FINALLY

Three full weeks of complaining, tears, whining, and the longest days of our summer lives and FINALLY we are done!

You may recall that Little Big Man had been hiding a pretty hefty stack of paperwork from the school year from me and he earned himself the privledge to finish that stack. The deal was that I would take away his Nintendo DS until the stack was gone and he could not play or watch TV in the mornings until he had finished his five page quota for the day.

This deal started three weeks ago and it hasn't been pretty. There were times I wanted to give up and let him win but we white knuckled through and three weeks to the day later, the stack is DONE. He sat in the car for two hours during playgroup because he refused to finish his five pages, he watched his siblings play on a splash pad because he didn't feel like doing his subtraction but it still got done.

I must say I felt bad at times, but I'd do it again if I had to. He has learned a lot, first from the actual assignments and the lessons in them and second from the "fun" life lesson. Hopefully he'll realize that its easier to do things the first time around and that whether you want to or not, there are things in life that have to get done before you can play.

I feel like we're living in a world with way to much play first, work later. That's, in my opinion, why there is so much debt and heartache. Everything worth anything is going to require hard work. Maybe he'll learn that, maybe not. The point is,

MOM WON!!! WOOT WOOT!!! It almost killed me but here we are!

...On second thought, maybe Little Big Man won because I have NOT missed the drama of that stupid Nintendo DS....

So Close, Yet So Far

We're one week in to our annual two week military training that Tanner is required to go to every year. The crazy part is that this year he is in Dugway, about an hour from home, and he doesn't get to come home at all to visit! So close, yet so far.

At the beginning of the week, I was starting to think that the house just might crumble down around us. (It was also the first week off of school which doesn't help matters!) Little Big Man had hid all of his school work from me throughout the year, I found it the last day of school and now I'm requiring he finishes it before he's able to get his Nintendo DS back. This scenario turned out to be the catalyst for crazy!

He lost his Mind one afternoon when he was told to do his work. He started throwing things, calling names and going bazurk! It was like a hurricane. I had to take the other kids outside and let him work it out. That was all coupled with him saying a lot of hurtful things. I think it was a combination of the father figure being gone, missing his mom and overall frustration. That didn't make the freak out easier though.

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and lost. I was thinking this was going to be the LONGEST summer of my life! These new behaviors being added to the old was just pure insanity to be honest.

Luckily, he started a play practice a few days later that he LOVED and made a lot of new friends at and that helped break up the days. Along with that, a book came in the mail. I had forgotten that I had ordered it two weeks earlier. It was my FAVORITE book in third grade so I thought Little Big Man would enjoy it too. When he first moved in, we use to read with him every night after we put the little kids to bed. The past month or so we had been sending him to bed to read himself to sleep. Honestly, as any parent knows, bedtime is the most important time of day so we were capitalizing on that! When the book came, I told him I'd read it with him before he went to bed. (Mostly because it's been do long since I've read it and I was "craving" it)

From that night on, his behavior has made a 180, he's been down right delightful. He's been helpful, kind and even done his homework without me having to bug him. Has been playing with the other kids and it was been amazing, I was starting to see that this could work out if I just made sure I was making the right effort.

It has become clear in the recent weeks they that they will not be going home to mom and we were seeing adoption in the future. It was exciting to think that the children I'd been caring for and loving as my own were really going to become my forever children.

I also knew that there was an aunt who had mentioned in passing that she would consider taking them after her wedding in July. But, I didn't think it was really going to pan out for a whole list of reasons.

Yesterday I got a text message that changed everything. The caseworker sent me a text that literally said 'looks like everything checked out with the aunt, what does your family need to make a smooth transition?'

So Close, yet so far.

Did I hear that right?! Two kids who have changed my life, who I have raised as my own who I was planning and hoping to adopt are leaving and all I got was a text message. Of course, I frantically texted back, asking for more details, like, oh I don't know, maybe the date they'll be leaving. After waiting for a half hour for a response, I got a text back but I still didn't get my questions answered. In fact, all I got was my heart ripped out.

My husband is gone, my kids are leaving and I'm exhausted. It's been awhile since I've felt so alone, so sad.

That evening, before we started to read, I decided I needed to tell Little Big Man. Although they'll probably be here for another 4-5 weeks, there are things that will be changing already. For example,  he will no longer be able to go to play practice because he won't be here for the performance. He deserves to know, it's his life.

