Blessings of Family

On Friday, my cousin got married in the Draper Temple! It was an amazing experience! He married an amazing woman and it is obvious that the two of them are meant to be together and are truly in love! I love going to weddings and seeing people enter into this marriage thing totally blind, it really takes me back! Just kidding!

 

Along with weddings come a lot of family members which means it was the first time the kiddos met the extended family! They went to Grandma R's house while we went to the wedding and luncheon, then we came all the way back home, cleaned and fed them and drove them back into Salt Lake for the reception. I was nervous for them at first, but that was silly of me I guess because they were VERY outgoing and excited to meet with everyone! They took to playing with all of my cousins' kids right away and they had the time of their lives! I'm one of the youngest cousins in the family which means there are lots of kids to play with when we all get together. In about an hour, my kids had made a whole new collection of 'best friends for life!'

 

The next day, all of us met up again at a local park to roast hot dogs and s'mores, fly kites and play on the playground equipment!  It was so fun for my family to be around so many other cousins because both Tanner and I are the only siblings with kids in our family, we aren't aunts and uncles and our poor kiddos don't have cousins! (To be honest, it made me wish that I was still one of 'the cousins' running around, instead of the moms! I seriously don't have a clue where all of the time went!)

When it was time to go, Little Big Man learned that his new best friends all live in Idaho! He was heartbroken! He was so sad that another group of people he now loves is going to be so far away that he won't be able to see them! Saying good bye to family is always hard for all of us, but I think it was a totally different thing for someone who just wants everyone to stay put for awhile.

 

But, with that said, the weekend was great and a huge reminder of how important family is. We are so blessed to have such an amazing family and people who love and support us through our journey with all four of our babies, we have to words for how much they all mean to us and we're thankful for every excuse we have to spend time with them all.

Thanks guys!

 



When Mom Doesn't Come

Today was another one of those hard ones...

All my kiddos look forward to is another visit with their mom. This morning was no different. They eagerly got ready for their visit this morning; they packed their toys and picked out their favorite outfits. We hurried and loaded up in the car and headed out on the 45 minute drive to the DCFS office. When we pulled up, the kids quickly ran inside and we were met by their caseworker. She explained that she had not heard from mom and wanted me to wait for a few minutes to make sure she arrived. The kids got settled in with the toys and awaited her arrival. When the customary fifteen minutes were up, the caseworker said it was time to go. I explained to the kids that it appeared that their mom might not have been able to get a ride to the visit so we'd have to wait until next week. (Not all lie, not all truth) Essa didn't understand at first, but Little Big Man got very quiet and upset. I couldn't get him to talk until I suggested he write note to his mom to leave with the caseworker in case she came another day. (It also bought another ten minutes of waiting time) This seemed to help because he was able to buy time to wait for her and was able to get his feelings out. The weight of the situation didn't hit Essa until we were in the parking lot walking toward the car. That's when she broke down and cried/screamed for over an hour straight.

Going forward, mom will be required to contact the caseworker and verify she will make it before we drive out. If she misses too often, visits will be cancelled.

Today was a humbling reminder of how blessed I am to have the family life I do and that I am able to raise my birth kids in such a good environment. It is heartbreaking to see kids go through all this muck, it's not fair either. I wish I could make it all better. I'm thankful for the Friend magazine this month  (https://www.lds.org/friend) it teaches kids about the atonement and that Christ has already carried their burdens and that he'll be there to comfort them. What a blessing His atonement is. I am grateful these kids get to learn at such a young age of Christ's love and how amazing it is to be encircled by it.

I didn't know foster care would be such an amazing testimony builder.

Lifebooks

One of the best things that the state provides for foster parents are monthly foster cluster classes. In Tooele, these classes also provide child care and they teach us ways to help our family function and to meet the needs of the kids in our home. They are also a great way to get support from fellow foster people (so if you are a foster parent find your cluster!!)

