Tanner finally got home from his National Guard Annual Training on Friday evening! I SO appreciate those who serve over seas for months and years at a time. It's incredible to me that they're able and willing to sacrifice that for all of us! It certainly makes our two weeks feel like a drop in an ocean in comparison! (and also makes me want to convince him NOT to re enlist when his contract ends next June, get out while we're ahead I guess!)
When he got home and we had some time without our small people with big ears, we of course discussed the upcoming transition for the kids. (By the way, this is exactly why he is the right husband for me, he's got me figured out!) As we talked about them leaving, and all of the different emotions associated with that, he said 'why not be excited?' At first I laughed especially because that day had been particularly hectic and the thought of 50% less work and responsibility, and noise, and mess, and head ache, etc. sounded like something I could wrap my mind around. Then I realized he was serious.
As he started to explain himself, I began to catch on to his point.
Little Big Man has been difficult basically since day one. However, his behaviors and habits are getting to the point that it will not be long until his needs extend beyond the scope of what our parenting skills can handle. That's just the truth of the matter.
I have tried not to burden all of you with the extent of his behaviors. At the end of the day, he's a nine year old little boy who is terrified of what the future holds and has experienced more heartache than kids should ever have to experience. However, in my husband's words 'he has hijacked our home'. All three younger kids cry or shrink in their seats when he comes up to them and from day to day we don't know what to expect. In fact, as I write this on my phone, he is kicking and screaming on the floor because he just physically attacked his sister and doesn't want his punishment, no electronics for the rest of the day. Doing things like writing this blog, singing church hymns, going outside and letting him stay inside and freak out and calling my mom and husband to talk to me about light hearted things in the moment is keeping me sane. I've become a master "ingoreer". But even the most highly skilled ignorers have a hard time being called child abusers for simply taking away a laptop from a child who is hitting, screaming and kicking. Things like spray painting my in laws personal possessions, including the dog are becoming too much for us to handle.
When we take this into consideration and realize that he'll be able to receive more help and therapy while with family, we realize this transition will be best for him, and probably for Tate and Emerson so,
why not be excited?
Essa is a sweetheart through and through. We absolutely enjoy her. She has had a lot of hard things, but nothing we couldn't help her with and certainly nothing that caused potential harm to the other family members. However, the past couple days she has begun crying for her cousins and grandma. She wants to be connected with them and she'll do well living with people she loves so....
'Why not be excited?'
So, were choosing to be excited because we feel like this will be best for all four kids. We of course are going to miss them, we love them and they have been a big part of our lives. We are nervous for their future and PRAY that their family will get the help they need to be a successful forever placement. Our greatest fear for them is that these behaviors will take over their home as well and that these two amazing kids will end up back in the system. We don't believe we will be able to be a back up plan for Little Big Man should this happen. (Essa is no problem) I so desperately want to be able to be that for him, but I don't believe I'll be able to out of concern for Tate and Emerson. But, as I've said from day one; they are not MY kids, they're not birth mom's kids, they are not the state's kids. They are our Heavenly Father's divine children. He's watching them, guiding them and protecting them. He will not leave them. I know that He will direct their ways. As much as I feel extreme guilt that I don't believe I could be the solution, I do believe that there was a reason our paths crossed. I know that Heavenly Father is also watching out for me and my family. I know it'll work out and there is a plan for each of us.
I'm thankful that I can rely on Him to guide and comfort me, all of us, through such an increasingly strenuous circumstance.