So I got my most excited voice on and told him he gets to go live with his aunt!! Hip hip hooray! right?! Nope. Not close.  He lost it. I couldn't keep it together. Every other time he has cried, I've been able to be strong and cry later, alone. This time we both sat there, he was literally in my arms like a new born baby (he's the physical size of a three year old so this wasn't hard) and we just bawled. To be frank, his life kinda SUCKS. He doesn't get to decide anything, he's being tossed around like a rag doll. The least they could do is ask him what he wants and let him feel heard, even if that meant he still had to go with his aunt. At least he could feel like all these grown ups took five minutes to give a crap about how he felt.

Then we read. Every couple paragraphs he'd stop and ask me something like "will I ever see you again", "can we talk on the computer", "do you think I could come visit", all questions I couldn't answer because that'll be up to his aunt. I can't promise him anything. I can't fix anything. I went into foster care to help kids, I've only seen more hurt so far.

And my kids are going to be utterly heartbroken. They don't like it when the kids leave their sight, let alone their lives.

But there are some tender mercies:

The aunt seems super sweet and it is so brave of her to be willing to take on so much with all she has going on in her life.

They get to live near all of their family members.

I am losing two of my children, probably forever. But I get an advanced warning a lot of parents don't get; I have a month left with them. I can spend that month enjoying the moments and making the most of everyday. Definitely a reminder to live everyday, and seize every moment.

I think I had more but I forgot them... let me think....

Yeah, it has left me. Except for this...

I got to meet two of the most amazingly strong and incredible people who came in such tiny packages. They've taught me so much I can't even put it into words. I'll never be the same. This is the HARDEST thing I've ever done, but the more risk you take and the more you give, there's that much more to gain. That couldn't be more true in this case.

Thanks for your love, prayers and support. We'll need it as we prepare to say goodbye.

Mommy! I NEED Chocolate!

I've realized that I've written so much about our latest additions that I've failed to talk about my other kids for awhile....

Tate is getting so big and doing really well. He started speech therapy two years ago with a local therapist and after NO results, we called in the big guns and started driving into town twice a month to meet with a PHENOMENAL speech pathologist! He has been there over a year and his progress has been incredible. He's still tough to understand for a lot of people that don't know him but he is putting longer and longer sentences together and can speak well enough to play with other kids. When he started with his second therapist he could say only five words! It's been a long tough road to watch him work so hard for what so many kids can learn easily, but seeing that someday he'll get there has been worth it. I had so many sleepless nights praying for his success, he would cry and throw tantrums when other people couldn't understand him and there was a lot of times that were very tough. But, he's also lots of fun! He just got his first bike and he really enjoys the half hour it takes to go around the block! He LOVES his two new siblings and plays the best with Essa. They're partners in crime and enjoy building blocks and acting silly. He's still only three so the whining and tantrums could use some refining, but it's night and day from before! It's nice to see how far he's come! It creates so much excitement for the future!

Emerson is almost TWO! I don't know where all the time has gone! She is so fun and I'm really enjoying being her momma right now! She's the first child I've had in my home that has learned how to talk on her own! She is such a chatter box! She comes up with new cute things to say everyday. She is petite and gentle and a wonderful mom to her baby dollies. She feeds them and gives them naps, watch out when they're asleep because she'll yell at you and tell you to SHHH if you even think about talking!  She's a daddy's girl when it works for her (he spoils her) and a momma's girl when that's more convenient.... basically what I'm saying is, she's SMART! Which also can be naughty! The other day Tanner and I were in our room and she was in the hall,  She started yelling mom! Momma! Mommy! Tanner Said,  looks like it's your turn! (She has to say your name three or four times even if you answer right away, it's her thing!) I kept saying what?! Then she said: I need daddy! It was wonderful to not be needed for once! But, she had already learned that "need" is the word to use instead of want... When I went in her room to get her up from her nap I walked in and she said,  "Mommy,  I NEED chocolate." I don't have a single clue where she picks these things up! Overall, she enjoys being the baby of the family and having everyone pamper to her every whim, I think I have a mini teenager on my hands but I wouldn't change it for the world!

So,  the younger half of my smalls are doing well! They are growing and learning like tiny sponges and picking up all the older kids will show them,  thank goodness they don't teach naughty stuff... mostly!

I Phone Day

In case you haven't noticed from past posts, life has been crazing me up lately. I kid you not, it has felt like as one storm passes another one follows in it's wake.  After awhile I kind of just decided to keep my windows borded up. Joke's on life; if I already was expecting crazy, it couldn't sneak up on me anymore.... Can I let you in on something?