At our last foster cluster, we were learning about Life Books. Life Books are a way for kids to reflect on their life and the situation they are in. Not only are they good for foster/adopted children, they are good for all children and even adults. It has been shown that people who take the time to accept, work through and love their story/history as well as come to understand it, are able to have happy, securely attached relationships as adults and are more able to cope with things as they face future challenges.

If you Google Life Books, you will find LOTS of preprinted books that kids can fill in to record their stories, but these often are leading and leave holes in the overall picture. After the class, I have been trying to find a way to incorporate Life Books for our kids. We have come to the decision to use journals so that they have more freedom to write what is on their mind, whether that be a lot or a little. With that, I have typed up journal prompts for them to write about at least once a week a long with the daily journal entries recording the day in and day out of their new life.

My prompt is based on the Life Book put together by IOWA State. It is my favorite so far because you can print the pages that apply to the kids in your house and you can make multiple copies and put it in a binder.

 

Remember,

the most important part about Life Books are that they are age appropriate and mostly in the child's own words (these books are for THEM, not us)

and,

They include the good with the bad! If we leave out the bad, we're not doing them any favors, in order to accept ourselves and where we come from and fully deal with everything, we need to work through all parts of our lives.

 

Here is the link to the IOWA State Lifebook:

http://www.ifapa.org/publications/IFAPA_Lifebook_Pages.asp

And Here is the Journal prompts I put together:

Whether you have foster kids or not, you might want to consider doing something like this with your kids, it's very therapeutic!

Life Book Journal Questions

Help the child make a journal, then everyday choose a question (they are intended to be in order but that is up to you, add/remove questions as is appropriate for their situation) Encourage the children to write in their own words (you can be their scribe if needed), draw pictures, and glue in photographs/memorabilia. This book is meant to be for THE KIDS. Their memories, their perspective. Allow them to take breaks and deal with the hard topics as needed. It will not only be hard for them, but it will be hard for you to hear some of their stories. Make sure  you are loving and encourage them as they tell their stories. Be careful not to judge their stories and reactions to them. Many topics can and should be used over and over, possibly yearly.

Another way to use these questions in a journal format is to have the child write a daily (ish, things get crazy)  journal entry about what happened that day, and once a week have them answer a question from the list (still in order) this way current events are recorded and reflected upon as well as the past events. Encourage the child to write down in their daily entries what they did, who was there and HOW THEY FELT. You may consider encouraging they write the PIT and the PEAK (the best part and worst part of the day)

1.       All About Me:

My Favorite Food, Color, Book, Game, Toy, Friends, Movie, TV Show, Story, Ice Cream, Candy Bar, Place to go

2.      Things I remember from Age 0-3 (What is your favorite memory, what is your saddest memory?) 3-6, 6-8,8-9 (do each age group on a different day. Do this up to the age that the child went into foster care and then continue on to the following questions:

3.      Birthdays: My favorite birthday was when I turned:________ We (who what when where why how)
My saddest birthday was when I turned :_____ We (who what when where why how)
-Other Birthday memories are: _______

4.      Draw your family “tree”, Talk about your family members

5.      Write about your extended family members and memories you have with them.

6.      The day I went into foster care….I went into foster care because…When I went into foster care I felt….On the first day in my new foster home we did….I felt…..I like foster care because….I don’t like foster care because….

7.      Special messages from important people. (invite friends, family members, coaches, teachers and other leaders to write one small paragraph to the child if desired)

8.     Write about the members of your foster family (names, what you like to do with them)

9.      Before I went into Foster Care things that made me feel….HAPPY, SAD, EXCITED, LOVED, PROUD, MAD, SAFE, SCARED, BRAVE, ALONE, SMART

10.  After I went into Foster Care things that make me feel…. HAPPY, SAD, EXCITED, LOVED, PROUD, MAD, SAFE, SCARED, BRAVE, ALONE, SMART

11.   One of the most special days I remember was….who, what, when, where, how

12.  School Memories:
-In first grade I went to school at: ____my teacher was: _____, My favorite part was: _____ my worst part was: _____ my best friend was: ______ I lived: ____, my favorite subject was:____
-In second grade I went to school at: ____my teacher was: _____, My favorite part was: _____ my worst part was: _____ my best friend was: ______ I lived:___ my favorite subject was: _____

13.  Today, my best friend is: _____We like to: ___ What I love about him/her: ___ How we met: _____

14.  Places I’ve Lived: When I was 1, 2 , 3 etc. I lived: Fun things I did were: People I knew where: The worst part about living there was: The best part about living there was:

15.   My favorite things to do outside of school are (extra  curricular activities) Who does them with you, who is the leader/coach, I like it because, I’ve done it since I was (age)

16.  Vacation Times: My favorite vacation was: We went to: Who went: What I want to remember most about it was:

17.   Things I remember from Age 0-3 (What is your favorite memory, what is your saddest memory?) 3-6, 6-8,8-9 (do each age group on a different day. Do the ages after the child came into foster care

18.   Words that describe me are: (fun, athletic, quiet, loud, smart, happy, proud, outgoing, wild, nervous, bossy, generous, loving, mad, tired, kind, beautiful, handsome, adventurous, special, dreamer, confused, friendly, silly, tall, short, small, big, old, young)

19.  If I could change ONE thing I would….

20.  Dear Dad, (allow the child to write ANYTHING they want to his/her father) You might want to repeat this as the child ages, also this is good even if the child hasn’t met this parent, they often still have things they would say to him

21.  Dear Mom, (allow the child to write ANYTHING they want to his/her father)

22. Dear Foster Dad

23. Dear Foster Mom

24. Dear (any other important person to the child)

25.   My thoughts about my family are (allow child to define his/her family and feelings about it)

26. My Beliefs (Religious beliefs, basically the child’s testimony)

27.  Church Activities (scouts, baptisms etc.) Remember Who, what when where why and how

28.  Someone I look up to is:  I look up to this person because:

29.  HOLIDAYS Valentines, St. Patricks, Easter, 4^th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas (things I use to do on these holidays, my favorite valentines , easter, etc. was, we (who, what, when where, I felt) The worst holiday was we (who what when where why, I felt)

30.  My Predictions for the future are: Inventions, new ways to travel, new discoveries, my future care, a day in the life of 2050 will be like:

31.  My future plans:
My goals are:
How to reach my goals are:

I want to be_____When I grow up
My next step
My dream for myself  is:

 

32. Important people (in the back cover of the journal, you might want to write down important people contact information like former foster families, and current foster families so that if someday they want to reach out, they will be able to. Use common sense and caution when choosing who to put on this sheet, and how much information to provide (phone numbers, email addresses etc.)

33. SEASONS: What I like about Summer, Spring, Fall, Winter

34. I am thankful for….

35.  I wonder about….

36.  My Brother/Sister: Complete for each sibling/foster sibling
My brother is important to me because…
We like to____
Words that describe my brother are
My favorite memory with him are

37.  Other people I lived with in my birth family:
This person  is important to me because…
We like to____
Words that describe this person are
My favorite memory with him is

38.  FOR FOSTER PARENT: The day you came into our family (date, your age, how we got you, how we felt)

39.  If I could change one thing I would….

40.  LOOK AT ME (insert a picture of the child and have him/her draw a picture of themselves) My name is ____ I am ___ years old. I am ____inches tall. I weigh ____pounds. I look like _____ I have ___eyes I have ____ hair

41.  Look how I’ve grown! I lived with the ____family from ____ to ____. I came to live with them  on (date) I was ___ old, ____inches tall, Weighed ___ pounds. The ____Family’s contact info was.