That's really no way to live.

I was getting real grumpy real quick. Actually, I don't think I was ever getting un-grumpy, toward my kids at least. I was waking up expecting small people to disobey, talk back and frankly, just plain act nuts. Out the gate I was like, "stop whining" this and "listen to me" that and  "I KNOW YOU WANT CEREAL!! YOU'VE SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES EVERY MORNING FOR THE PAST 80 DAYS!" Every morning.

Here's the deal. I was kind of living with blinders on. I was robbing myself of the ability and opportunity to zoom out and see the bigger picture. All I was seeing was the ear piercing whistling which is almost constant,  (one of my people's nervous habit that could kill a man) and the immediate back sass to pretty much every word I spoke. Then I'd just get so frustrated in that moment, that the day became very long and very overwhelming REAL quick.

I was starting to wonder if I could live this reality for a long time, ya know that forever thing...and it was clear to me that I couldn't. I couldn't live frustrated like that forever. I started thinking foster care, adoption, none of it was going to work out. After all, that was the problem, right?

Until I got a phone call.

I got a call that made me realize I had to figure things out and fast. For various reasons, visits with mom are no longer and the possibility of adoption could come around the corner far more quickly than we'd expected. And I knew I needed to find a solution to the doom and glume. And we all know that to find a solution you first have to find the problem.... turns out that problem was not the kids or anyone else. It was ME and my blinders I had on. I was so focused on the moment I had lost all hope of being patient. I decided to take the blinders off and start again, so I offered myself this challenge...

THE CHALLENGE: spend the next few days looking for and ONLY voicing the positive.

Problem with this is, I had to come clean and do some apologizing. As if apologizing isn't bad enough, I had

to apologize to a nine year old.

Give that a spin sometime and try to tell me it isn't humbling. ESPECIALLY when said nine year old has been pushing your authority.

So, when Little Big Man came home from school that day I sat him down and said "I need to apologize to you. I haven't been patient lately and I've been really grumpy. I've been having a lot of I Phone days lately and I'm sorry. I love you and want you to know that and when I'm grumpy it's hard to feel loved."

A few posts ago, I mentioned Little Big Man came up with a code word for bad days so he could tell us he was having a bad day without coming out and saying it, that word is I Phone.

He grabbed me up in a big hug and started LAUGHING! Then he said "you're silly mom, of course I know you love me! We all have I Phone days!"

We made a deal that as I try to be less grumpy, he'll try to be more obedient.

I'm thankful things are turning around, we all are having fewer I Phone days. And I hope to always remember that when those I Phone days roll around, that I should not let them take over my life.

After all, we all have I Phone days every now and then.

Taking our "brand new" $6 DI bikes for their first spin around the block. It was my three and four year olds' first bike ride and it took a half hour to go around the block! Ahhh... my kind of family home evening!

Birth Moms

So it's been a few days since I've posted mostly because I don't what to say anymore. It's seems like a lot of same thing different day lately.

But, it was Mother's Day so I do think some things need to be said on behalf of all that...

Mother's Day around here was a little nuts. In the morning my family came over before church to Skype my brother who is currently on a LDS mission in Sweden. So we had to be ready earlier than usual which was a miracle in and of itself. Then, three hours of church followed by family dinner at our house with all kinds of grandma's and mom's to go around. We really did have a lot of fun but the day was extremely stressful, mostly because of Little Big Man.

I'm trying to find a way to put this delicately but the kid was acting all kinds of nuts. He was bouncing off the walls and being incredibly defiant with temper tantrums as the cherry on top. My patience bucket wasn't just empty by the end of the day, it was bone dry. That night when he FINALLY went into the bathroom to take his shower (I think we only asked about 15 times), he just plain broke down bawling because he missed his mom. Duh! Hello? Mother's Day!!

I felt pretty sad for him and darn stupid all at the same time! I should've seen these behaviors coming from a mile away, however in the moment when a nine year old is acting like he's three, it takes a lot of deep breaths. As we talked it through it and also explained to him that when he's sad he's got to stop and say he's sad, instead acting cra cra he started to calm down. We came up with a code word he could say on those days if it's too hard to come out and say it.

Mom's are pretty darn important whether they've got it all together or not. That's just the facts. One of my BBF's recently shared her story with me. I haven't seen her in years and was heartbroken to hear that her story aligned with our kiddos far too closely. As she shared her heart with me, I couldn't help but feel sick for her. I wanted to fix it and make it all better for her and her babies. I pray daily for her and her success, hoping that she'll be victorious in her fight and her ending won't be like our birth mom's.