42. My adoption Day (who was there, when it was, how I felt, how old I was)

43. YOUR ADOPTION DAY (filled out by ADOPTIVE!! Yay! parents) how we felt, who was there, the best part was

44.  My entire family story is….

45.  My Birth mom
-her name is
-she was (age) when I was born
-things that are great about her are
-things I miss about her
-the reason I can’t live with her is
-my wish for her is
-If I could tell her anything I would tell her…

46. My Birth Dad
-his name is
-he was (age) when I was born
-things that are great about him are
-things I miss about him
-the reason I can’t live with him is
-my wish for him is
-If I could tell her anything I would tell him…

47.  My Foster/adoptive mom
-her name is
-she was (age) when I was born (she was busy doing…)
-things that are great about her are
-I like living with her because
-my wish for her is
-If I could tell her anything I would tell her…

48. My Foster/adoptive dad
-his name is
-his was (age) when I was born(he was busy doing…)
-things that are great about him are
-I like living with her because
-my wish for him is
-If I could tell him anything I would tell her…

49. My Wishes
-my wish for myself right now
-My wish for myself in the future
-My wish for the world is
-My wish for my family is

50.  More about me…..
If you could hear my thoughts  you would know I….like, love, miss, wish, pray for, am afraid of, happy when, sad when, cry when
If you could see inside my hear you would see that I love….that ____broke it, that ____ is healing it, that I feel ____about myself

 



Life After Visits

There was once a simpler time that seems like it was to long ago to remember....the time before mom visits...

Before the kids had mom visits, they were starting to feel content and were settling in to the family dynamic. They would talk about their mom and the good times they all had together and some of the hard times but they respected and accepted as their parental figures.

Now, things are more complicated. We have more crying meltdowns which are always centered around mom. Their excitement builds as they prepare for a visit and they are sad and confused every time a visit ends. However, yesterday added a whole other level...

Little Big Man has been acting out at his extra curricular activities like scouts and is very hungry for attention. He wants to be in your face and on your mind at all times. When Tanner is home, it increases ten fold. This behavior is not surprising when you consider his past, and present. But, it still makes things hard when he's one of four kids, and the oldest of these four kids. So, this along with his academic struggles had become the forefront of where we choose to focus our attention with him.

So, to better remedy this problem, we have been putting the little kids to bed about an hour before he goes to bed. During that time, we read with him, do homework and sometimes make fools of ourselves playing "vintage" super Nintendo (I'm too cheap to buy those fancy doo hickies the kids are playing these days.) Last night during this time together we were reading the friend magazine that the church produces. While we were reading it,(an Easter story by the way, nothing to do with baptism) he stopped and asked if he could get baptized and be adopted. (In Utah, the only rights parents maintain when their kids are placed in state custody is the right to determine their religion. In fact, if their mom requested it, we could be required to keep the kids out of all religious services. For this reason, he cannot be baptized right now, it's not our decision that we can legally make. And it's part of why we haven't brought baptism up to him ourselves because we didn't want to upset him when he found out he can't be.)

So, we kind of stopped dead in our tracks when he asked us those questions. We looked at each other then back at him and explained that we love him and will always do our best to do what is best for him. We told him that we don't know if we can adopt him because his mom is trying to get better, but we will make sure he's safe. We also explained that since he isn't adopted yet, he cannot be baptized yet but that Heavenly Father loves him, and is watching out for him. He was comfortable with that, I wish I had more information for him but I don't think any of us do.

Essa is also struggling. She has wet her pants four times since coming home yesterday. This is common for children her age who have experienced trauma. It breaks my heart, she had only had one accident before but it was a case of being too busy and forgetting so she kinda walked and wet herself to the potty.

It's obvious that this is not fair or easy for the kids. I don't think any child should have to worry about anything other than what game they are going to play next. It really isn't fair that they don't get to be protected from it even after being removed from a harmful situation. I find comfort in knowing that children are most precious to our Heavenly Father, I know these kids have many guardian angels guiding their paths. I think of the story in 3 Nephi when Christ blessed each child one by one and prayed for them. Knowing that helps me know they are not alone, they'll make it, and they will be able to thrive....So will I.

3 Nephi 17
11 And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.
12 So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him.
13 And it came to pass that when they had all been brought, and Jesus stood in the midst, he commanded the multitude that they should kneel down upon the ground.
19 And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.
20 And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.
21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.
22 And when he had done this he wept again;
23 And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.
24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.
25 And the multitude did see and hear and bear record; and they know that their record is true for they all of them did see and hear, every man for himself;

I know that our Savior loves us all just as he loved and blessed these children. I know that he is always there for us waiting to share this same love with us if we will reach out to him. This is the most amazing gift and I'm so grateful to know: He lives!

Court

So today was the first court date since we got the kids and let me just say what an adventure.

First of all, the kids were asked to be there which was...interesting. They were actually pretty good when you consider that it was a new place with a lot going on. The judge was very strict with mom and stressed the importance of her completing these MANY tasks, like parenting class, so as far as that goes, court was good. In fact, afterwards mom pulled me aside and thanked me for loving and taking care of her kids since she cannot. That woman loves her babies, she just is in such a hard place right now. I think she wants to want the white picket fence life but had no clue how to get there and honestly, I think she believes its too far away to be attainable.

But with all good comes the not so good...

Mom appeared to be on some type of substance whether that be alcohol or drugs both during court and at the kids visit a few hours following court. There are times when it seems like we're protecting the mom's rights more than the kids, that's not really the case, just perception.

The other crappy part about court was how I was treated by the judge... I was told before court that the kids would come in, talk to the judge and then be excused while adult topics were discussed. Instead, they about all of the adult stuff with the kids sitting there. So, when the judge asked me if I had concerns I asked if the kids could leave the room because it was a lot for them to hear. She gave me some big lecture about how some kids struggle with court but they seem to be fine and she needed to talk to them. I said I understood but misunderstood and thought they'd be able to leave for adult topics. She was very rude and demeaning to me and I felt about two inches tall. It's really not fair that I get to turn my life upside down and do EVERYTHING for these kids and be treated like some dumb person. I respect her, her job and her judgement, that's how court works. I'd just really appreciate some respect back. I've given a lot to help these kids and I know them a ton better than she does. And I know that they internalize everything they hear, and they in fact were nervous about court and they don't need to hear how far behind their peers they are and that so far, their mom has made no effort to get them back.

You know how police officers have to experience what it's like to be hit by everything they carry, like the pepper spray so they know what it's like and what to expect? Maybe family court judges should have to have one round of foster kids in their home so they can have some empathy...just sayin. (Just the ones who need a little extra help....I have heard that there are some AWESOME judges that my fellow foster people have had, hats off to them!!) I feel like I've been hit by a pepper spray bomb.

They are little, my request was not crazy...I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one who really cares with my whole heart.

After all of that, they got to go have a chunk of hair cut out of their heads to be tested! Wow.

Birthdays and Dentists, and Court! Oh My!

This week will mark the 5th week since our family size has doubled. We're definitely starting to get into a routine and I think we're starting to get the hang of things.

 

The first three weeks were pretty low key, but the last two weeks have become, well a little overwhelming. We have had an appointment for the kids everyday, in fact, two Mondays ago, three out of four kids had an appointmentt meetings with caseworkers, CASA (court appointed special advocates for the kids), visits with mom, Guardian Ad Liam (the 'attorney' assigned to the kids), doctors appointments, dentist appointments, (three in total, Little Big Man had three teeth rotting out of his head, and Essa has to go under IV sedation this Friday in addition to the multiple fillings she had last week) hair analysis appointments, mental health assessments, foster parent trainings, oh and a doctor appointment that we got to, spent an hour at and then they sent us home in the middle of because they determined they actually didn't take the kids' state health insurance! Yeah, I'm not kidding! So add an extra doctor appointment in there on top of all of it! I'm starting to feel like we might wear out our family who have been wonderful supporters and helpers with Tate and Emerson through all of this. So, I'd like to send a special thank you to them!