Yesterday we had a team meeting for the kids. I can't say what we talked about, but I can say hearing a mom sob and sob for an hour over the phone is heartbreaking. (Sorry, don't have a wide enough vocabulary for another word to use so I'll say it A LOT, heartbreaking!) I'm no rocket scientist when I say moms have a special bond with their kids, but I think it's sometimes easy to forget that even the struggling moms have that bond as well.

There are tons of times that I'm frustrated with the process, and frankly with mom,  but yesterday reminded me that everyone has a story and a past. Whether we think we have someone figured out, there is always something we don't know.

So, my goal going forward is to be a little less judgy of mom, a little more compassionate, and a lot more humble. There's not one person this process is easy for, but my attitude could make all the difference.

Sad Either Way

Another Wednesday, another cancelled visit.  No surprise, it fit right in with our "every other week" system.... it's sad that the kids are starting to realize that visits are getting spread thin and they're starting to question where they'll land in all of this....

I always knew that if the time came that we would become the adoptive parents of these kiddos, there would be a time that they would have to say good bye to people they love. I knew that'd be tough, I knew that there would be a lot to help them work through if that day came.  I also knew that if they went back home that it'd be tough for us and our kids to say good bye to two tiny people who have begun to play a HUGE role in our lives....

I learned today yet ANOTHER thing I didn't know....

Little Big Man came and laid by me on the bed (we've all been sick, it's my turn now, just in time for Tanner's three day drill weekend! I'm the one in a war zone, DO NOT COME OVER, we should be quarantined....) anyway, he told me that last night he had a dream that he went back to his mom and he had to say good bye to us forever.

I said, "well that had to be an awesome dream, you've always wanted to be back with your mom!"

He disagreed. "No, I cried and cried and cried. I would miss you guys so much. You're my family. My only family. I love having so many people and family around me all of the time." (And to think, I'd like a day here or there with A LOT less people around, I don't know what quiet sounds like anymore)

So I asked him what would be more sad,  to stay here and be adopted or to go home to mom.

He thought for a long time and got a sad look on his face.  "Both things would make me so sad. Both things would be SO good and SO sad. No matter what happens to me, I'll be sad."

How do you hold back tears?! Today was the first day I realized that these kids have a sad ending and new beginning coming their way no matter what happens. How unfair is that?! All these grown ups get to make all kinds of decisions, and they get to be sad at the end. I seriously thought if they went home they'd be thrilled and not really look back. No joke.  It didn't really occur to me that they'd care about leaving us because they'd be so happy to be with mom.

In fact, his solution was to finish our basement and let him live with his sister and mom down there. Try explaining why that won't work. In a nine year old's mind, it's the picture prefect scenario.

But, with the sad comes the happy! Everything has it's opposites, I think that is a tender mercy that we're blessed with. In almost every situation we're in, we can look for the sad, but we can also choose to see the good. It makes the sad easier to take.

The past couple weeks I've been wallowing in my own pity.  This life is no joke! (For any of us! But I think I was choosing to forget that a tiny bit) I haven't been feeling healthy (or like myself...physically...thank goodness I haven't lost my marbles! Can you imagine?!) for a long time, and the emotional stress as well as the unknown has been taking it's toll. I've had to mourn the loss of the far more simple life I use to have (and clean house) and accept that I'm no super woman! And get use to this reality and accept that it could change again at any time.

Perhaps this conversation was the slap in the face Heavenly Father knew I needed.  Sometime, this life of limbo will end and a decision will be made. Either way, I still get to keep two of my awesome babies, my extended family and most importantly,  my amazing husband "best friend love of my life" guy. (He is the only reason I've got Any kind of hope to keep going. Seriously an incredibly strong man!) No matter what I'll be ok.  I know their mom loves them and if she's able to get them back, they'll be OK. They have Heavenly angels, I know that, I've seen too much evidence of it to believe otherwise. So, stay or go,  I'll make it.

THEY have much more to fear... to  loose. So I need to pull it together, get over it and help them gain the testimonies and tools to face life.

We can't protect our kids from the ugly that comes up in our lives. We can teach them who they can rely on, how to overcome hard things, and that they are Heavenly,  Sacred, individuals and children of God. No child is sent to earth without Him and without the light of Christ or without a DIVINE plan. The BEST thing we can do for our kids is teach them that, help them internalize that.

I would be lost without loving parents who taught me that. Thank you.