 

This week, the 'fun' continues with court (the judge wants the kids there, which I hear is kind of rare for how young our kiddos are) and then right after it we have to drive across town to take them to a visit with their mom, and potentially over to get their hair sample taken (this will determine if they were exposed to drug use).

 

I've come to decide that this would be only a THOUSAND times easier if there were about a third of the appointments and meetings! I know that all of these people are put in place to hopefully make sure that the kids' best interests are met. I mean they have a team of about ten people who are all working in their best interest. However, I feel like this can also be a little overwhelming, not just for me but also for the kids. They keep meeting new people who want to get to know them and spend twenty minutes with them and they are then expected to open up to them and to express all of their feelings and REMEMBER all of these people! (I can barely do that, I'm forgetting EVERYTHING, we showed up to the dentist an hour early and I didn't even realize it until my phone reminder went off an hour later) It feels like a bunch of people who just barely get to know them instead of one or two who know them really well. But, it is just another way 'the system' works. I should just be happy that there is a check and balance system and people are working to meet their needs; and ultimately it goes back to what I said a couple of posts ago, they are Heavenly Father's children and He is ultimately the one who will guide their path and protect them.

 

So, quickly I'll try to address the main questions we get asked...1. How long will they stay with you, and 2. How are you handling all of it?

 

First of all, I have no idea how long they are going to stay here. I really LOVE planning. There are a few factors that play into this. First of all, Mom's legal situation. Depending on how that pans out we might be able to adopt unless daily members come forward. There is one family member who had shown interest but he will be required to go through a lot of legalities (which is normal) before being considered. I hope it's figured out fast for their sake. I feel bad for them that they might patiently have to learn our rules and routine and then be uprooted again, especially if its many, many months from now. They've already been through so much and it really doesn't seem fair to make it harder on them.

So the answer to question #1: I DON'T KNOW AND IT'S KILLING ME!! If you know sooner than I do, let me know! Lol!

 

Second, how are we handling all of this.

This is HARD, there are times I feel like a fraud. People say, "oh you guys are awesome, I could never do that." But the truth is, there are days that I feel like I'm barely doing it. Not thriving, just surviving. I feel like we look like we're awesome or something, but we're actually just keeping our heads above water. It has been a rough transition to add a child five years older than the next oldest child. It has been hard to get use to working with the system. It has been hard to have so much unknown. It has been VERY hard to have the children go to visit their mom and receive all kinds of gifts from her and then come home and have the gifts become more important than other people and their feelings, and have the constant reminder that we're not really their parents. Which causes a little push back at times. It has been hard to have a nine year old who tries to co parent, and is louder than all the other kids put together (but that's beyond the point). It has been hard to adjust to family gatherings, bedtime, church, having a school aged child, etc. etc. etc.

But, to answer the question, we're doing OK. Its getting better, I'm learning patience in ways I never expected to. And Luckily, I have four of the cutest kids I've ever seen so that helps, all I have to do is look at their sweet brown (and little Emerson's blue) eyes and the hard stuff starts to feel worth it. But, we do appreciate all of the prayers on our behalf because if there is one thing I have learned above it all is that it will be impossible for use to do this alone.

 

Other than all of that, we're just trying to live normally and do normal things...

 

This past week, Little Big Man had a birthday, he turned nine! We kept his birthday low key, we just gave him his gift (a bike) and took him and the other kids to the park to have a picnic, ride the bike and fly kites (in theory). The kites didn't exactly cooperate. Then, yesterday the whole family came over for dinner, cake, and ice cream.

This is how most birthdays go down at our house, so we didn't want to set some fancy precedence when I have no intention of making birthdays more exciting than that! Ha Ha! Sorry, I'm very boring. It's probably best that everyone just learns that now and gets it out of the way!

 

Thanks for all of your support and help! I'll let you know how court on Wednesday morning goes!